[Roaming_bird]

My last cutting episode was close to a year ago. My last "episode", which was a different way of s/i that I thought wouldn't count as s/i because it wasn't cutting and was easily explained away, scalding, was about 4 months ago.

Much of the reason I have kept up not s/i is because I don't want to have the label "borderline" anymore. And for me, the s/i was the one indicator that I felt like I could reasonably control (or with the scalding, that I could easily explain away to my dh and kids).

I talked with my therapist yesterday and she mentioned bpd. I told her I didn't think I had it anymore, and mentioned that I hadn't cut recently. She said that I still thought about it and had the urges (true), and so s/i was still a part of me and that my diagnosis was still bpd.

I was so upset at this. I hate that the main reason I stopped s/i was because I didn't want the bpd label. I thought I would "look" better. But now that's gone away, I find my strength to avoid s/i is gone. Different, more explainable ways are going through my head, and I'm obsessing.

I feel dumb. The main reason I stopped was for a stupid reason, and now that it's gone, I want to go back to old coping skills because they worked - destructive, but they calmed me down and cleared my head.

I'm also drinking more, which I didn't do since I stopped s/i too.

I'm a bloody mess.

[MobiusPsyche]

I don't think it was a stupid reason to stop. You want to get better, that's not a stupid reason. Having thoughts and urges to s/i is better than...less damaging than...actually engaging in s/i.

I had similar feelings when I was first formally diagnosed. (Technically it was the second time I was diagnosed, but that's another story.) I went on a "bender" of s/I for about six weeks because, what the hell, I was *really* borderline now. I had been holding back on acting on the urges for years, decades, because I didn't want to be diagnosed as borderline. Turned out I was borderline all along. I had been engaging in really minor s/I the whole time though, just nothing that was obvious.

I don't know if that helps you at all. I just wanted to say that I have had similar feelings.

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[seesaw]

Okay, if SI is the only reason your T is labeling you BPD, then you need to get a new T. SI is a symptom of various mental illnesses, not just BPD. I had a pdoc who tried to label me BPD because of the cutting, so I got a second opinion and the second opinion was like, heck no, you don't have BPD. I have severe chronic depression and PTSD, and the PTSD often can present like BPD.

Anyways, remember that YOU are NOT your diagnosis. Your identity is not based on your diagnosis. That's just an illness that you have but it doesn't make up who you are as a person.

Seesaw

[Roaming_bird]

Originally Posted by MobiusPsyche

I don't think it was a stupid reason to stop. You want to get better, that's not a stupid reason. Having thoughts and urges to s/i is better than...less damaging than...actually engaging in s/i.

I had similar feelings when I was first formally diagnosed. (Technically it was the second time I was diagnosed, but that's another story.) I went on a "bender" of s/I for about six weeks because, what the hell, I was *really* borderline now. I had been holding back on acting on the urges for years, decades, because I didn't want to be diagnosed as borderline. Turned out I was borderline all along. I had been engaging in really minor s/I the whole time though, just nothing that was obvious.

I don't know if that helps you at all. I just wanted to say that I have had similar feelings.

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Thank you so much. I'm glad someone else felt like this. I hate the stigma, but I know it's out there.

[Roaming_bird]

Originally Posted by seesaw

Okay, if SI is the only reason your T is labeling you BPD, then you need to get a new T. SI is a symptom of various mental illnesses, not just BPD. I had a pdoc who tried to label me BPD because of the cutting, so I got a second opinion and the second opinion was like, heck no, you don't have BPD. I have severe chronic depression and PTSD, and the PTSD often can present like BPD.

Anyways, remember that YOU are NOT your diagnosis. Your identity is not based on your diagnosis. That's just an illness that you have but it doesn't make up who you are as a person.

Seesaw

There are a ton of other things that lead up to the diagnosis, unfortunately. I just want to try and dismiss that part of me.