[Erro]

I have, as per a promise, taken it one day at a time to not cut for 111 days.

I can hardly wait until tomorrow.

Has anyone else found not doing SI is more of a negative than a positive over the long term?
I am trying to find a way to replace this mechanism, but nothing 'good' seems to work.

Marijuana helped a lot, but I don't like being high.
Isolation works well, but months of minimal human contact is stressful in its own right and even created new problems.
non harm alternatives are a joke. Its as much the blood, if not more, as the feeling of the blade on the flesh.

How do you quiet the voices, the impulses... without a blade. without the blood.
I can't merely survive anymore.

Im afraid to get a job, because I don't want to hurt anyone and I don't want to die from bloodloss.
SI is the only thing that has ever made me feel good, the only thing that quiets my mind.

I want to know what it is like to 'live'...

This is as much a vent as an actual request for advise.

[Takeshi]

I want to know what it is like to 'live'...

Conquering oneself and a man takes the next step. One's view of life can be exponentially larger than the current thought field, and I have now the thought of pure human frailty, what is it to myself? (I could probably do away with it, meaning ... there's always more to learn about it...) Build your comfort, man, the 111 days, the best thing about it which I can think of is that the period of the time tested you good, the vile nature of evil, I got that too. It's not inviting for your own good, if you know what I mean. A man of value, a man who recognize infinite value in things are maybe something we could all dream for.

[Erro]

Nevermind.

0

[Takeshi]

It's a failure and NOT a failure, I'd think like it had to be done, of course the desire to go on hurting again might be just around the corner, the short lasting relief, that's maybe what you wanted and you got it. Quitting what you crave can't be that easy, you do what you can to understand your own brain, I've done the exploration of the correlations between thoughts and feelings, or I could say that the battles of morality is not the end of the story, I tried to stop the plan of cutting and it didn't take milliseconds to be bombarded with 'Let's just do it.' kinda thought, for me it was the mind being kidnapped, I'd like you to keep studying your own moves, it's really not a failure if one can learn from it, you can forget to eat or sleep, you don't have to know what time it is, but the responsibility of keeping the light up falls upon you, and you're standing in your own light, today, tomorrow and the day after.

I personally believe we are beyond morality, with that understandings, we have nothing to condemn ourselves for. Someone once said on this forum that the SI is a maladaptive coping behavior, this explanation still doesn't sit well with me. The adaptation on any aspects of our lives are basic human things to do to survive, this widens the scope of what we need to look at.

non harm alternatives are a joke.

Did you mean something like rubber band snapping? I don't know how it's supposed to work, it's not a dog training, it's maybe a joke as you say. I can also understand it like if someone were at work or at school, this method may distract the person a little to focus on the normal tasks in everyday lives.

You've mentioned blood loss, there's also a concern of lasting nerve damage, stuff like that. There's a line that no one would like to cross and there are people who's gotten over it to tell their stories. That's gotta mean something to all of us. For me, the reasons or the timings to cut myself weren't always the same, I can still easily fantasize about it.

I think the triggered state of mind is an entrapment. And there's a line of thoughts that leads into this, we may call it a point of no return. We may be a traveler in our own minds, mapping and navigating at the same time, it's unknown territory and can be dangerous.

I'm not making good sense tonight so I'm done talking. Please don't overindulge too much, too long, and I hope you keep everything clean to avoid infections. Thanks for your posts.