I Want To.

God, I want to, so ****ing bad. If only to make the memories stop. Make it all just stop.

I haven't done it, though. I'm trying to keep my fiance from worrying so much about me. I'm spending all my energy trying to show him I'm fine.

I'm not fine and I know that. My SI and flashbacks are running rampant back to back, on replay. Sooner or later, I'm going to give. I just hope I can stop once I start.

I hope you managed to hold out, sorry I didn't notice this sooner!

It's cool. Yeah, I've held out thus far. Don't know how but I have. Tonight's going to be especially difficult because my fiance's at work 'til seven in the morning. Not looking forward to tonight but hopefully I got this. Thanks for commenting. I appreciate it.

Well I'm not tired as yet so I'm around if you need a distraction!

I gave in yesterday and today. I'm sorry. ****, I tried but I just couldn't get the thoughts to leave me alone. Honestly, this is the only thing that shuts them up for a while. It's also the only thing that makes the hallucinations stop. Damn it!

I've been able to hide it from my fiance but that's because I'm ashamed of it. I don't want him to worry about me anymore.

Why can't I just be okay?