Why does SI work?

I haven't SI in a long time but a recent life event brought the idea back out of the blue. I read all the other options. All I could think of was...not the same, won't work. Then realized I don't know WHY it works. Anyone know why it works for them?

I think it works for me because I can see it.. the pain I’m feeling becomes real, a visual reality. Not just something any longer in my brain. I also feel that I deserve to be hurt and to feel pain because I have done wrong. It is a righting if wrongs for me.

I have 2 main reasons to SI:
- Because I have the thought I have to be broken (as in, my body has to be broken). SIing doesn't usually work then, because I can never do a satisfactory amount of damage or cause a satisfactory amount of pain. (I'm then trying to recreate some of the pain and disability I experienced when I was ill and the aftermath of the torture. I can't congruate the realization of all that stuff happened to me, I was that ill with I'm sort-of-fine now, physically. (My leg was amputated, but I've adjusted to that and am able to walk, stuff like that) So: I need to be damaged. because that would mean my experiences match up to the current situation. Only it's not really possible to damage me to the point I was damaged then, so it's never satisfactory no matter what I do.)
- I'm feeling something very strongly and I identify with a phrase or a word that matches that feeling. Then I have to get that out and show that phrase on my skin, so I'll (I try to exchange that for simply writing it on my skin, and sometimes that's enough) That helps a lot. I think maybe because then I won't have to think about it anymore, or ruminate about it, or analyze the phrase/feeling, because it's 'out' and literally visible on my skin? Not sure.

I wouldn’t say it works. But it is like hitting bottom.

a) It meets a need for self punishment in me
b) there is something compulsive about it, fulfilling a compulsion can be very satisfying for a while
c) there is also a sort of trance-like state it puts me in that helps me numb myself to other sources of pain (ie the past, the pit of despair) - it's dissociative and yet at the same time also makes me feel real in other ways (NIN got that right)
d) I think there is pleasure mixed in with the pain - it can be like a drug (the endorphin thing) - it's certainly seductive and also like an old lover
e) there is also some self protection in there - if I can take it so far, but no further, it's like control over a deeper suicidal impulse (like it gives it a throttle to pull back on) - but there is also a sense of testing the limits of my urges so it's very much an edge state
f) it's a mark - a symbol - a shared signifier
g) wanting to cut something out, something that feels 'not me' - or reveal something inside, buried, deep

these are all places I go in my paintings now - they provide an alternative channel

It focuses my mind when I feel I'm in a tornado.
Seeing blood proves I'm still alive.
Blood is emotional pain draining away from my body.

Wow A-F are exactly why I do it, too

I had read a science article on how if you have emotional pain, physical pain lights up parts of the brain in a way your mind can process the emotional, which is why it becomes so addicting. And then the adrenaline and endorphins released. I should look for that article.

It's like a drug.

I've done this on and off over the years too. I believe that physical pain is a distraction from the intensity that emotional anguish brings. For me it comes from frustration, guilt and self punishment. I have a very guilty conscience anyway and feel that I deserve to be punished in extraordinarily painful ways. I also just like a lot of different forms of pain and especially muscular pain.

Can u give me any info on the author or title or anything, so I can find it. It sounds interesting. Thanks.....

https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart...ter-180953062/

I think for i can see it and i can feel it. It helps me return from being numb