[seesaw]

I have been very triggered lately and feeling urges to self harm. More like thoughts about urges to self harm, not just urges to self harm.

I've been drawing a lot the past few days, picking up some artwork and recommitting to do the real artwork that I had wanted to back when I was at my darkest. Without the concurrent self harm. But I still want to deal with the subject matter. Everything else I've tried to paint and draw since then, avoiding the real me and the subject that I can paint about with my own unique perspective, it's all been flat and boring. Portraits of dogs. Animals. Nothing with expression, feeling, or meaning.

So I've been re-engaging with this unfinished content. Working on a collection of this art work that comes from my true, authentic voice.

Of course, I should have expected that it would bring up old feelings. I don't feel in danger, the thoughts are just thoughts, and while I find myself debating whether or not it was truly any harm to myself to self harm, I don't have any desire to. My questions more arise about of whether or not a person should have the power of self determination over their own body...but I digress...

I'm working out of an old drawing pad. Having these random thoughts and memories of self harm...I flipped through the pad tonight and found some notes written on one page. I stopped to read them. It was one note written over and over again.

"Tonight I will not harm myself."

It was a strange and eerie reminder to myself of where I was then and where I am now.

It was strangely like staring at my past self in the mirror.

And no, tonight I will not harm myself.

Seesaw

[Skeezyks]

The first time I was hospitalized, the psychiatrist who was treating me had me go home for one night prior to discharging me. The next morning, she asked me how it had seemed to be home again. I told her it was visiting the scene of a train wreck...

[Fuzzybear]

[notz]

Thanks for this Seesaw, it touches a chord with me. I was looking for something in my desk drawer and tucked away in a corner was a very familiar small box.

Possible trigger:

My old razor blade

Didn't touch it but it sure brought back some painful memories. My former self was such a tortured soul. It was timely because I've been over functioning lately and feeling some resentment about it. Resentment can be a humongous trigger for me. Hugs to everyone and keep up the good fight.

[Kibou]

Woah.. Sounds kinda isnpiring.
When I feel the urge to harm myself, I usually get my pencil case, grab the scissors

Possible trigger:

and use them to break my skin.

I'll put a note to myself in my pencil case. So next time I'll want to self-harm i'll find it and remember that I can get rid of the urge.
Thank you so much, good luck <3