[sinking]

Not sure why, everything is slowly falling into place but the energy to get what I want is draining. Get a home, et a bank and paperwork for the loan, shopping for the house, a couch, still looking for a table, not having internet yet, more works to be done, fighting about work (part or full time?), waiting for disability renewal maybe? Living ALONE. And when with parents we often fight to the point I cant say a single letter, missing my pets and so on...

Tonight it all seems too much. I feel like cutting and I think im going to... had to let it out

[Skeezyks]

Buying & settling into a home has to be one of the more stressful experiences the average person has. So it's not surprising to me you are feeling stressed. I'm glad you were able to come here to PC to let even just a little bit of it out. Please take care...

[sinking]

I ended up doing it. It strangely hurt. Helped a bit. Im still feeling on the edge

[sinking]

Did it again. Seeing T tonight. I cant stop. or better... I cant go on with life.

Why do I feel like finding the table I want is a matter of life or death??? I feel so stupid

[sinking]

How can a table make me break down like this???

[SlumberKitty]

HUGS Sinking

[Skeezyks]

It sounds as though the idea of buying a house is just extremely stressful for you. Is it possible it's simply too much for you to take on... especially if you're having to do it alone? My wife & I own a townhome in a small townhome complex. But if I were by myself I'm pretty sure I'd just rent.

I'm glad you'll be having the opportunity to see your T again tonight. (Perhaps you already have?) Hopefully you will have, or did have, an opportunity to talk about all of this. Sometimes what we want, & what we can realistically handle, can be two different things. I don't want to be throwing cold water on your dream of home ownership. But it just sounds as though the whole project is really getting to you.

[sinking]

I cant take It anymore, losing my mind

[sinking]

Its not much about the house but all I have to do to have it as I want it. If I dont, it wont be my home, my nest. I need to live until it will be complete. It IS a matter of life or death. It is

[SlumberKitty]

HUGS Sinking

[sinking]

I feel so cold, so needing a hug from my T, so needing to not live.
What is it all about? Work eat and sleep? I do enkoy it a little bit every now and then but its too little to make it worth of being lived, at least mine...

[sinking]

I feel like crying so much. When will this end? Will I find it was pleasant to suffer for all my life one day? Right now I just would want someone to take my hand and walk together with me saying it will all go right. Problem is I know it wont it wont ill be sad, disappointed, always striving for spmething I'll never get. Im tired of having this stupid hope hurting me so much. It will be done, it will be done. Time is coming

[sinking]

I need to talk to someone but dont know who... I feel so alone, lonely, cold, my heart is breaking. I want it all to be over, im tired of hoping, I always get disappointed. Living is only duties. Im sick and tired of this life. Nothing and no one will help me, im unhelpable.

[SlumberKitty]

Have you tried calling a crises line? Sometimes they are helpful. HUGS Kit

[sinking]

In my experience they are not. Best the Samaritans... but after a while they stop "working", like when you get used to meds and they dont help anymore... nothing can help me...

[Skeezyks]

[sinking]

i saw T today. i immediatly threw myself down on her floor (to her surprise) and admitted i am defeated by life. this battle at least.
i would have liked to cry and tell her how much is going on in my head but i think she got it anyway.
i got to talk to her about issues at work, with the new house and how i'll always be defeated and how everything ive ever hoped for will only be a huge disappointment. how nobody can help me and i begged her to kill me.
i told her i was going to drink (after months of being sober) and ive been cutting these last days and been taking pills.

i dont know how to say in words how much i feel defeated and destroyed by life.

i'll keep going, i'll keep faking it for as long as i can until i'll finally have everything settled down and then i'll finally be free to die.

cutting helps but drinkling a little more for now….