[MsSunflower]

I used self harm as a coping method pretty consistently from the ages of 13 to 18. Then I seen a really good therapist and he taught me some other coping methods and gradually I was able to stop completely. In the years since every time I find myself in crisis my first response is still to want to hurt myself but until recently I fought against that urge. The last few years of my life my mental health has declined and more and more I have been giving into that urge. Something that I thought I had put behind me (I'm now 29). I've been beating myself up about it. Telling myself I should be able to handle my problems in a more 'adult' way. I feel so out of control all the time. I used to belong to a self injury forum years ago and the support really helped and so I'm hoping to find some community here. SI is a hard thing to talk about with anyone who hasn't experienced it. Has anyone else experienced a relapse after a long time?

[Ember_42]

Yes, absolutely. There is the perception that it's only something teenagers do and then you get over it or grow out of it. I think puts an added load of guilt and shame on anyone that doesn't fit the expected mold.

Most of the time it might be a passing thought when I'm upset. I remember how much better it made me feel and I want that again. Once in a while I get so overwhelmed by life, by stress, and most of all by the things I can't control. Then I can fall back into it for a short time. Sometimes I can talk myself out of it and sometimes I can't. This last year has been a tough one for me and my family and I've been there a few times. Just last week I was right at the edge of relapsing. It's actually what brought me back to this forum again.

[MsSunflower]

Originally Posted by Ember_42

Yes, absolutely. There is the perception that it's only something teenagers do and then you get over it or grow out of it. I think puts an added load of guilt and shame on anyone that doesn't fit the expected mold.

Most of the time it might be a passing thought when I'm upset. I remember how much better it made me feel and I want that again. Once in a while I get so overwhelmed by life, by stress, and most of all by the things I can't control. Then I can fall back into it for a short time. Sometimes I can talk myself out of it and sometimes I can't. This last year has been a tough one for me and my family and I've been there a few times. Just last week I was right at the edge of relapsing. It's actually what brought me back to this forum again.

I'm sorry that you're going though this. It's nice to talk to someone else I can relate to. I've definitely been feeling a lot of shame for not being able to 'grow out of it' as you said. Are there things that help you to stop yourself? Lately I've reached out to my local crisis line but I live with other people and don't always have the privacy to talk openly.

[Ember_42]

I don't have the privacy to talk to a crisis line either, and since I don't tell anyone around me when I'm feeling that need, I can't take the chance that it would be overheard. It's so hard on family members if they find out about it that it makes me feel even worse instead of better. I hate sneaking around and hiding bandages but I don't need more guilt on top of what I already have.

Honestly, my coping skills aren't all that great right now. The best tool I have is procrastination. That probably sounds stupid but it's about all I have for now. Basically, I keep putting it off. I can't really spare the time right now so I'll wait until later tonight. It might get noticed right now so I'll wait until everyone is asleep. I don't have the energy right now, I'll find time tomorrow. We're going going to do something fun tomorrow, I'll hold out until after that. Almost like small goals of time and just keep moving to goal posts.

Obviously, it's not a solution and it doesn't work all the time. It reduces incidents though. It seems like none of my better strategies have been effective lately. What do you do?

[MsSunflower]

Originally Posted by Ember_42

I don't have the privacy to talk to a crisis line either, and since I don't tell anyone around me when I'm feeling that need, I can't take the chance that it would be overheard. It's so hard on family members if they find out about it that it makes me feel even worse instead of better. I hate sneaking around and hiding bandages but I don't need more guilt on top of what I already have.

Honestly, my coping skills aren't all that great right now. The best tool I have is procrastination. That probably sounds stupid but it's about all I have for now. Basically, I keep putting it off. I can't really spare the time right now so I'll wait until later tonight. It might get noticed right now so I'll wait until everyone is asleep. I don't have the energy right now, I'll find time tomorrow. We're going going to do something fun tomorrow, I'll hold out until after that. Almost like small goals of time and just keep moving to goal posts.

Obviously, it's not a solution and it doesn't work all the time. It reduces incidents though. It seems like none of my better strategies have been effective lately. What do you do?

I'm always so torn about if I should tell someone (usually my Mom). In one way I know if things are that bad I need to reach out for help but seeing how much it hurts her hurts me even more.

I'm glad you've found something that helps at least somewhat. I find for myself when I'm feeling that urge it's because I'm in such deep emotional pain that it's almost a physical pain. I just want it to stop.

My best strategy lately has been to physically remove myself from a place I might self harm. Sometimes moving to another room and sometimes I need to leave my home and go outside. Earlier this week I found myself wandering around outside crying hysterically at 2am in my pajamas. Not exactly ideal but I eventually calmed down and felt safe to go home.

[Ember_42]

I've sat outside in the dark and cried too. Many times. You have to do what you have to do to deal with it. Sometimes I just want to run away from it all and never go home. It's been harder lately since I feel more restricted in my freedom. Just leaving for a while upsets and worries my family so much, and it's really hard to sneak away. And I feel guilty for sneaking around and lying.

I feel like the self harm is a pressure relief valve and that it externalizes the emotional pain somewhat. Like I put it on my body instead of having to hold it inside. Does that make any sense? I don't know how to say it.

If you can talk to someone, I'd definitely recommend it. My mom is the one I go to as well. I hate feeling like I'm putting a burden on her but she freaks out about it less than other people in my life. I put it off as a last resort.

[MsSunflower]

I don't really have that problem with freedom. I'm almost 30 and can pretty much do what I want, good or bad. My mom only knows about it if I tell her and I know it upsets her and she doesn't understand it but she tries to support me anyway. I understand what you're saying about the pressure relief valve and externalizing pain. That's how it feels for me too. If you ever need someone to talk to I'm here.

[SlumberKitty]

I'm not a teenager either and I struggle with self harm (SH) pretty consistently, though I have about 78 days clean. It's hard to talk to people irl about SH because it's not understood, or it's thought to be a teenage thing. Coping mechanisms are needed at times, and if this is what keeps me from suicide, then it's worth it. But it's still something I'm working on, to reduce, and eliminate from my life. HUGS Kit

[Fuzzybear]

hugs

[MsSunflower]

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty

I'm not a teenager either and I struggle with self harm (SH) pretty consistently, though I have about 78 days clean. It's hard to talk to people irl about SH because it's not understood, or it's thought to be a teenage thing. Coping mechanisms are needed at times, and if this is what keeps me from suicide, then it's worth it. But it's still something I'm working on, to reduce, and eliminate from my life. HUGS Kit

It is hard to talk about. I've rarely brought it up to anyone in the past and now being an adult it feels way more stigmatized. It's nice to know that there are other people who understand even though I wish none of us had to go though it. Congratulations on 78 days! That's a big deal and I hope that you're proud of yourself. What other things have been helping you cope lately?

[SlumberKitty]

Originally Posted by MsSunflower

It is hard to talk about. I've rarely brought it up to anyone in the past and now being an adult it feels way more stigmatized. It's nice to know that there are other people who understand even though I wish none of us had to go though it. Congratulations on 78 days! That's a big deal and I hope that you're proud of yourself. What other things have been helping you cope lately?

My main thing right now is that I promised I wouldn't SH until Pentecost. (First it was Lent and then I extended to Pentecost.) So it feels like that "option" is off the table. Another thing I've been doing has been deep breathing. And walking. Like walking a couple of miles every morning. I also emailed my former T, and then texted her. She responded with an encouraging email. I see a Therapist but she hasn't been as supportive as my last T about it. I also have told a couple of friend IRL which gives me an outlet to talk about it a teeny little bit. Other things include cuddling with my fur babies, my little dog Emma, and my two kitties Amelia and Esther. Also I will go look at flowers in the garden centers, just being out of doors in the fresh air. I bought a bracelet from myintent.org with the word faith on it, with a red cord to remind myself to not SH. And basically doing a lot of praying. HUGS Kit