[Cthomas]

That some days are easy and others...well....suck.

Today is that day. it started good and went bad in an awful instant. I feel like I can never get past what happened to me, like its always there. lurking, waiting to pounce on me. and i have no place to run to.

Tough day. just feels like i want to hurt physically and let the emotional go. Just toss it to the side, what is wrong with me? The cycle repeats itself. One good moment, ten bad. then this undeniable urge to SI. Just feels so bad tonite. Sitting here with my boxcutter. Staring at it. Wondering why the urge is so uncontrollable. Other ways i feel like its my control to do it. To release whats going awry in my mind.

Sorry to vent. Just when I thought I was feeling better......here we go again. Such a nice ride this morning, then after talking and talking and talking to just about everybody i know, I feel so darn depressed.

I need to sleep. Cant sleep. Its been almost a month since the last time I cut. Just starting to heal really well. Would hate to mess this up. But thoughts are jumbled. Almost craving drugs, or something. but the urge is so strong it cancels out the craving.

Wierd.....i know.
Thanks,
Colleen

[jacq10]

(((((((((((Colleen))))))))))
I'm sorry you're having such a tough time Please don't think that there is anything wrong with you for feeling how you're feeling. You just got back from seeing someone very dear to you, and you're feeling at a loss from her absence. This is VERY very normal. Hell, I still feel that way and i haven't spend a long amount of time with my "mom" in over 2 years.
And I'm not the person who is going to preech about not SI'ing ... its a dirty coping mechanism that i resort to at times as well... but maybe i can help think of things to do instead?
This is what I do anyways...
-read a book
-listen to my music
-call/talk to a friend
-lie down and focus on my breathing. Ground myself to where I am, and focus on nothing but the beat of my heart.
-play piano (or if you don't, another musical instrument/a hobby of yours).
-journal
-or distract myself with the television.

Just some ideas ... maybe aren't the best long-term solutions, but they may help you get through the night.

Hope that you are feeling better soon ... tomorrow is a new day.


Jacqueline

[Cthomas]

jacq

Thanks again. just when i feel like im drowning, you yank me above water.

Im going to try to sleep. I guess i do miss my mom. If you knew her youd know why. She just does things my parents never did. And i guess im missing that. Sounds dumb im sure, but when you dont have it, then somebody gives you what you missed, its hard to go back to "life"

colleen

[Kiya]

Why is it that, even with an entire list of "good" coping mechanisms, there is just more satisfaction from harming the self?

What is that satisfaction? how does it hook us?

[Cthomas]

Cant answer that unfortunately, but the urges itsefl are wicked.

I made it through last night without cutting. thanks to my mom. she talked to me on the phone until i fell asleep. So as of monday its my one month mark.

Good news i guess?
Thanks kiya, hope youre having a great day today.
Colleen

[jacq10]

Glad to hear you made it through OK ...


Jacq

[Cthomas]

Thanks to mom....and YOU~!!!!

I slept so hard i dont even think i dreamt of anything.

Thanks again my friend. Once again. Im always here if you need me. will be PMing you in just a bit.

Colleen

[GoodMama]

<center>((((((((((Colleen)))))))))))</center>

I bet your Mom is VERY proud of you for making it thru the night ... and you should be proud of yourself, too! After all, she might have helped BUT <u>you</u> did the work. YOU fought the urges, YOU reached out for help ... and all the while YOU were able to help other people. I wonder if you know how amazing and how strong you really are?

Probably not ... I'm (sadly) learning that fact from the wonderful people who share their inner thoughts on these forums. You see, I need to know how I can help MY daughter get better. I know there isn't a "cure" ... I know she will always have to fight the demons in her past ... I know she'll always have to fight the urge to SI to take the pain away. I know this and all the while, the thing I want most in the world is to ease some of that pain and some of those urges. I hope and pray your new Mom can figure out how to help you!

Congratulations for making it thru last night, Colleen! Bet you could give your Mom the greatest present ever if you can make it thru Christmas, too. I wish and pray you'll call her again if the cravings get too much for you to handle alone?

<center>((((((((((((((Colleen))))))))))))</center>

Trying to be a GoodMama

[Cthomas]

I think my mom would b thrilled. Now thanks to her help and my friends here I made it through another night

I love my new mom. She's the best

Colleen

[Kiya]

That's great Colleen, congrats on the month!