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i am not so good tonight... it was a really hard day... i really want the calm... i can't stand feeling like this anymore... i hope you are in a better place today...lyn

not safe today. lots of things happening internally and out. too many emotions, too much internal rage, no structure. already 'tested' the current numbness of the host. feeling close to out of control.... sort of concerned, and sort of don't care. just want to be numb... just make it all go away. white flag, i don't care any more.

hey kiya... i care... i hope your able to find ways to stay safe... i was there last night... so i know you can get through too... one minute, one hour, one day ...k?
lyn

yeah so far. i got home alright so i am going to try and focus my energy on cleaning house. already numbed with rum earlier. just got to stay away from the sharp things.

i am glad you got home ok... how are you today... is your house nice and clean?... i can so relate... when do you see your t again?
lyn

ugh - i don't see t until... um.... next wed. just saw her yesterday. house is *cleaner*. not great. just trying to keep head above water - keep dog paddling. swat the darker sides of myself and thoughts away like flies. do the next task, then the next.

how are you doing?

i am glad your head is above water...keep paddling...ok? i am having a real hard time with my panic attacks and anxiety... the urges are pretty strong...but i have been able to stay grounded for the most part... i don't see my t till tuesday...but he is keeping in touch by phone... i guess i kind of scared him last week... i didn't mean too...lyn

aw =( I am glad he cares about you!

i didn't get through - but i'm not couning days either. was nothing serious. though i do wish T were in contact with me in between. I still consider myself keeping my head above the really deep waters.
k

my t doesn't usually call between unless i call him... i didn't tell him anything he hasn't heard before... oh well

kiya... in my eyes you did make it through... i think when i focus on cutting as being a failure it makes it worse... yes, i know it's not a healthy choice...yes, i know i will be held accountable... but, i think maybe looking at the reasons more then the results... not that we don't need to find other ways... and i would give anything not to be feeling this way... does that make any sense?... i am hitting the hardest time of my cycle... and i really want to make it past the 8 weeks... but if i don't???? and if i do, but don't figure out the under lying issues then what? maybe i will go 12 years again... but, is that the measure of success...if it's still there just laying dormant? i would give anything to never have started... to have run away before he hurt me...before they hurt me... to have found a healthy person to share the secret with... to have been able to just say no... and for that to have worked... not to have married an abuser... to have been a better parent... to be able to fixs my kids problems like i did when they were babies... not to have cut again as an adult...the list goes on and on... but the reality is... this is where i am... and i really don't want to keep replaying all this forever...but i am far from figuring out the answer to how to do that...got any ideas?
lyn

no. i haven't got any ideas. but i think i see your point... we're making it through because we haven't given in intirely - we're still alive. we're still getting by day by day. we still have coping habits - maybe not great, but we do cope. and you're right - i am also looking for the underlying issues.
kiya

i am glad you are still keeping your head above the deep waters... focus on all the days... hours ... minutes that you didn't cut...lyn

how are you holding up?

i think things are settling a bit...but i have been having to distract myself... i am going to see a play tonight...the belle of amhurst... i love emily dickenson and my t gave me a ticket... it's nice that he remembered how much i love her poems... i have a hard time going places by myself... so i guess this is a homework assignment...lol...you still keeping your head above water?... i wish i could give you an inner tube

lol - well, you gave me a smile with that idea.
that is nice of your t - and a good homework assng. i hope you enjoy it!
kiya

i enjoyed the play very much.... it was hard for me to be in the box seating... because i felt so closed in... and had people next to me ... but i could stay focused ... so that was a good thing... the play portrayed a different image of emily then the one i have always had... the poetry was wonderful.
it's really hard for me to receive gifts from people... so i have been flipping back and forth with this... but i am glad i decided to go.
how are you today? i hope your feet are touching... lyn

that is good - i share those issues around gifts, especially from t's. mine had simply donated some of her clothes that didn't fit her - all in good condition. i struggled with that
off an on for a long time.

today i think i am no longer treading water - so feet are touching. enough to try to figure out what i can do TODAY about my situation so today is better. I've already called a friend about seeing a movie... if i can keep this up and get out of the house today... that is my goal.
talk to you soon.
kiya

i am so glad you are touching bottom... i know how hard that is ... have fun at the movie... and enjoy your friend... lyn

i need to stop posting when i am feeling good - it gives the system a chance to pull the rug out and remind me whose in charge.
5 more tonight.
movie was good - saw golden compass. really violent. but read the book and it was good.

i am glad the movie was good... and your right... when you are feeling good... you need to protect that