My self harm journey

SlumberKitty

I've been self injuring (I usually call it self harm) since I was nine years old. I've been actively trying to quit for more than 10 years. It's been a long journey. I don't regret my scars because it's part of the road and part of who makes me....me. I do think I regret starting self harm in the first place, because I never knew it would be this hard to stop.

Right now I'm at a good place. I have currently 151 days of not self harming behind me which is the longest I've gone in quite some time. My ultimate goal is to never self harm again, but right now I'm trying to take it at three month increments. So my next three month increment will end on July 25th and start again on July 26th and go through until October 25th.


One of my previous therapists said I needed two years clean from self harm to be recovered. I don't know where he picked that number from. If it is anywhere specifically published or just his opinion, but anyway, that is my long term goal to get to that point where I can say I am recovered.


I have a chip I bought online, like the chips for AA or NA. It has the date that I last self harmed on it, and on the reverse (obverse) it says This day my new life began. I carry it with me, wherever I have my purse, I have that chip. It helps when I'm having urges, I can take out that chip and hold it and squeeze it and look at the date and say that you know, that was the last time.


It helps that the last time was a doozy. I was hospitalized because of it. So that really shook me up and put some fear into me. I don't want to forever struggle with this. It's taken up enough of my life. I want to be done with it. But each day is a struggle. I realize that I may stumble and I may fail. I hope if that happens I can pick myself up again, buy a new chip and keep going.


I just wanted to write this out. To get it out of my head and put it somewhere where it might mean something to someone else. I plan to post here on this thread again when I'm struggling, or even if I'm doing okay. This is where I'm at in my journey. Today I am okay. I might not be okay tomorrow but for right now, I'm okay.


Hang in there everyone! You are stronger than you know! HUGS Kit

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Skeezyks

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Bill3

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SlumberKitty

5 months today since I was hospitalized at the mental hospital because I had self harmed (not even on my wrists!) so lots of bad memories today. The stupid ER doctor who had me held on a 5150. I think it's almost comical. I requested, and received, my hospital notes. It said something about my affect being good and my responsiveness being good. If I was truly SUI I would not have had a good affect or a good or maybe any responsiveness. I still can't believe three doctors thought I was sui even though I told each of them that I wasn't in a very calm and even tone. I wasn't upset or crying or anything. Ugh. Then the hospital itself, I didn't even have sheets on the bed for two days. Just a bare mattress, the two blankets that the ambulance crew had stolen from the first hospital, and a comforter that the staff kind of lobbed in my direction when I was going to bed when I first got there in the middle of the night. My pets have better bedding than that! Inhuman. Ugh. I was trying to talk to my parents on my lunch break from work about how I'm having thoughts about the hospital but they don't get it. They literally were like turn that frown upside down and turn it into a smile. Am I a five year old? No. I don't want the 25th of each month to be a bad memory. So far it is. I'm trying to think of something positive, so you know, 6 months til Christmas! That's something. I have Monday off of work for my birthday and I'm going to the aquarium. That's something. I have Friday off of work next week for the 4th of July since the 4th lands on Saturday we get Friday off. So I have a three day work week. That's pretty cool. Ugh. It's not working.

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SlumberKitty

Having a rough go at it lately. I'm managing to not self injure but I don't know how. I'm having urges to do a lot of damage, which means I absolutely cannot give in to them because I'd likely end up back at the hospital and I don't want that. I just want the relief though that SH provides. But yeah the images I have in my head of what I want to do are not good. I need to not act on them. HUGS all, Kit

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Bill3

Hang in there SlumberKitty!

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Fuzzybear

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SlumberKitty

Today I am wanting to self harm. I'm so close to making it to my six month mark so I don't know what has gotten into me. I think part of it is that I'm bored, but not truly that I'm bored, there is something beneath the bored feelings whether it is self loathing or a feeling of being worth less. (Not worthless, but literally worth less than.) Maybe there is just a part of me that really wants to mess up because things have been going good for me lately with my MI and I don't know how to handle it going well. I want to mess up because I know how to deal with a mess up. I don't know how to deal with things going well with my MI. Then there is the extra stress of the furlough and not bringing in as much money. I have money saved up so that's good. And I can dip into investments if needed, so it's not like I have zero options. IDK. I know I need to text my support people and talk to them about this. I don't want to though. I just want to cut and then be like have to deal with the aftermath.

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SlumberKitty

I texted my support people. One of them texted me back already. She was sort of helpful but not a ton helpful. The other one is usually more helpful but she is a nurse so she works wacky hours and sometimes just texts me when she gets home or something, which might be 8 or 9 PM which I usually don't get the text til the next day in that case because I go to bed really super duper early. But I'm doing the support plan. I know it works, but it only works if I do it. HUGS Kit

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Bill3

Good job texting your support people. Hang in there Kit!

SlumberKitty

Yesterday I was having lots of urges and my arms were physically hurting even though I had not hurt them. So my Dad helped me wrap it up in an ace bandage. Just holding my bones together felt good.

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SlumberKitty

Almost to the six month anniversary date of my hospitalization, and the six month anniversary date of not having Self harmed. I'm not looking forward to the memories I'm going to have from the hospitalization. I am looking forward to celebrating six months because that is like HUGE in my book. (It's tomorrow 7/25/20). I still think the ER doctor was a gigantic jerk. I'd say some other words but that wouldn't be very ladylike nor in line with my religious beliefs so it is better if I don't say it. I still think the two ER psych doctors I saw were absolutely ridiculous. I still think it is hugely ironic that when I went to the ER because I was suicidal they sent me home. I go to the hospital because of self harm and they section me under the 5150 code. Still want to say some not nice words here about that, but I won't. The hospitalization itself was a numbing experience for me. I got through it by numbing myself. I was terribly stressed but I was super chill on the outside. I didn't want to cry or show too much emotion. I didn't want any reason for them to hold me any longer than necessary. They still held me an extra day. I think they just wanted money. I'm obviously focusing too much on the hospitalization date and not the self harm date. I'm trying to remember that this date has good things about it as well as bad things about it.

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SlumberKitty

I wish medical doctors would be educated about self harm so they wouldn't overreact and hospitalize you for self harm when it is not a suicide attempt. Plus the ER doctor seemed really mad at me. I don't know why. I didn't do anything to him. I did it to myself.

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SlumberKitty

I was wearing a Road ID which is a really cool product. It was a stainless steel block/chip thing on a rubbery type bracelet. But then I realized my wrist had broken out and was all red and blistery. I'm allergic to nickel and I contacted the company and sure enough there is nickel in the product. I was disappointed because I did like the product. Then I got the idea that I could psuedo hurt myself by wearing the bracelet and letting my wrist become raw and maybe infected. But I told myself I couldn't do that because that would be self harm because I know what would happen and it wouldn't be an accident. I'm really feeling more committed to not hurting myself. OF COURSE now today I feel like harming myself because I am feeling depressed. But maybe also because I thwarted my own idea about self harm and now I want to self harm proper? I'm not sure. UGH. Sometimes I feel like I hate myself.

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SlumberKitty

So sorry to whine again. I'm just not feeling well. At least I am almost off of work. I can go home and curl up in bed and hopefully shut out these thoughts and stuff. I feel miserable.

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SlumberKitty

I r-e-a-l-l-y am starting to feel like hurting myself would be a good option to get all these thoughts and stuff to go away. But I know it's not a good option. I just want to do it to release some stuff so I can feel better for a little while. UGH. So tired of feeling bad.

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Bill3

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SlumberKitty

Odd. I feel okay today but I'm getting stabbing pains on some of my scars. My most recent scars which are 7 months old. IDK. Maybe it is nerve damage. They are also itching. So when I go home I'll put some cream on it. Try to soothe the itch and the pain. I don't regret my scars but sometimes I wish I didn't have them. Especially in the summer in the triple digit heat. Wish I could just wear short sleeves like everyone else. I can at home, but not at work or other places.

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Bill3