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  #26  
Old Sep 11, 2020, 04:45 PM
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Ugh, now I'm like worried that I'm wasting T's time. I feel better knowing that I have an appointment with her but that doesn't mean that I'm not struggling.
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  #27  
Old Sep 11, 2020, 08:02 PM
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How did T go, Kit?
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  #28  
Old Sep 14, 2020, 12:37 PM
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T appointment went well. T reminded me that I can do this. A lot. If she would have said it is okay to SH I would have SH-ed but she didn't. She texted me over the weekend and again today letting me know she is thinking of me and that she is having loving thoughts towards me. That was nice. We mostly talked about journaling which I am not very good at doing and "feeling your feelings" which I'm not really good at. Actually I'm not good at naming them. I know when I'm well or unwell but I can't necessarily differentiate between different kinds of pain.
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  #29  
Old Sep 25, 2020, 01:30 PM
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Hi everyone. Today is a big day for me because it is 8 months since I have SH-ed. That is two thirds of a year! I'm proud of me and I'm happy that I have friends that are willing to walk this journey with me. Usually when it's the 25th of the month I get a lot of bad memories of the psych hospital too. So far today I'm not having too many of those so I am counting my blessings.


Like 10 days ago, two weeks ago, somewhere in there, I was really wanting to give into the urges. My T helped me. Some other people helped me. And I was able to get through the urges. I'm so glad I did. Look at where I am now!! I wouldn't have been here if I couldn't have gotten through the urges. It's really hard sometimes. I would think after this long it would get easier, and I think it has overall. But there are still days, and moments, and weeks where it's stinking hard! Hopefully those days and moments and weeks become more and more infrequent.


It's a good journey. It's a good fight. I'm glad I'm having this battle now so the second half of my life can be better than the first half. Opening up to others and letting them help me was really the key for me. I can't take credit for the idea. It was Pastor T's idea and at the time I thought he was a bit of a fruitcake to suggest it but I was desperate so I did it. It's been the best thing for me, really it has.


Keep up the good fight, all you in this fight with me. Some times we will win, sometimes we might lose, but overall I think we can win the war. Just gotta stop warring with ourselves!


HUGS!!!! Kit
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  #30  
Old Sep 25, 2020, 04:35 PM
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  #31  
Old Oct 20, 2020, 04:41 PM
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I have been feeling like my self harm isn't finished even though I am making good strides and keeping up the days without it. It will be nine months on Sunday. But I feel like I need to self harm and go get stitches in my arm in order for it to be complete. Even though I know that is utter rubbish because I have self harmed before and gotten stitches before and it certainly didn't make my self harm complete. I just get these thoughts like "one more good cut and then I can be done with it" and stuff like that. I know it is all lies. But it is hard to not listen to them.

So T on Saturday asked me to come up with a ritual where I can feel like I am finished with self harm. Has anyone here ever done this?

I ordered some anointing oil off of Amazon. I'm going to get a white candle and I don't know I am thinking something red (maybe juice) and light the candle, say some scripture, maybe drink the juice and then use the anointing oil on my arms. My T said this may take more than once to "take hold" where I feel like it's complete. I have a Judeo-Christian background so my ritual probably sounds religious in tone but it's really the only thing I can think of right now. I'll get the oil on Thursday. So tomorrow I need to get the candle and maybe juice or something else red. And then try it out and see what happens.


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  #32  
Old Oct 20, 2020, 04:44 PM
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Also does anyone else here feel like self harming is comforting? I'm having trouble self comforting since I am not currently self harming.


So sometimes I wrap my arms in an ace bandage and it feels kind of like they are being wrapped in gauze (but cheaper than gauze). Or I'll heat up the heating pad and hold it on my arms.


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  #33  
Old Nov 03, 2020, 08:27 PM
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  #34  
Old Nov 04, 2020, 11:04 AM
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  #35  
Old Nov 04, 2020, 11:06 AM
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I am really wanting to self harm. It's been coming and going in waves. The past couple of days have been hard. It's more in my head and my emotions than a physical thing. Sometimes it is more of a physical thing. My pastor (Who is also a therapist) says I have an emotional and physiological addiction to self harm. Right now it feels like the battle is in my head. I'm not even sure what is triggering me.
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  #36  
Old Nov 04, 2020, 05:01 PM
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I got out a
Possible trigger:
and looked at it trying to decide if I wanted to give in and SH. I thought about all the people who are counting on me to make this work...this being living without self harm. I thought about all the days I have lined up (284) without self harm. I read some scripture and prayed. It was kind of funny because I have the
Possible trigger:
under a stack of prayer cards at work and the top one kept coming off and flipping upside down which has the scripture on it. So I finally was able to put the
Possible trigger:
away.
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  #37  
Old Nov 04, 2020, 07:59 PM
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Originally Posted by SlumberKitty View Post
I am really wanting to self harm. It's been coming and going in waves. The past couple of days have been hard. It's more in my head and my emotions than a physical thing. Sometimes it is more of a physical thing. My pastor (Who is also a therapist) says I have an emotional and physiological addiction to self harm. Right now it feels like the battle is in my head. I'm not even sure what is triggering me.
Hey Slumberkitty,
I guess this might have been suggested before (I don't know though) - do you ever find journaling your thoughts, without censoring them, to be helpful? Or maybe scribbling or writing in red ink, or coloured pencils? I wonder if journaling your thoughts might help you to uncover what is triggering you. (Personally, I haven't really got into journaling. Someone had said they would be happy to tell me more about different sorts of journaling. (This person is not around at the moment )

I think some professionals know about this, but not any I have consulted in this forest irl. Grrrr Maybe your pastor is right, it sounds as if its framed in a slightly (maybe) ''blaming'' way, I don't know. Or rather, it sounds rather impersonal. These are just my thoughts, I'm not censoring myself as much as I usually do. I hope some of it is helpful, or at least not unhelpful.

ETA I think you're doing a great job sharing in this thread (maybe its sort of like a journal )


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  #38  
Old Nov 04, 2020, 08:01 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SlumberKitty View Post
I got out a
Possible trigger:
and looked at it trying to decide if I wanted to give in and SH. I thought about all the people who are counting on me to make this work...this being living without self harm. I thought about all the days I have lined up (284) without self harm. I read some scripture and prayed. It was kind of funny because I have the
Possible trigger:
under a stack of prayer cards at work and the top one kept coming off and flipping upside down which has the scripture on it. So I finally was able to put the
Possible trigger:
away.
Thinking of you. Hugs and much respect
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  #39  
Old Nov 05, 2020, 11:52 AM
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Thank you Fuzzybear! I haven't been able to really journal, but this thread is kind of like a journal although I'm happy when others interact with me on it. My T always tells me to just write and write and write until I am done writing but it's hard to even get started....she says even just write one word. I don't know. I have a mental block or something. Sometimes I do get out some markers or colors and just scribble and that can be cathartic. Thanks for your hugs and your thoughts.
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  #40  
Old Nov 06, 2020, 06:03 PM
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I used to think that self harm helped with the suicidal thoughts because they would (temporarily) go away. But since I haven't been engaging in self harm as much (or at all for the last 286 days) I haven't been suicidal as much. So it's kind of opposite. But I'm suicidal right now and the intensity of wanting to self harm is high. I wonder if this is just an old pattern or if it is a way to make the suicidal feelings go away?
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  #41  
Old Nov 07, 2020, 12:26 PM
The_little_didgee The_little_didgee is offline
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I used to think that self harm helped with the suicidal thoughts because they would (temporarily) go away. But since I haven't been engaging in self harm as much (or at all for the last 286 days) I haven't been suicidal as much. So it's kind of opposite. But I'm suicidal right now and the intensity of wanting to self harm is high. I wonder if this is just an old pattern or if it is a way to make the suicidal feelings go away?


Could the suicidal feelings represent something deeper than the act of self-harm?
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  #42  
Old Nov 09, 2020, 12:22 PM
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Could the suicidal feelings represent something deeper than the act of self-harm?
Yes I think so. I think it's self harm at its extreme. It's like total annihilation of the self. Self harm at that stage is like putting a bandaid on a wound that needs stitches. Still when nothing else seems to work it's like something is better than nothing.

Luckily I seem to be feeling better today. Just some hallucinations this morning but otherwise I'm good. Not feeling suicidal. Struggled with the self harm feelings all weekend but they are manageable now.
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  #43  
Old Nov 09, 2020, 02:15 PM
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So happy to hear!
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  #44  
Old Nov 14, 2020, 11:39 AM
The_little_didgee The_little_didgee is offline
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Yes I think so. I think it's self harm at its extreme. It's like total annihilation of the self. Self harm at that stage is like putting a bandaid on a wound that needs stitches. Still when nothing else seems to work it's like something is better than nothing.


Could there be an element of distraction? Getting stitches could be a temporary escape from whatever is bothering you. My recent work accident has made me wonder about this.

A few weeks back I cut my middle finger on a piece of sheet metal that someone carelessly placed on a cart when I walked by it. It required 3 stitches on my middle finger. My boss sent me to Emergency. The physician's assistant who repaired my wound was entertaining. I really enjoyed my interaction with her. Plus I got paid while I was there and got the next day off. It was nice to have a brief paid break from work.

Could self-harm reflect a lack of coping options?

I'm glad you are feeling better.
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  #45  
Old Nov 16, 2020, 09:39 AM
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I started self harming when I was around eight. And actually my sister found out but told no one. My brother caught me self-harming one time and looked mad obviously, I stood up and neither of us said anything. He didn’t even tell our parents about it. I wonder if my life would be different if he had?
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  #46  
Old Nov 16, 2020, 03:04 PM
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Originally Posted by The_little_didgee View Post

Could there be an element of distraction? Getting stitches could be a temporary escape from whatever is bothering you. My recent work accident has made me wonder about this.

A few weeks back I cut my middle finger on a piece of sheet metal that someone carelessly placed on a cart when I walked by it. It required 3 stitches on my middle finger. My boss sent me to Emergency. The physician's assistant who repaired my wound was entertaining. I really enjoyed my interaction with her. Plus I got paid while I was there and got the next day off. It was nice to have a brief paid break from work.

Could self-harm reflect a lack of coping options?

I'm glad you are feeling better.
Yeah, I think there could be an element of distraction. It's also self care in the extreme (or other care?) Like someone else taking care of me. When I SH, which I haven't done in a while, it's helpful to cover with gauze and so forth. It's soothing and comforting. So is getting stitches. And it requires someone giving me attention. Not that I SH for attention, but there is an element of saying...."Look, I am not okay right now!" And the medical professional has to see that, and then another medical professional has to see that when they take out the stitches. It's like a validation of the internal pain.

Luckily I have a lot more coping skills now than I did before. Hopefully I won't ever have to get stitches again.
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  #47  
Old Nov 16, 2020, 03:05 PM
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I started self harming when I was around eight. And actually my sister found out but told no one. My brother caught me self-harming one time and looked mad obviously, I stood up and neither of us said anything. He didn’t even tell our parents about it. I wonder if my life would be different if he had?
I imagine your life would have been quite different.


I started SH at 9. My parents found out when I was 18 or 19. Threatened hospitalization. Then ultimately did nothing. We didn't talk about it for years. Now we do. It's so much more healing.
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  #48  
Old Nov 19, 2020, 01:49 PM
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I ordered myself a ring (should get it in January 2021) from Jostens (that company where you order class rings from). I customized it. It has my initials, it has the word "faith" and the word "recovery" and 2020 because that is the year I got serious about recovering from SH. (300 days tomorrow). On the inside of the ring you could engrave it. So I put "Don't give up!" And "God's Got You!" I'm excited. It was kind of expensive $300 but if/when I make it to January 25, 2021 it will be a year. I figured that was worth it. Less than a dollar a day!
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  #49  
Old Nov 30, 2020, 02:37 PM
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I had to get lab work done on Saturday (blood work for my doctor). It always is triggering to have someone looking at my arm(s). I was triggered of course because I had to show my bare arm with all my scars to the lady taking my blood. She was really nice though. I was watching her draw the blood and she asked me if I was okay. That was nice. I was okay, just triggered. Luckily I had therapy a few hours later. We didn't really discuss it though, just brought it up. My T said in like 10 years I could have surgery to reduce the scarring. I told her some of them were pretty deep and I didn't think it would do much good. But who knows by then, maybe the surgery techniques will be better. If not, I'm stuck with these scars the rest of my life. I don't really regret them, just when someone sees my arm. Normally I wear long sleeves and cover them up. Or if I wear three quarter sleeves I wear makeup on my wrists so that it's not so noticeable. But normally I just wear long sleeves. It was triggering though.
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  #50  
Old Dec 08, 2020, 12:29 PM
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The last few days have been really hard for me. I've been having triggering images in my head and a lot of physiological symptoms from not self harming. Like my arms will hurt. It feels like I am fighting against it with every fiber in my being. Sad thing is I don't think that anything can help. I'm so scared I'm going to break down and Self harm when I'm so close to making a year without. I'm at 318 days. My friend who is a nurse is like you do not want to do that (because I will likely need stitches if I do) she's like the ER is packed right now. Please something make it stop.
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