[Jordy]

WARNING: csa trigger!!! Do not read if you can be triggered



I haven't cut myself in months, only once or twice over the last year, and before that I hadn't done it in 2 or 3 years. But lately the urge to do it again is getting stronger.
Every night, when I try to sleep I feel like someone is near me only waiting to hurt me. Most of the time I feel like that person is against me and will rape me in the next few seconds... like I can physically feel some pressure on my private areas, and all I can think about is to cut myself in those areas to stop that feeling. I often wish I was horse, then a Caslick surgery where I would be sewn shut would be acceptable... I so often fantasize about doing it myself to feel safer, but I know that's a really crazy idea. Too bad I know a lot about horses, and the exact procedure for this surgery... Makes it that much more difficult not to act on it. I can't even believe I'm writing this... I thought I'd never tell anyone, but tonight I was on the verge of doing it...
I don't even know how to handle this, I'm so calm that it scares me! I only want this pressure on me to stop, but I don't know how to achieve that. I've already tried all my usual tricks and this feeling won't stop...

Please don't judge for what I wrote... I already feel bad enough about it...

[smmath]

I'm sorry you are going through such a tough time. No one here is going to judge you for what you have and might post. Do you have a therapist? Have you tried writing things down to let the emotions out?

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk

[Jordy]

Yes, I have a T, but won't have a session with her until next week. I'll see her tomorrow for my skills group, but that's not the time or place to discuss such difficult matters.
Unfortunately writing doesn't help me when I feel like this. All I can really do is be patient and wait for this sensation to fade...

[smmath]

Have you tried meditation to help with the waiting the sensation out?

[Jordy]

yes, I've tried it but hasn't worked tonight. Maybe I should try again now that I feel slightly better...

[smmath]

I hope it works better for you. Do distracting techniques help you? Sometimes I like to "feel the feeling" to get the emotion out, and then I feel a lot better.

[Jordy]

Right now I don't want to feel anything, only get some sleep. It's already 2 am here

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[smmath]

Good night. I had no idea it was so late there.

[notz]

Rest well, Jordy.

[mazing]

I hope you can get some sleep. Thinking of you.

[Jordy]

thanks all for your support! Yes I could get some sleep.
Not feeling too well today, but I wasn't supposed to work anyway. All I wanted was to stay in bed and not be bothered by anyone, so I pretended to have a migraine. I'm better now, and will finally get up.

[Jordy]

And the nightly battle starts again... All I want is some sleep!

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[Jordy]

made it safely through the night... hopefully tonight will be easier...

[Hoppery]

I am having the same problem. I cry myself to sleep almost every night. I feel pain that I can't otherwise express. I try writing poetry, it doesn't really help. I can't distract myself. All what is on my mind, is what's on yours. I guess we can wait out the storm together.