Bam! Out of Nowhere!

I hate how SH urges come up out of nowhere. Like everything will be fine and then....
BAM!

Out of nowhere, here's an urge. And it's like, oh here we go again, I want to cut.

My T keeps telling me that I don't really want to do it anymore. (Because I haven't done it in a while.) And I keep telling her she doesn't understand. Because I know I do still want to do it. I am just choosing not to.

Of course, at any time, after Lent, I can choose to do so again. But I don't really want to get sucked up in the spiral. But that doesn't mean that I don't really want it.

Kit

Dear SlumberKitty,

So sorry that is happening to you. Wish I knew what to say that would help. I admire both your insight into SH and your heroic struggles. You are an inspiration to me.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

Thanks Yao Wen,

It is nice to be heard.


HUGS Kit

Out of nowhere again! Bam! I was texting a friend and she hasn't gotten back to me in a while (like a couple of weeks, not hours) and so I texted her to see if she was busy or if I was bothering her. She said she's under a lot of pressure right now and that she isn't being a good friend and that she hopes I understand and am not hurt. Except I am hurt. It takes very little effort to text. Even just like once a week. Like hey, hanging in there, thanks! I know she's been going through a lot so I'm trying to give her lots of grace but I can't help my feelings and my feelings are hurt. And because my feelings are hurt, I want to hurt myself. I don't know what kind of sense that makes. I'm sure there's all sorts of emotions and thoughts and feelings underneath.

Feelings and thoughts of being bad
Not being good enough
Not being worthy
Not being a good friend
Guilt over having my feelings hurt when she's going through so much
Feeling bad that she doesn't confide in me even though I confide in her

And on and on and on.

I just want to take the blade and silence these thoughts and silence these feelings and not hurt anymore.

My boss, the owner of the company, not my direct boss, just got the gift basket I sent him for his birthday. He likes it and he was surprised by it so this makes me happy. Is it enough to balance out the bad feelings from my other friend so I don't feel the need to self harm? Only time will tell.