[Rapunzel]

Why does he have to push me past my limits when there is nothing constructive I can do about it? I don't even care about reasons not to right now. I haven't cut in pretty close to a year. I really want to tonight, but I'm not sure I can find my knife. It's buried in a drawer somewhere and it's dark in here. Maybe I'll have to find something else. Sorry - I hate to be a bad influence.

How can he actually insist that if I set limits about what I can't do right now, and if I can't guarantee the future that I'm forcing him to give up everything that he is or cares about? I can't do what I can't do. I keep trying to anyway, and it always backfires and then it's that much harder ever to try again, and more damaging when I still can't. Sorry this is so cryptic. It's the best I can do right now.

I wish it weren't too dark and cold to go outside and get some exercise. I am so tired, and don't feel like sleeping. I was starting to feel better for a little while, but it only lasts while the sun is out. And it's supposed to snow again tomorrow. Starting to hate snow.

[Christina86]

(((((((((((((Rapunzel))))))))))))))))))))

Hope you managed to avoid the urges. Sorry I didn't see this sooner. Go easy on yourself.

[bipolar_bear]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Rap))))))))))))))))))))))))) I am hoping that you were able to not cut. You have a lot on your plate and your coping mechanisms seemed to be unavailable last night. I am sorry you are at odds with him right now. You are right all you can do is the best you can do. I am sorry he is expecting more from you. I hope that you can talk it out and come to some agreement that is possible for you to fulfill. I hope things improve.

BB

[Rapunzel]

I read the entire reasons not to thread over again, and argued with each reason, even if my argument was simply "I don't care." Then I read the emails I have gotten from my T the last several weeks, including a couple where I wrote her and asked for a hug. I thought about how nice it has been lately to feel like she actually cares about me, and not be worried that she will be mad at me or reject me or abandon me. I'm reading a book about personality disorders, that focuses on Borderline a lot, and it really fits me. That was how it started with him last night. We were getting along and I commented on how borderline i really am, and was going to ask him to read the book too, but he won't care and won't want to read the book. he agreed that i was crazy but said that therapy is making it worse because he thinks i'm lying to him about why i go to therapy and that i should be there to work on improving our relationship and keeping the family together but from what he can see it's all selfish reasons and i keep setting limits and saying that i have to work on myself before i can work on a relationship with him. he thinks that everything should be all about how it relates to him. and he says that i never tell him anything but i tried to offer to try again to explain wher i am to him and he said he won't let me change the topic and make it about me. he doesn't care about me he only cares about what he's not getting from me. i don't even care if he sees this. he won't listen if i try to talk to him or open up. he just lectures me about how it affects him without even listening long enough to know how i feel or what i think. he must think that he already knows all of that.

Anyway, i scratched my arm up with a knife and caused some temporary pain but no blood. i was cooled down too much by then and thinking about not wanting to mess up being able to feel good about T. She wouldn't like it if i resorted to cutting after writing to her to ask for hugs, even though it's been a couple of days. so i didn't do anything too bad, and it's already just a little red there, and will disappear probably by tonight. maybe she will still give me credit for trying

[Fuzzybear]

aww I'm sorry you're struggling and that he's being so unhelpful, growl. Night time is often the worst for me as well PM me any time

((((((((((( Rap )))))))))))


xoxo
your fuzzy friend

[Kiya]

yeah, twilight/night is like another place - dangerous. I'm so sorry rap =(
I am hoping for you that he can let go a little and see that you're hurting - that some IS about you and that you do have to take care of yourself. I never understand when ppl tell others their reason for being in therapy is selfish.
Hope tonight is better for you - even if it snows.
((((((((((((((((((((rap)))))))))))))))))))))))

[Rapunzel]

We're supposed to have another blizzard today, but it hasn't shown up yet. I hope it's not as bad as 2 weeks ago when I crashed my car. THe radio is saying don't drive anywhere if you can help it, but I had internship today and then had to go to work and will have to work late.

I felt better temporarily when focused on clients at internship, but when that's over and i have time to think about anything else (like when i get in the car - the new one has no stereo yet and i don't have time to get one installed), then it all comes back. I really have to get a lot of paperwork done today, and then I have classes to teach tomorrow. I hope I can manage that. I wish I could just stay at the office even if it takes all night, until I get done, but they close the building at 5.

[Kiya]

take your sleeping bag, a thermos of soup, and some clothes and pretend the office is empty until they leave?
it'd be like that kid from Neverending Story who hides in the school attic for 2 days.

Hope you can keep your mood and spirits up!
(((((((((((many hugs)))))))))))) Kiya