[HALLIEBETH87]

I am not sure why but out of the blue....I want to die. I am thinking about suicide-I don't have a reason to or even a plan. All I know is death is looking good to me right now. I would like someone to talk to. PLEASE!!

[SweetCrusader]

Ok, is there anyone you can call to come be with you in person? That would be best, if there is someone. You don't even have to tell them why, just ask them to spend some time with you and talk to you.

Now, something had to have triggered this. Try to slow down and think about where this feeling is coming from.

I'll watch for another post from you.

*safe hugs* if you want them
Angela

[lenjan]

Here's my best advice: Take a nap.

Seriously, when that happens to me, it means I"m overtired and my mind is overworked. Go take a nap, or do something distracting that requires concentration. It'll pass.

Candy

[HALLIEBETH87]

I can't take a nap I have to do my homework. I can't call anyone. I kinda don't even want to call anyone. i think it is b/c I was thinking abou t my step-mom earlier and all the [censored] she did. I haven't cut in a while but I want to..I can't cause I go to my T on Tuesday and she'll ask to look at my arms. What should I do?

[SweetCrusader]

Can you call your T?

[HALLIEBETH87]

I can but not at a late hour and she would probably tell my grandma to take me to a hospital

[PlanningtoLive]

Calm down first of all. I understand this urge to die. It will pass, it is your anxiety........BPDs are good at getting really stressed, really fast.

When it happens with me, I have overwhelming feelings and it is next to impossible for me to think clearly. But you are doing fine while you're posting. You need to focus on something else.........concentrate very hard on whatever it is.

I usually try to close my eyes and think about something pleasant. It takes a lot of effort to get those feelings to subside. My former T was awesome and getting thru to me and having me do this.

I'm around if it would help - I can be in chat if you want.

Mary Alice

[SweetCrusader]

Ok, well maybe a hospital wouldn't be such a bad idea though. You've really been struggling lately.

If you don't want to call your T, my next idea would be to watch a funny movie that can distract you. That helps me a lot when I do that.

Do you think that might keep you safe for now, until you can talk to someone?

[HALLIEBETH87]

I am not necessarily BPD....the pyschiatrist only said I have traits of Borderline..
how could a hospital ever not be bad??? that terrifies me. i couldn't ever deal with that, I came close a couple weeks ago-that is why I haven't talked to anyone I know about it. I have had a really bad week

[PlanningtoLive]

Hallie, hospitals are not bad. They help you. If you go in on your own it's a lot better than being brought in the other way.

Check into it and you'll see. They have group, activities, etc.

[HALLIEBETH87]

They scare me soooo much. I can't handle being locked up not knowing when I will get out.

[PlanningtoLive]

If you go in voluntarily, you're not "locked up". You're there for help and you can go outside if you wish, at least at my hospital you can. I can stay for 2-3 days and then leave.

If you do something to land yourself in there, that's different. I did that too and had to stay for a week without most priviledges (sp) until I earned them. I couldn't leave till I had worked out a safety plan with my pdoc.

That's why maybe you could go in on your own.

[HALLIEBETH87]

No the hospitals around here are usually locked up all the way around- I have a friend whos been there. She said u r locked up. They won't release u until they see fit- I am only 17

[Zenobia]

Halliebeth,
We cannot help you here if you are not willing to help yourself. There are many things you can do to help yourself feel better. Some have been mentioned already.

Take a nap
Play a video game
eat something wonderfully delicious
excercise
write in your journal
do your homework
call someone--there are crisis lines you can call if there isn't anyone you know off hand
you can come here
you can look at the beautiful artwork on elfwood
you can put henna designs on your body

What you can't do is focus on the desire to die instead of things that you can do to live. It is hard. I spent years in a suicidal state. I still have moments when I get the desire to die. What I have learned is that tomorrow is another day and there is no telling what wonderful thing may appear that will make you glad you didn't act on you impulse.

Also there may be a misconception about what it is like in the hospital. If you try to self harm <font color="purple"> </font> IN <font color="black"> </font> the hospital they will put you in lock up. Or if you are agressive to staff or other patients. But if you go there to seek help and to get better then it is a different matter. If you have doubts about what the people have said here call your therapist and ask her what the hospitals in your area are like. Have her tell you what to expect when you get checked in and what routines are usually followed. That way next time you feel this way you will know that this is an option for you. One time I when I did go in to the emergency room I was taken into a lock up but I was with a friend, they let her stay with me and left the door unlocked. Then they shot me up with ativan, made me promise to call my T, and sent me on my way. This was after a major episode where I had cut up my hand, was hearing voices and curled up in the garage. Anyway, it is important you get help now.
Carrie

[HALLIEBETH87]

and what do u suggest i do??

[SweetCrusader]

Carrie gave you a list. Maybe you can try some of the things on that list? Right now your focus is on the suicidal urges, and you're going to have trouble resisting them. See if you can get your mind on something else for a while.

[HALLIEBETH87]

i called a suicide line. im ok now. bye

[SweetCrusader]

Are you really ok? I'm not sure I buy it

[HALLIEBETH87]

ok i am not a good liar. im just not sure how any on u guys can help me, its not like u r here in person. i tried to call my friend but all her family is at her house so that sucks. for now i am just watching a movie called Center Stage.

[itsjustme111]

Ditto Angela. I have been reading this, not sure what to say.

Well its good to watch a movie. Not sure what movie this is. Keep trying to call. I do understand what u are saying. Its hard cause we are not right there with u. But keep coming in here and talking, hopefully this will help u hang in through this.

Crisis will pass. Its hard, I know, but u can't take back suicide. And u know that. If worse comes to worse, u will have to call someone and be in a safer place. It sucks but U need to be okay. let us know; honestly.

Justy

[HALLIEBETH87]

ok

[SweetCrusader]

I'm not sure how we can help you either, other than letting you know that there are people who care.

Please try and be safe, Halliebeth.

*big hugs* if you want 'em

Angela

[HALLIEBETH87]

i am doing my best. goodnight

[SweetCrusader]

Well, your best is all that anyone can ask of you.

Good luck to you! Good night!

[HALLIEBETH87]

i do have to admit though that the shard of glass i have hidden in my room is calling my name right about now