[PlanningtoLive]

I'm kind of sending out a SOS here........I'm really stressed lately. I've been waiting for some things to clear regarding my job, and basically am down to the last few days, as my temporary license will expire soon. If things don't clear, from my past, I will lose my job. I just also accepted another job in the same field, which means I would lose two jobs.

The only person left from my class got his permanent license from the State - and I haven't yet.......which makes me afraid. Without my job, there will be no money to keep things from sinking here at home.

More I guess, is if these "things" don't clear with the State, I will feel sub-human again. This stuff is from 10 years ago and I thought I had buried it all back then - but like Stephen King says, some things never stay buried. I've had so many memories, horrible flashbacks since I started this job - but I took a chance thinking I could keep things under control and that 10 years was long enough - how wrong I was.

Sometimes at work I am posted out at little huts all by myself. Classic example is last night. I work third shift and am alllllllllll alone out there except for truck drivers that speed through. From 2am-4am, I tried everything I could to stop thinking about harming myself. I ended up counting the meds I had with me, and knew that 28 of them would not do the trick.

I've starting burning myself again. I told my pdoc about all of this yesterday and we went over my game plan, that hopefully, if things go wrong, I can do: during normal day hours I am to call or page him ASAP and he will respond. Outside of that I have to get to the hospital, where I was in Sept., and check myself in - a 45 min. drive from my house.

I go to that hospital because he works out of there, but mostly because they are the best around. All of my docs, and my son's, are affiliated with it. Here in town, you'd rather be dead than go there.

My pdoc is proud of me for trying to get something in place - my T is upset I think because I am going to my pdoc for all of this, but I am just not comfortable with him. I'm trying to work things out with my T but he is more interested in "goals" and "safety plans" than about really talking to me. After all the appts. I've had with him, he really knows nothing about me or my past. My pdoc, on the other hand, is awesome. He gives me samples of meds because I now have no insurance, and he's checking into it so that he doesn't charge me for visits, so I can keep going.

The hospital/clinic has a "hardship" program which has covered a lot of my back bills and if my pdoc can't do that, which he will charge me only what I can afford, which is next to nothing.

I'm scared - if things go bad I have no other jobs lined up. I can't afford 2 or 3 weeks before I get a job. I've been working 12 hour shifts trying to get extra money, time and a half. I'm so used to salary and dropping down to hourly is really hurting me financially. It feels like this huge vise is squeezing me to see just far I can go without exploding.

So, may I please have squishies, hugs, etc.? I need some support over the next few days........please.

Mary Alice

[lenjan]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I have been in similar boats, and I know how scary it is to be out on the wide open sea with no Coast Guard vessles in sight (to torture an analogy :-). I hope that everything works out for you. In the meantime, lean on us as much as you need to. You can PM or email me anytime ... or I can plot a trip there, it's not far! :-)

XOXO
Candy

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{Candy}}}}}}}}}}} thank you.

This is h*ll to put it bluntly. My nerves are just about all gone. My pdoc has increased my Geodon since nothing seems to be working.

I exploded a couple of days ago at work in the supervisor's office about stuff that was happening at work - to me, it's either black or white........no gray. That causes problems for me. But anyway I had kept my mouth shut for a week and then bam! I exploded..........[sigh] Now I'm counting meds - and tonight I'll be alone again somewhere at work. I am definitely not my own best friend these days.

[ktp]

((((((((((((((((((((((MARY ALICE))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

*Super big warm mega tight squishies just for you *

I wish there was something I could do to help take some of your pain away. I'm so sorry that you're feeling so badly. I hope the increase of meds works for you. Sending good thoughts that things get better for you really soon.

Take Care,
Kimberly.

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}
Here's a squishy hug for you. Thanks for talking to us. I've missed you. What are you doing now? I've gotten into long shifts too - usually 15 hours. And I got a second job that pays more per hour, but the second job is only a total of 15 hours for the week, so it's a piece of cake. 44 hours between the two jobs, or more if I get called in. Not too bad.

Love 'Ya! Take Care of Yourself!
Wendy

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Mary Alice))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[SweetCrusader]

Super special squishies to you!!!!

((((((((((((((((((Mary Alice)))))))))))))))))

Hang in there, sweetie, and keep posting to us!!!

[heatherm]

(((((((((((((((Mary Alice)))))))))))))))))

Super squishees coming your way hun. Gosh you go through so much.....and as always you are an inspiration to me and so many others here. You keep plowing through all this. I know in my heart that the sun is going to shine on you and Alex and things are going to be better. I can feel it.

Love you sister!
xoxo

[Zenobia]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Hugs and good thoughts}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
I am glad you have found support from your pdoc that you couldn't find in your T. I feel a little relief that you are not facing this all alone in the "real world". You are in my thoughts, dear one.
Carrie

[PlanningtoLive]

You are all so awesome! Thanks for all the hugs, squishees and support. I need them, believe me.

Carrie, Heather, Fuzzy, Ozzie, Ktp, Angela and Wendy - thanks so very much.

My job is as a security officer on third shift. I belong to a union and work at an automobile plant only six minutes from my house. The union kicks in around the next paycheck or so - before 90 days are up. I'm either at a post outside in the boondocks or inside the plant doing patrols and such.

My second job, if I can get a hold of the director, is as security at the local mall. But both jobs are in jeopardy and that really concerns me.

It gets tiring constantly going through this kind of stress, doesn't it? Then xmas is coming along with my son's b-day.

Tonight should be okay - I won't be able to act on those impulses. I'll be with someone my whole shift walking the plant, so I can't do anything.

One day down........how many more to go. Thanks again everyone. Keep them hugs coming please.......and prayers.

[Wants2Fly]

(((((((((((((((((((Mary Alice)))))))))))))))))))))))

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{Wants}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[jetblackaura]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((safe hugs))))))))))))))))))))

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{{{{jetblackaura}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} thank you.

[ktp]

((((((((((((Mary Alice))))))))))))))))

positive thoughts and prayers headed your way sweetie...

Take Care of yourself,
Kimberly.

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{Kimberly}}}}}}}}}}} thank you very much.

[SweetCrusader]

((((((((((((Mary Alice))))))))))))))))

[PlanningtoLive]

There is a good possibility that I may be going into the hospital. I talked to my pdoc today and he told me that considering how I am, he'd rather work something out with me and have it done voluntarily than the other way. I am supposed to call him tomorrow (after getting through tonight with that in mind) and if I still feel the same, I guess we're going to schedule a couple days in the hospital.

I don't know if that will help honestly. I don't know if the meds will change (I doubt it, he just increased my dosage) or what they would do. [shrug].

Any thoughts, anyone, on what they may do? My pdoc won't be there in person - he'll be in contact by phone all the time.

[Rapunzel]

I hope it helps you. I haven't been in the hospital, so I don't know what to tell you. I think you get out of it what you put into it though.
(((((((hugs))))))))

[ktp]

(((((((((((((((((((More super tight squishies)))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry for all you're going through hon. I've never been to the hospital either so I have nothing wise to say but want you to know we're here for you always.

Take Care of yourself
Above all, stay safe,
Much love,
Kimberly.

[Peanut61]

((((((((((((((Mary Alice)))))))))))))))... XOXO!!

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{Wendy}}}}}}}}}}

You do - effort equals results. This would be a time to regroup for me - nothing to be coming at me stress-wise, time to think, hopefully clearly.

I talked to my pdoc today and we are setting up a plan where every couple of months I can go to the hospital for a two or three day stay - a safety net if you will.

It will give me an alternative to cutting/burning/or worse. Just knowing that I can do it will hopefully make things better. He's getting the form ready for me, all I have to do is sign it and then call him when I'm ready to go. He'll call the hospital (which will have a copy of this agreement in their files) and then check myself in as long as there is a room available.

The only thing I have to do is attend any group therapy sessions that are held on the floor during my stay there. I thought that was perfectly understandable and certainly not too much to ask for.

Anytime after tomorrow I may use the first set of days. My pdoc also filled out a form for the hospital billing office detailing the fact that I need to be able to see him and my T - at either no charge, or very little, because of my attempt in September. That will also go through.

I told my pdoc today how very much he is appreciated and that I never thought I would think so highly of anyone again after the time spent with my former T. He was pleased, maybe even embarrassed.....lol. I just wanted him to know how much I realize I can count on him - and that means the world to me........plus he does exactly what he says, all very quickly too.

I'm lucky to have him.

[PlanningtoLive]

Thanks, Kimberly. That fact alone really helps me.



Mary Alice

[PlanningtoLive]

I'm trying, Jill. Really, really hard........

xoxoxox {{{{{{{{Jill}}}}}}}}}}}

[poptardqueen]

((((((((((Mary Alice)))))))))))))))))

Hey honey,
I haven't talked to you in a while, but I'm sorry to hear things aren't going well darlin
Maybe the hospital is the best option at this point. It's a safe place if nothing else ey?
If I had to guess what they'd do is mostly just watch you and keep you safe. That's the primary goal behind hospitalization anyways, crisis management I guess. At least that's how it's been for me those times. It's a temporary fix, but often a very necessary and crucial one at that. They may change your meds, it's hard to say. The only problem I have with the changing of meds in the hospital is that the doctors there know next to nothing about you and try and change everything up based on seeing you for a few days. I know that when this has happened everything just ended up getting switched back once I got back with my doctor. Oh well, it's different for everyone.
But anyways, My thoughts are with you more than ever, and please keep me updated as to what happens (either here or PM). I care for you greatly and am still right here in the boat with you .

xoxoxox
Kelly