[Rapunzel]

My T wants me to think of something I could use to reward myself for progress as in not cutting. She didn't seem amused when I suggested that hurting myself some other way was my reward for not cutting. Even though it was something that doesn't really hurt.

The problem is, whatever I could give myself as a reward, I'll probably do if I want to anyway, or maybe give myself as consolation after cutting even. So what difference does it make if I tell myself that if I don't cut, I can have a piece of chocolate? I'll eat the chocolate anyway. Or I could tell myself I can have a bubble bath. Then I'll hold it against myself if I'm bad, and not take a bath, and punish myself both by not taking a bath, and for not taking a bath. A lot of the things that I might use as a reward are things I ought to be doing anyway.

Any ideas?

[wisewoman]

Hey Rap, DK, however, what has been helpful to me is a knowledge inside that when I am not hurting myself I am growing toward health and that is my reward. Don't know if that makes sense? It's like if I take my vits I feel like I am caring for myself. If I am not cutting my body I feel like I am caring for myself. Hope it makes at least a little sense.

[Rapunzel]

Which would be great if I weren't such a stinker with a rotten attitude about self-care. I resist taking care of myself. Sorry I'm such a stink-pot. I really appreciate your response even through my bad attitude though.

I kinda understand what you mean Rap. Its like cutting is self-punishment. So your deciding how to reward or not punish yourself. Its all so confusing. Im just trying to daily give myself some love. Whether i did perfect or not. So maybe instead of the reward thing, you can think of a good self-care thing to do for yourself every week?

[Fuzzybear]

It's tough I know I just wanted to give you a hug
((((((((((((((((((((Rap))))))))))))))))))))

[Zenobia]

You know what I use as a reward for me? I buy a magazine off the newstand at the grocery store. Generally I think that magazines are a total waste of money. 90 pages of ads and 20 pages of articles but I love reading them. I will get the Cooking Light mag or Oprah mag. Or if I am being really silly I will pick up the Weekly World News for the pictures of batboy. It is a totally frivolous expense that I could very well live with out but I enjoy. Another thing is fresh cut flowers. I love them but they are a waste of money. They die out in a few days. Again totally frivolous but I love them so they are true treat. Expensive soaps and lotions. Suave cost a couple bucks and does the job but isn't it fun to buy some expensive lotion that smells so inticing? Totally frivolous and not necessary but makes me feel rewarded.
Carrie

[Rapunzel]

(((((((Angela, Grace, Carrie))))))))))

Angela, would you be willing to ask me how I did each week? I think knowing that someone is going to ask for my report might make all the difference.

[SweetCrusader]

Wendy,

Yes I would be willing to ask you how you did each week if you think that would help you.

I'm in out of town right now, so I'm not around to chat, but when I am able to, I would like to talk about this in more depth ok?

*hugs*

[Rapunzel]

Well, I made it 6 weeks, but that felt wrong - too long, as well as I didn't feel like it really counted, since I was discounting less severe methods. Now I'm at 3 days.

Sorry

And, to take a line from somebody else's book here, it's all my fault. I didn't even have any good reasons for it.

Hugssssssssss for Rapunzel. I totally understand.. Feel free to let us know how your feeling.

esthersvirtue

[Zenobia]

I am thinking that using less severe methods should be celebrated! I know the goal is to be completely self injury free but it takes many small steps to get up to the top of the mountain. Changing your habits from severe to less severe is a good accomplishment. And suppose a year down the road something goes wrong and the urge comes over you? Now you have smaller options to get over the hump rather then always focusing on the big guns. You know what I mean. So many people come here and say how they have made it a year or 18 months and suddenly something really upsetting happened and they just can't seem to cope with it. All they think about is the big action because that is what they always used before. Now you have minor options too.
I will just shut up now. I just think you should be proud of yourself for the effort you have made to come this far on the journey.
Carrie

[Rapunzel]

Carrie,

I appreciate that a lot. I have mixed feelings, since going back to the more minor methods to me just means going back to where I was before deciding that using a blade was easier. At it's worst, I've never done very bad damage. But my tendency is either I'm trying to behave myself entirely, and eventually things build up to the point that I really want to cut, or I'm constantly scratching, head-banging, and doing smaller stuff over things that aren't even a big deal. And if I stop one method, I invent a new one. I'm a lost cause.

And now I've just messed up in replying to you by contradicting what you said, didn't I? I ought not to post this, but I think I will anyway. I just keep realizing how much more socially awkward I am than I ever even realized before. I must be really confusing to try to interact with. I'm so confused myself, and sometimes I think I should just go live in a cave somewhere. Sorry.
Wendy

You are fine, Wendy! You sound like a normal human being. We all have mixed feelings and emotions but I understand.... I have times that I am very aware of how I come off. You are always accepted here tho!

esthersvirtue

[Rapunzel]

Thanks Esther I'm feeling really self-conscious right now because of the letter I just got from my T. I'll be better after I have time to process it, I'm sure.

Wendy

[Zenobia]

Personally I don't believe that there is any such thing a person who is a lost cause. The darker it gets the brighter the epiphany. And you make perfectly good sense. I have been on that merry-go-round before...or is it the yo-yo? Black and White thinking, all or nothing. Sigh. And Confusion...Well I have given up making sense of it all in my life. Ha ha.
Carrie
Carrie