[jen29]

hi everyone,
It's been a while since I have posted. Things were really going good until the last couple of weeks. I have only been out of the hospital a little over a month and things are really bad. I had underwent ECT and was in the hospital for almost a month. Now things are getting bad again. Sometimes they start out just a little bit depressing, but now they have come full force. I want to hurt myself so bad. I go back to work tomorrow after not working for almost the entire summer. I took a month off in the begining to get myself better, then ended up in the hospital. Went back to work for a week then ended right back in the hospital again. This time for almost a month. Then ended up having to have surgery on my foot so another couple of weeks off. Now am going back and am excited to finally go back, I really need the money.
I just want to leave. My car is in the shop so have no way of just leaving. I have less than a dollar to my name right now. That won't get me any gas. So what do i do?
My friend wanted to call the cops last night because I was so suicidal. I kept telling her no, maybe things will be better in the morning. Well, it's the morning and am still here. My dad has control over all my medications. I am on about 12 of them. I want control back, but I don't think anyone will trust me, not even myself.
I want to take them all. Just got them all refilled and that would do it. I know it would. Just take them and then I would be free. What am I supposed to do? I can't live suicidal every minute of every day until I feel a relief. I don't want to cut anymore, it does nothing for me. I like to feel the hurt on the body, but the hurt inside is much worse. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't go back to the hospital because they will commit me. I don't want to do that again. I don't want to end up in a state hospital far from home. I can't lose my job, because if I end up in the hospital I know my job will still be there for me, but I will quit. They need to find someone more responsible and reliable than me anyway. They keep saying they need me back. What me do they want. The happy me that loved to work there. I am sure that is what they want. I just am not sure what to do.
Thanks for listening.

[darkrunner]

((((((((((((((((((jen)))))))))))))))))

i'm sorry it is such a struggle for you right now.

I don't have any great answers for you, but I just wanted to let you know I read your posts and you are not alone.

Keep posting, keep talking, and STAY SAFE.

Your life is important and YOU WOULD BE MISSED if you were gone.
You obviously have people who care for you and would be
deeply affected if you were to hurt yourself.

Sending peaceful thoughts and wishes to you,

ktgirl

[jen29]

Thanks,
I don't know what I am going to do yet. I did do a list of pros and cons of living. So far the cons outweigh the pros. I haven't made a true decision yet. I just don't have anyone to talk to. I mean I have friends, but I know they will call the police and then it's all over from then on. I will be committed and have no control over anything. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to alarm anyone.
I go back to work tomorrow, but don't think that has anything to do with the way I am feeling.
Well, guess I have to go now.
Take care and thanks everyone for listeneing.

[Sannah]

Jen, I'll bet that going back to work is making you feel this way...... How did work go?