[Kiya]

again. but this time i tried other things first. i tried to be in community... tried to see if my dr was available, tried to call my friend (who wasn't home)... didn't want to call the crisis line....and forgot that i had actually added a hotline link here specifically for si (not that I had it with me in the car...). So now I am going to try to find that number in here...bump it up... and put the number in my phone.

And to keep to my promise to report (and T is out of the country still) i shall have to report here... i think i'm allowed.... 14 this time. It's been a while since the last major time. And this time i actually could feel the projected pain in advance and knew that was not something that I would ultimately want nor would it help. But I felt i was out of options. So, I guess i am learning...?

[cantstopcrying]

(((((((((((Kiya))))))) You are doing a wonderful job of trying not to SI. To be asble to try the options first, in the midst of your urges....what great progress. I am sorry your were hurting so bad you had to...14 times

Thank you posting about this!

[Puffyprue]

((((((((((((kiya)))))))))))

[jacq10]

Kiya,
you ARE learning. And the learning process is not an easy thing... sometimes you will fall back to old patterns, but so long as you remain mindful of other optioins (in times of wanting to SI), you are re-training your brain to think, and that IS learning. I'm really proud of you for trying to do other things instead of going directly to SI'ing. Remember that we here are too a support for you, and sometimes I find that if I can come on here, and post to someone else, well it helps me too.
Hang in there,
Big hugs
Jacq

[Kiya]

((((((((((((((((((Can'tstopcyring, Prue, Jacq))))))))))))))))))
thanks.
it helps to have the reinforcement!
Prue - that was a perfect timing with the Rainbow Bright pic =)
Jacq - yeah I wish i'd been home and able to post... but i was in an empty parkinglot in the dark. I have since updated my phone so it has more resources now... for next time...

[sujunew]

((((((((((kiya))))))))))
Because SI is what we know, and is the form where we find most relief we go bak to it the easiest too. The fact that you were able to consciously go through your other options before SIing is huge. I wish you heaps of support each time this happens.
ps It's not back to square 1- all the thinking through and cognitive stuff shows how far you have come..

[phoenix7]

thats great that you went through all those other options and didnt go to SI first - thats progress and now you've put the phone number in your phone so you have more support - another good step - you fell down but you got up - that takes courage - dont beat yourself up about this - it happened - you are brave and smart and you can do better next time -

[Kiya]

(((((((((((((sujunew, P7))))))))))))))
thanks =) and many hugs back.
This has been a tough, challenging week with my SSDI (social security dissability) evals and stuff coming up... I'm going through so many emotions; from panic, to depression, to anxiety, to a blah so thick I can't get out of bed... to mania where I have been cutting, drinking, binging on sugar and chocolate.... I am all over the map right now. Counting the days till the first eval (4) and at least I believe T to be back in the country. I have to restrain myself from jumping on the phone to call her and tell her about this SSDI stuff.... but I am sure she's going through jet lag.
Meh! Thank you for your support!!!!!

[phoenix7]

I am glad your T will be back soon - things do get better - and im sure once your dates have gone by you will be able to breathe a sigh of relief! -

p.s., there is nothing wrong with chocolate it increases the level of endorphins in the blood and that of course is the only reason I eat so much of it!!LOL