[itsjustme111]

Hi, how is everyone? Well, long story so hope this makes sense.

Well, my doctors (have a new pdoc) had a bed for me. Well a different pdoc took it for his patient. So I am still at home. I did not come on as some of my posts have been not so great and did not want to cause more concern.

I have been seeing my new t and is going okay. I talked to my doctor two days ago and he said he is "on their case" to get me in. I am on the "emergent" list.

I have had a couple of nasty days. I had cut, scrubed my hands, wrists, arms with bleach, then burnt myself with a curling iron and a cigarette. This is the worst SI I have ever done to myself. I called my t on Friday and he made an appointment with me for Monday morning. He was going to call the cops on me last time, but that would have meant I would have been shipped off to the out of town facility. So I charmed my way out of that one. I told him that if I got to the point of "no return", I would go to the ER.

My skin is killing me with these burns. The cuts are on my wrist and when the bleach got at it: OUCH!! But I felt better after, feel like crud now just looking at this mess. I have to wear long sleeves so nobody see's what I have done. It's been hard to hide though. I can't put the burns into water without wanting to scream in agony. But I did it, now I have to deal with it.

Part of my diagnosis is severe depression with psychotic features. I have been experiencing hallutionations and delusions. My t and I have discussed this and he is concerned with the issue of these powerful urges to harm myself especially after an "episode". My bf and I are still together. I totally freaked out about 5 days ago. I heard banging on our front door, someone walking around making loud sounds in the house, heard whispering (child voice) then I thought someone started a fire downstairs. I started shaking, yelling, just totally lost it. My bf went downstairs (3am) and came back up to tell me nothing was downstairs. I sat on our bed rocking back and forth, crying uncontrollably. I begged him to go back down and look under everything, behind doors etc. He tried to calm me but I just kept rocking. I sat awake all night, staring at the door to our room.

Anyway, my doctor said Monday should be the day I would go. I did not tell him all of this as he does not understand this part of it. I will talk to my t on Monday about my recent war with the burning etc.

Sorry for the crappy stuff, wish I could tell u differently. I saw the post in kudo's: thanks all of you, means a great deal to me.

Justy

[itsjustme111]

Sorry, I did not realize that this would or could be a trigger. I am very sorry and I thank you Kimmydawn for changing this.

I hope I did not upset anyone, if so please give me hell.

I hope everyone is hanging in there. Be well, be safe, and hoping for some smiles.

Okay, sorry again. Thanks Ozzie. I should have realized that this was the place to post this. I will do that next time.

Justy

[nothemama8]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Justy}}}}}}}}}}}}}
We Love ya sweetie hang in there
Angie and the girls

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((((((((((((((( justy )))))))))))))))))))))))))

kd

[wisewoman]

Been worried about you dear. Glad you are swtill plugging away.

[ickydog2006]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It is comforting to know that you have a bf whose willing to stand by you through all of this. Somemtime thank him for alll he's helped you with. I hope you feel better soon.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((((((justy))))))))))))))))))

[SweetCrusader]

(((((justy)))))))

[Rapunzel]

(((((((((Justy)))))))))))

[Nerak]

((((((((((Justy))))))))))

[mortimer]

I hope they can fit you in soon. Please try to stay safe. *hug* I'll be thinking about you, you're in my prayers.

[itsjustme111]

Wow, everyone. Thanks so much for the wonderful hugs, they are welcomed from all of you.

I have my appointment with my t in the early am. I am relieved as I really need to talk about this. If I don' t hear from my doctor by late afternoon, I will give him a call.

Thanks again, I miss u all and will let u know what happens with all of this. The one thing I don't understand is the fact that my blood work had dropped and my doctor was fretting. Why would they not place me in a regular ward until one opens up in the psych. ward.

Anyway, talk later and take care all.

Justy

[silver_queen]

(((((((((((((((((Justy)))))))))))))))))) I have been thinking about you and wondering how you have been getting on. Good to read that although you're not in a good place, you're still hanging in there...

[ktp]

(((((((((((((((((Justy)))))))))))))))))))))))

Darling, you have been through so much pain. You dont deserve it. I hope they can get you in soon and that you start working on getting better. Take care of my friend

Kimberly.

[jetblackaura]

(((((Justy))))

take care, and you'll be in my thoughts.

Claire