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Hello everyone.

New to the site, after much internal debate and denial that nothing is wrong with me, I've finally decided I need help.

I'd like to give some background information before I lead to where I am today, so please bear with me as it might take a while to read. I am trying to provide as much detail as possible, especially origins and why I do certain things.

Before I start, I just want to say I know I am a horrible person, I know that karma will catch up with me, and I do occasionally cry from the bad things I do.

To begin, I am now in my early 30's, and I am getting married at the start of next year.

Growing up, I was always a small kid, and had hardly any confidence. I was short and skinny, and I was very shy, and even though at school I liked a lot of girls, I never spoke to them.

I kissed a girl once when i was 15, a random girl I wasn't attracted to at a party, then I didn't kiss another girl until i was 18, when I met my first girlfriend. She was the first girl I ever slept with, and it took a while. After 6 months of being together we ended up wanting to have sex with each other. I was very hard and when the time came to put on a condom, because i was so nervous I lost my erection and then anxiety and other issues stepped in. It ended up taking about 3-4 months of 'attempts' before I half-assed first slept with her.

I was loyal, very loyal to her, for the first year or so, before I realised it wasn't going anywhere, and I was getting older (I was now nearly 20, very old and fraile as you can imagine) and I started looking around at other girls and wanting to sleep with other girls. I played around with a few girls and I would always feel guilty afterwards.

I met my 2nd girlfriend around that time, to which I had broken up with my 1st girlfriend to be with.
My 2nd didn't know about her at all. Things were well for about a month while we were seeing each other, then I became her boyfriend after 1 month.
Within the next week everything changed, she started to treat me like a piece of furniture, like i was just there for when she was ready to give me attention. This of course, led to when we first attempted to sleep with each other, the same thing happened, i ended up getting too nervous to get an erection and then for the next 6 months while we were together, we never slept together once. Every time we went to bed (i stayed at her place once a week or so) she would always be too tired or have a headache. So i would lay in bed and think "ok cool, when we wake up we'll do it then" and she'd wake up and get out of bed straight away. I fell into a pretty deep depression, constantly looking at guys in the street and thinking to myself "they could ***** her, so why can't you?" As you can imagine, that didn't last much longer.
During the time with her, everytime she didnt' want to be with me I sought validation and acceptance from other girls, I think I slept with two other girls while with her.
And then about a year later, I found out the reason she went all weird and withdrawn was because she was cheating on me with a guy from my work. In my mind, it justified me sleeping with these two other girls.

Fast forward a few years later, and I finished a college degree. Started work, and by this stage I had slept with 6 girls. I was now in my mid 20's. I was starting to get ok with talking to girls, I could make some of them laugh, but I was still very nervous.

I finally met my 3rd girlfriend, the one I thought I would marry. Before we got together she had an overseas trip already planned. By this stage I was a bit more confident in myself saying to her "babe don't worry, I know you won't do anything or hurt me while you're overseas".
This girl was totally in love with me, would cry because she knew how my ex had treated me, ignored me and thought how could someone treat me that way. She'd always tell me she loved me and how happy she was and that she couldn't live without me. I was proud to have her as a girlfriend.
3 months later when she left for overseas I ended up sleeping with another girl that night she left for overseas. I never told her about this, so she never found out. I immediately felt sick in my stomach and vowed i would never cheat on her again.
That didn't last long, as i got a call from her a few weeks into her trip saying she had "fooled around" with someone on the trip.
I never believed her that that is all that happened. This is because when i first met her, we had slept together on the same night.
I tried to put it past me thinking "are you really going to throw away this potential amazing relationship because of a mistake?"
A week before she got back i was out with some friends and there was a girl at a bar i was talking to, i went back to her place to get my 'revenge' by sleeping with her.
We stayed together when she got back, but we fought a lot. She apologised and cried so many times, and I never confessed to what i did. To her I was the perfect boyfriend.
Over the next 6 months i started talking to other girls and ended up sleeping with another girl from my work a few times, who wasn't aware I had a girlfriend.
My current girlfriend stopped wanting to sleep with me, it was mainly because we'd argue about what she did overseas, and every time she didn't want to sleep with me i'd say "oh but its ok for you to go with someone else but your own boyfriend you dont want to sleep with?" Not a healthy relationship at all.
We would maybe sleep together once a week, maybe once a fortnight, and we'd stay with each other 3-4 nights a week. I was very sexually frustrated and very quickly fell back into depression.

I wanted her to want me, i wanted to walk into her house and for her to grab me and just show me how much she wanted to sleep with me. Never happened. We'd go out, and other friends would be talking about how they couldn't wait to get home to sleep with their partner, I'd laugh and say "haha yeah me too!" yet i'd go home knowing she'd want to go straight to sleep.

As the insecure kid i was, i started going to the gym a lot more, thinking to myself that if i had a good body, she wouldn't be able to resist me.

By now it had been about one to two years into that relationship, which was very unhealthy for me, I slowly began researching on the internet how to meet girls and talk to girls.

I was looking pretty fit, I started going out to clubs and bars a lot, and in actual fact, got VERY good at talking to women. I was confident, I was funny, charismatic, I looked after my appearance and made sure I was always putting my best self out there. While I was with her over the next few years I ended up sleeping with an additional 50 girls or so, while being in a relationship with her. I never told her, and she never found out about any of this.
At first i felt guilt, but then after about 5-10 girls I didn't even flinch anymore.

The reason I had stayed with her for so long was because I didn't have any confidence, I thought which other girls would want me. Clearly, quite a few.

We eventually broke up, and after a month or two, I began to get very happy for the first time in quite a few years.

During this time, towards the last few months is when I met my current partner I am with now.

We were friends with benefits as you would call it, for about a year or so, before I realised "yes, this is the girl i want to share my life with"

We have been together now for 3 years, and our sex life is still very strong, just as good if not better than when we first met.
During this time, about 1.5 years ago now, I slept with a girl I met on a dating site.

By the way, I'd like to add that all my above indiscretions, noone knows about. I kept it all on the low, and noone has ever found out about it.

And finally, we have come to my problem.

I just came seem to break away from this habit. Since 1.5 years ago, I haven't been with anyone else again. But so many temptations. I KNOW that there are girls now that want to be with me. At night at clubs and driving around I see these young little cute things in the streets with their mini skirts and high heels, showing off their calf muscles and little bums, just waiting for some big bad wolf to eat them up.

Lately I got back into contact with the girl I slept with 1.5 years ago, I messaged her to see if she was free, and she didn't reply till the end of the day. By this time I had masturbated and immediately lost my desire for her, so ended up cancelling on her when she said she was free.
And the last time we actually organised a time to meet up. She ended up getting sick, but if it wasn't for that, I would've met up with her and most likely slept with her.

And I don't want to. That's the thing, I actually DON'T WANT to cheat. But it just happens. And its crap. I don't want this to be a problem in my life.

I love my partner very much, and this is what else bothers me. People always say in general "if you love your partner you'd never cheat on them" or "if shes the right guy/girl you'd never be with anyone else".

I think that's bull**** to be honest.

I don't think there is ANYONE in the whole world, that would make you not want to be with anyone else. YOU could be with the most amazing and sexy blonde girl, and just go out and cheat on her with a brunette because its what you don't have, or aren't used to.

The reasons why I think i am like this is because of the following:

-Growing up, until i was in my mid twenties, i felt as if i'd "missed out" on a lot of fun and being with lots of girls etc.
-My partners that cheated on me, i thought to myself "well i'll cheat on them first"
-Just my love and lust of women in general. Beautiful, amazing, sexy, I could go on.
-Lack of self appreciation, respect and confidence, which led me to get validation and acceptance and feelings of being wanted and attractive to the opposite sex.

So yeah, I know I have desires, but I want to get over them. I don't mind being attracted to other girls, I just want to have that thought process or that commitment to just stop doing what I am doing.

I really don't want to lose what I have with my partner. I actually get scared every few weeks and i fall into these patterns thinking what will happen if she found out, and just makes me feel really depressed.

If you have made it this far, thank you for taking the time to read this. Any help/advice is appreciated.

[gayleggg]

Check out the website for Sex Addicts Anonymous and see if there are in meetings in Australia, if not they also have onling meetings. It's a great group of people fighting what you are. It's a 12-step based program and really helps a lot of people with sex addiction. It can be done. You can over come it. Even though it will be a lifelong battle. Seeing a counselor that understands sex addiction would be a good idea, too. I've been there. The longer you continue with less self-esteem you will have. I hope you can find some help and encouragement from my post.

[bmoe73]

I have had some of the same problems. I have been all the A's. AS, SA, and co-dependent relationships. For me...none of them helped much. But they may for you. Its truly taking it one day at a time. Ive seen a plethora of therapist. I was finally diagnosed with bipolar and borderline personality disorder. I have triggers...stress being the number one and spring that send me on a sex spree. When I first started taking antidepressants I lost most of my sexual desire. That was good. I wasnt trolling anymore. I go to dbt and I can call my therapist when my desires get to strong. Those things have helped me tremendously

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