Help with my Webcam sex addiction

Dear forum,

I'm not sure if any of you have been where I am before but I'm somewhat at a loss for what to do. Over the past 4 or so years, I have developed, what I consider a pretty serious webcam addiction and despite my best efforts, it seems as though it is bigger than me.

I grew up with a computer in the house and I suppose like most young kids, had a curiosity about porn. I looked it up, found magazines, pictures, etc. and honestly felt it was all pretty normal. That I don't have much of a problem with.

I suppose though that it wasn't until I was about 25 years old, when I fell in love with an Argentinian lady and had a two year long distance relationship, that I really turned to porn to get my 'rocks off' in what was lacking in physical contact. The relationship didn't last as I somehow got into a relationship with a lady that I lived in the same city as and had to end my dreams of love with this Argentinian girl. The relationship that I got into was totally destructive: we argued, fought, she abused drugs & I began to as well. We would often go months without sleeping together, and, during that time, I turned to porn, again, to make up for the intimacy I was missing.

Fast forward to when I finally got out of that relationship and I got an apartment by myself and began recovering from that relationship. I was lonely started to increase my 'addiction' and experimented with webcams...It was hot, got my blood going and made me feel some sense of connection and peace. Destructive? Yes.

Then, shortly after, I met a WONDERFUL lady. She was amazing and from the start but I was honestly nervous to get into a relationship with her because I felt like I needed to heal more. But, one thing led to another, we TOTALLY hit it off and were living together in a matter of months (I didn't want to let her slip away because of "some indescribably long period of healing that I needed to give myself"...it actually felt healing in and of itself.

We were intimate constantly, the sex was amazing & I was happy. I actually stopped masturbating for months...something I don't think I'd EVER done in my life. Then, she, being a human being, couldn't have sex ALL the time, and, I felt that I needed to satisfy myself, so, I turned back to webcams and it got more intense from there...

I would sneak away to the bathroom or wait for her to leave & go online trying to find anyone to fill the void. We would certainly still have sex and it was amazing ALL the time, but, it would happen less frequent.

Fast forward a couple of years - we had a wonderful relationship and I would sneak away roughly once a week, sometimes more, sometimes less, when she was sleeping and go online. Then, that moment came where we decided to get married! Honestly I couldn't have been happier. I did, however, have this dark spot on a personal level when it came to sex cams.

We went through a tricky period that she had some feminine issues and couldn't make love (herpes, candida, etc) and in this time my amount of sex-camming increased. I can only assume she knows that I was masturbating and looking at porn (almost nightly) but didn't know that I was paying for sex & online having interactions with other women.

I keep going through cycles where I delete my accounts but then start new ones...it seems like masturbation has become like my 'nightcap' or release from the stresses from the day & I'm really worried that if left untreated, it will slowly erode the intimacy of our marriage (something that I'm sure is happening on some level already...).

I don't really have money to pay for a psychologist & am kind of embarrassed to have a come clean with her about it (and fear that it might cause a major rift between us...). I'm REALLY hoping that I can work on myself enough so that it becomes a thing of the past.

Thank you for reading & sorry to rant...I felt as though it was important to express myself somewhere.

Best wishes to you all on all of your paths,

M.

Hello james.dean420: I'm sorry you have become caught up in this addiction. Over the period of time I have been here, I have replied to quite a few posts from new members who were struggling with internet porn addictions. So you are certainly not alone in this by any means. Of course, as you realize, therapy would be the typical way something like this would be addressed. So it's really unfortunate you are not in a position to be able to afford this. Perhaps you are already familiar with this. But here is a link to a website dealing with recovery from internet porn addiction. Perhaps it may be of some help:

About This Site | Your Brain On Porn

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

At any point, at any time, in a relationship, there is an opportunity to turn towards or turn away from your partner. Every time you use porn and webcams you are turning away from your partner for someone or something else. Turn away enough and the relationship fails.

Your partner can't have sex all the time for any number of reasons, so she is left to compete with porn which is always available and willing. Is there a way for you to attain intimacy and sexual release and turn towards your partner?

Would she:

- watch porn with you?
- masturbate you while wearing something sexy?
- read an erotic book together?
- give you oral sex to give you some release?
- would you masturbate in front of her, or with her laying beside you?
- could you masturbate with something of hers, or something that reminds you of her or a time when you were together that was awesome, something like a piece of lingerie or her undies?

Intimacy requires vulnerability. Porn is a disruption in this, because there is no balance of power. Only one person is vulnerable. In the above examples, you are each vulnerable, or you are at least turning your mind towards her.

Here is the next question... What are you doing to make her feel like the gift of her sex is valued? She's giving you of her body. What are you doing in return to make her feel valued?

Most of us men are more attuned to maintenance schedules outside of relationships. Change your oil every 3000 miles, tranny fluid every year, cut the lawn every Saturday. Most of us don't invest maintenance into our marriages.

Plan a fun night, a date night, a cuddle night, a sex night, and a girl movie night with blanket, wine and candles. Plan on doing 1-2 nights a week. Do this for a month, and work your way through the rotation, then repeat.

If there is a lot of something, it usually isn't worth much. Sex is cheap. Porn is cheaper. Intimacy isn't cheap, and you are trying to treat a lack of intimacy with more and more cheap porn. It won't fill the void.

You've got a good woman, one that wants to have a sexual life with you. You're lucky! I wish I had your problems! You're going to lose her, and then be stuck looking at cam girls wishing you had a real woman.

Try ALL of the things above for 2 months, be open, be vulnerable, give it an honest try, turn towards your wife, and the porn use will drop off on its own. It happened for you before, because you were growing in intimacy with your wife during that time. Here's the good news... There's no upper limit to intimacy, or the depths you can know your partner, so INTIMACY will never get boring.

When intimacy is good, sex is outstanding, and readily available. Intimate married couples average 200+ nights of sex a year! But it takes work.

QUIT thinking about stopping porn. START thinking about ways to be intimate with your wife, and just redirect those thoughts back to your marriage.

RDM

I think maybe I'd try diverting the money I would spend on the webcam sex addiction toward therapy and getting well? We do choose what to spend our money on; it's easy to say, "I can't help it, I walk past the liquor store and have to go in. . ." but the answer there can be, "don't walk past the liquor store". You can have a real relationship with your self and wife or the webcam ones. But you choose which to work at strengthening? You spent a long time strengthening the webcam one so now it will be harder to do the real but still possible if that's what you want.

I have had a terrible time with webcam girls on an online chat site I have a prt and after I am satisfied I close my account only to open a new one the next week. This cycle has continued for the last 2 years. My spouse and I are on thr brink of a divorce mostly due to her alcohol addiction that as destroyed our marriage Now I find myself really involved with 2 ladies on line and we message back and forth which cost more money 1.99 to 2.00 in prt and 1,2 credits to message .I am trying to realize the girls are only there for the money. I am really struggling with this

I completely understand that how it starts with me. At that time I didn't know it was illegal in my state to watch porn. I became addict when I start becoming curious and it ruin my life.

I'm so sorry to hear this, james.dean420 I agree that perhaps your money would be better spent on trying therapy rather than webcams. That way you'll get the help you need and you'll also spend less time watching porn, hopefully. Also, I think maybe you do need to discuss this with your girlfriend. Even without mentioning the porn, you can still say that you have some problems with intimacy and sex. Maybe she will be able to help somehow. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you

Does your wife know that you pay for porn and webcams-like really really know?

Great advice!I wish that I had thought about that!

you say that porn wasn't an issue until you got into relationships? luckily relationships are optional. in fact, i've not been in a romantic/sexual relationship before. coincidentally, I've quit porn years ago. I did not tell you to divorce.

Yeah, I'd just like to name that I struggle with the same thing. I don't have a relationship right now but I spend what I think is too much money on webcam sex chats. It's hard to quit. But I also know I cannot continue this way. I liked what someone else said about having a problem with intimacy though. I guess I look for the same thing in webcam sex chats and it's nowhere to be found there. So if anyone has any advice regarding that, it would be helpful to me, too.

if you are trying to find intimacy in webcam chats, like romance or etc, then you probably won't find it there; i agree.

if you want to find intimacy, you can probably put the money towards a more luxurious date night rather than webcam sessions.


some women take advantage of men's sexuality to make money, hence webcams. they aren't really doing it for intimacy as much as they are just taking advantage of you.

dating is less sexual, i feel. So women wouldn't be able to directly take advantage of your sexuality, while you will still get that feeling of intimacy, eh? Of course, intimacy probably means different things to different people.

I feel that intimacy is greatest when it's felt and returned by the partner. And I know a lot of women who get intimately excited about dating, but not so intimately excited about sex.

I would not say they are "taking advantage of men". Webcam chats are a service being offered that people can pay for (both men and women use webcam chats). When you pay for groceries, do you accuse the people working at the grocery store that they're taking advantage of you? No. It's a legitimate service, just like sex work.

of course grocery stores are taking advantage of me. I'm a consumer and they take advantage of the neighborhood's population to make a profit. grocery stores are a business. they take advantage of people's hunger. they aren't giving us groceries because they love us or want to be intimate with us. if we didn't need food, then the grocery stores would set up business elsewhere.

There are free resources out there. I've heard of SLAA, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. They might even have phone or online meetings if there aren't any in person meetings where you live. There might be other 12 step support groups for that, but you could start there, to maybe find others in recovery from this and learn from their experience.

Overnight, i realized that the grocery store example was probably a bit lacking and incomplete.

Some religious and legal societies incriminate prostitution. If a man engages in prostitution, he can get into legal trouble. This is especially true with child pornography and sexual exchanges with minors. Thus local sexual services are discouraged and scarce.

So some women, seeing the lack of local sex services, decide to sell such services through webcam; even though such services aren't legal and can get a man in legal trouble. I've read many articles about men arrested for engaging in sexual activities with minors and prostitutes.

thus, those women are taking advantage of a shortage of sex services in an area via providing the services online.

In a business sense, they are taking advantage. they are making use an opportunity to make money. And just like any other business, technically nothing is wrong with that.

On a side note, morally and legally, men like skibum801 and james could be endangered by the business, if those men are in a society that outlaws prostitution and have a strong sexuality.

It's like a man selling street drugs to women in his area. He takes advantage of their tendency to abuse substances, even though he knows that they can legally get in trouble for being associated with street drugs in certain situations.