Large collection of porn

I've been downloading XXX for 20 years and enjoy it very much. I've always had a very high libido and my Dr last year tested me and said my testosterone is higher than a teenager's. It's one of the only things I enjoy now and can do and it helps me forget about my problems. I have over 9TB from every pornstar on hard drives and DVDS that I've burned. This is just a confession and not really looking for any feedback. Nothing else helps me forget about my problems except for some music. I realize I'm a very odd person. I always wanted a regular life and it never happened. Haven't liked myself in 45 years because I became very sick and dysfunctional at 13.
Also, I took major risks in late 90s and used escorts and ran up my credit cards but it was the best time of my life. (I had several girlfriends but it never worked out because I could not talk and hold a conversation. I even saw a younger girl in a psych ward in 1991 and I had a great time with her.)

What happened to you at 13 years old? What diagnoses do you think you have vs. what you're actually diagnosed with?

You... saw her? What do you mean by that? Or were you briefly seeing her while you were on the psych ward together?

I've had this problem for as long as I remember. Only thing that's helped is the 12 steps