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  #1  
Old May 30, 2009, 02:32 PM
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salukigirl salukigirl is offline
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About 4 years ago I was in an abusive relationship. I didn't want to do a lot of the stuff he wanted but did it because I was afraid if I said no that he would hit me. So he basically ruined most of sex for me for the past several years.

Well I've felt much more comfortable with my current boyfriend and have been able to do things with him that, before, would cause me to start bawling my eyes out and not be able to stop thinking about him forcing me to do those things. So I thought that maybe I could handle something that every guy on the face of the earth seems to want to do (I think you all know what I mean). And every time any guy has asked me I didn't even give it a second thought. No under any circumstances. Well I thought, if I can open up around him as much as I have and feel so comfortable with him maybe I can try that too? So we tried and it took about 2 seconds for me to get triggered and start crying hysterically.

I feel really bad that I can't do certain things for him because they make me flip out and really wish they didn't. Will those feelings ever go away? I want to enjoy sex and not see it as a chore or as something scary. But it seems like any time I try to do something out of my comfort zone it just sends me into a spiral and makes me feel violated and horrible for a long time. Plus, now my boyfriend feels like he's done something wrong and keeps apologizing to me even though I told him it would be okay. I feel terrible.

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  #2  
Old May 31, 2009, 08:42 AM
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pachyderm pachyderm is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by salukigirl View Post
So I thought that maybe I could handle something that every guy on the face of the earth seems to want to do...
Not every one.
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  #3  
Old May 31, 2009, 05:42 PM
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FooZe FooZe is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by salukigirl View Post
So we tried and it took about 2 seconds for me to get triggered and start crying hysterically.
What's so is, you got triggered. From here (a safe distance away), that's no biggie: we all have our triggers, you're a lot more up-front about yours than I typically am about mine, and I admire you for it. It's also quite a compliment to your bf and the relationship you have with him that you'd even risk getting triggered the way you did. Sure, you couldn't predict for sure what would trigger you -- but you were willing to take the risk, you didn't respond with your customary "No under any circumstances" to him as you had with everybody else. He sounds kinda special to me.

If you'll pardon me for pointing this out, though: what you're adding to simply having been triggered, seems to be making it a lot harder on you:
Quote:
I feel really bad... Will those feelings ever go away? I want to enjoy sex and not see it as a chore or as something scary. But it seems like any time I try to do something out of my comfort zone it just sends me into a spiral and makes me feel violated and horrible for a long time. Plus, now my boyfriend feels like he's done something wrong and keeps apologizing to me even though I told him it would be okay. I feel terrible.
I'd recommend setting all that other stuff that you're adding aside, and just looking (from as close as you dare at the moment) at whatever came up for you when you got triggered. My take on it is that that's what's up for you to deal with ("process", as I like to call it), and looking stable and together for your bf is something of a luxury and a distraction.

That said, I do think it'll create more room for you to go through what you need to go through, if you can get your bf to see that it's really not about him, that he's not bad and wrong for having suggested whatever it was that turned out to trigger you, and (this might take some getting used to) that he did you a backhanded favor by (innocently, not maliciously) bringing up something that was there for you asking to be worked on anyway.
Thanks for this!
salukigirl
  #4  
Old May 31, 2009, 09:07 PM
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salukigirl salukigirl is offline
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He is pretty sweet. I didn't even have to say anything, he just could tell I was upset, stopped and then just held me for about 5-10 minutes until I stopped crying. Which was really surprising because I think any other guy I've been with, if that would have happened, all they would think about is "man, now I'm not gonna get any" and I'm really glad that he reacted that way to me triggering.

I've told him vague information about it but nothing specific because if I ever try to be specific I just start bawling my eyes out. He's told me several times since then how it meant a lot to him that I would even try it with knowing what the possible consequences are.

For the other stuff that used to trigger me, I've just had to talk myself through it telling myself that it's not like the last time and then, eventually, I get over it. But I hate having to do that during because I feel like I can't enjoy it because the whole time I'm talking to myself thinking "he's not forcing you or abusing you. it's fine". y'know? I just wish there was a way for me to get past those things without having to DO IT.
Thanks for this!
FooZe
  #5  
Old May 31, 2009, 11:03 PM
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FooZe FooZe is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by salukigirl View Post
He is pretty sweet. I didn't even have to say anything, he just could tell I was upset, stopped and then just held me for about 5-10 minutes until I stopped crying.... He's told me several times since then how it meant a lot to him that I would even try it with knowing what the possible consequences are.
A keeper, a keeper! lol

------------- Afterthought: -------------
Quote:
For the other stuff that used to trigger me, I've just had to talk myself through it telling myself that it's not like the last time and then, eventually, I get over it...
Any chance that, as you continue to do that, the upsets themselves and the process of clearing them up will become so familiar to you that you can breeze through them in seconds or milliseconds instead of hours and minutes? That would be sort of in line with my own experience, though most of my "incidents" haven't been as severe as what you just described, nor knocked me for as big a loop.

I could give you a specific example but it would take a bit of telling and would distract too much from this topic. PM me if you want to hear it, salukigirl. I'd expect it to be pretty non-triggering, btw.

Last edited by FooZe; May 31, 2009 at 11:19 PM. Reason: to add an afterthought
  #6  
Old Jun 02, 2009, 07:52 AM
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stormydaye stormydaye is offline
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Member Since: Jun 2009
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If you haven't told him everything, it might be a good time to start breaking it to him a little at a time...if he's a great as he sounds, he should be able to understand and be willing to ease into anything you're not comfortable with right now.

Healing is a life long process and having the right partner makes it seem like it is taking no time at all.

Hugs,
Stormy
Thanks for this!
salukigirl
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