[theotterone]

I wasn't sure if this should go here, or in the relationship forum, but since it deals with my marriage and the sexual aspect of it, I decided it may be most appropriate here...

I have been on anti-depressants over half my life. Right now I am on the worst one for killing sexual desire/drive, Paxil CR. I am also on cholesteral lowering medication, which can have the same effect.

D has been very patient with my lack of drive (as evidenced by us having two daughters). The problem I am having is not only the lack of drive, but the lack of emotional connection to D.

He made it clear to me earlier today that he is in need of sexual attention and would like that to happen tonight. I told him while I may not be able to do "everything" (we were emailing, and our locations at the time did not lend to being explicit, but he understood I meant sex between us) I would be happy to "help him out" and give him sexual attention tonight.

It's not like I am dreading it like a test or paying my taxes. It's just, since I feel I can not be emotionally connected or vulnerable with D (the risk to me is just too great), I have no desire to have sex with him. As bad as it sounds, I would rather masterbate if I really got the urge. (No emotional risk to me and that is a BIG IF, it really doesn't happen for me).

Have I gotten that cold and frigid? Is it just the trust issue? I realize that when it comes to sexual relationships, (WARNING! GENERAL STATEMENT AHEAD!) men typically want/need sex to feel emotionally close and women want/need to feel emotionally close in order to want sex.

I guess I am just feeling bad about how I feel about the whole thing...

[crystalrose]

if u don't want sex then don't feel pressured. But if you want to try to hav sex then i suggest to take things slow and cuddle and kiss a lot as well as the sex acts. Because that will have you feeling cared for while your husband gets what he needs also. Maybe negotiate a sex act or position that you feel most comfortable in doing. Or an amount of time to have sex for. Guys resent it if they can't have sex but its still your choice and don't feel pressured to do anything. Remind him he has a hand if you really don't want to be sexual, while he gives himself a hand you could cuddle or kiss so he feels close to you.hope this has helped.

[Visioneer]

I have found the same thing in my past relationships; I consider my self to be fairly sexually dysfunctional for a few reasons, but sex is a lot more enjoyable, and you want it more, when you feel emotionally close. To achieve that closeness, it is important to spend intimate time together that *doesn't* involve sex on a regular basis. You're right, this does tend to be more important for women than for men. So the best thing you could do for now is to tell him exactly what your needs are. Is it that you are not making enough time for each other? Or the opposite - do you see so much of each other that things feel monotonous for one or both of you? Taking time away from each other can make time together more special. I'm sure you have heard the advice before, but especially since you have kids (I don't know how old they are so this may not apply) try to take one night a week to get a sitter and do something you both enjoy, which might mean sending the kids out for a night and being together at home.

The other part of intimacy that you mentioned is the trust issue. I don't know your background so I can't comment on it, but you might explore what exactly the lack of trust stems from. Does it come from a lack of openness between you? Did it start with a past betrayal? Is it as simple as feeling a lack of closeness?

I think in asking the questions you did in your post, you already have part of your answer. You know what you need to improve the situation (emotional intimacy), and that will require work on his part, as well as yours. He is being open and expressing his need for sexual attention. Maybe he doesn't realize that he isn't getting the sexual side of intimacy from you in part because you are not getting the emotional and non-sexual affectionate side of things from him. If your husband needs reassurance that you love him, give him that in whatever form you can. But he needs to respect your feelings as well, and show you in non-sexual ways that he loves you.

I hate the word "frigid", how it can make you feel like less of a woman or inadequate as a partner, and I understand how bad it can feel to not want to be sexual with a partner you love in other ways. I sometimes forget what it feels like to be a sexual being, and how important that is to others, just because it doesn't feel important to me at the time. Medication can be a killer to intimacy, with one partner withdrawing when needs are not met, and not meeting the needs of the other partner, who in turn feels less inclined to meet the needs of the other... it snowballs. Don't let it go on. Even if the sex part can't be solved right now, the intimacy part can be. Be open and ask him to work on a solution with you and everything else will fall into place.

For the sake of your relationship, is it possible to consider a different antidepressant? Have you tried Wellbutrin (which is sometimes prescribed for ADD as well) or Trazodone? They both have really low instance of sexual side effects, and in some cases they increase sex drive. I don't know how many meds you have tried, and which work for you and which don't, but it might be something to consider. When a medication improves one area of your life, but decreases the quality of other areas of your life, you sometimes have to make a decision on whether that particular drug is worth it. I can't answer that for you, I'm just saying I know how it feels because I've been through it.

Have you talked to your doctor about your loss of libido, and the idea that it might be caused by your cholesterol drug as well? I don't know much about cholesterol lowering drugs except that certain drugs (I don't know which one you are on) can lower your body's hormone levels. Is there anything else that the doctor has recommended to lower your cholesterol, such as change of diet? Is this medication a long-term solution, or a short-term one to get to target cholesterol levels before maintaining them with diet? If that is the case, there is time to work on the intimacy issues and be able to look forward to the time when you won't have to use that drug any more.

I hope you find a solution. In the mean time, don't beat your self up. You're not the first woman to go through this, you are not alone.

http://www.webmd.com/sexual-conditio...-drive-killers

I found that slideshow affirming and reassuring, maybe you will, too.

Good luck!