Need to understand something.

Hi,

I have worked a lot on myself and went from being a depressed person with constant panic attacks and anxiety, to being fairly happy, with very mild anxiety. Now, the most anxiety I feel is when I have to go out with family or friends; trips, clubs, etc. Living day to day activities don't come with anxiety anymore.

However, there is a problem that I am having which I can't get my head around. Because of my problems, I missed out on having normal relationships with men. I was sexually active from 6 to about 22 (I'm 46 now), then I just couldn't trust anyone anymore. I just shut down. The guys I was with were in these relationships for themselves. My perception of men and sex has been affected, and I just can't get around that, so that I can have a normal relationship with a nice man. So there is the sexual problems on top of the going out anxiety. Between the two, its like trying to drive a car with one foot on the gas and the other on the break. Its frustrating and deeply hurtful, especially watching other women around me date and form relationships.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to see a therapist, been there, done that. I just have this one problem to sort out and i think I can have a pretty good life. Its strange cause my self esteem is good, until it comes to relationships, then its totally shot. I am fat, ugly, a freak, when it comes to relationships. Its bizarre how a person can be well in one section of their lives and totally messed up in another.

Maybe its a sign that I am suppose to become a nun, seriously, I am very spiritual, I have wondered about joining once my parents die, so maybe this these fears are just warning signs that I am going in a direction I shouldn't. Maybe I am not meant to have love, sex, marriage in my life.

Anyway, that's it for now. I don't know what I want from this, some advice on how to deal with the anxiety of relationships...and i don't mean just a little bit of a nauseas tummy, but shaking, terrified, no sleep, vomitting, type of anxiety, at the idea of dating. Not to mention that I trance out a little when guys do show an interest in me. What do i do to get over this terror of starting new relationships?