[Tamale]

ok this is embarrassing to talk about...
Well, my bf and I have been together for about 3 years and we have enjoyed a very satisfying and fun sex life for most of that time...

but over the past, maybe, 6 months i have had basically NO libido whatsoever...it's not that i don't have him sexually attractive or that I don't want to have sex...it's that I literally feel numb below the waist

we had a brief period of success a few months ago when I started communicating better during our times of intimacy about what I wanted, and I'm willing to do that everytime but I can't tell him anything to do if I can't feel anything! now it's like I'm just asexual

Nothing turns me on, I have tried to look at women-friendly porn and I'm just like "ok" like it's some kind of medical illustration. I have tried reading women-friendly "sexy" stories and it just doesn't do it for me. I have tried fantasizing, but it's like I don't have sexuality. If I do luckily somehow get a little excited, my body doesn't respond and it doesn't really go anywhere. My bf has a VERY active sex drive and we are very attracted to each other but he is so patient with me and will not do anything if I don't want to.
Maybe it would help if I wasn't so exhausted all the time, or if I had more (read:any) physical activity but the depression makes it hard to do those things...I wonder if it's side affects from birth control...I almost feel like it's something more since I dont have ANY fantasies that I can come up with...
I dont like this, I want to be happy and healthy and sexually active. I'm only 23 and have a great, committed, relationship!
What can I do?

[Typo]

are you on any anti-depressents or other medications besides birth control? Many medications have a side effect of reducing someone's sex drive. Look at the list of side effects on your birth control it is very possible it could be a side effect of the birth control, if it is I would talk to you doctor about it.

[Tamale]

I'm not taking any other medication or anti-depressants (part of the reason that I don't wan to take medication if I was in a position to do so)
It may be a side affect of the birth control at least partially. I don't have any doctors to ask, really. I am going to a new place for my birth control in a month and maybe the person I see there will be helpful...it's kind of hit-or-miss with these free-clinic planned parenthood type of places. I'll do my best to ask.

But something makes me think it's more than that...would my sexual organs/self just SHUT DOWN totally? maybe it is just the birth control. I have a few weeks where I won't be taking it (starting tomorrow) until my new appt on Feb. 1 and so we'll see if I feel any different until then.

[AtreyuFreak]

I know this doesn't help you too much, but I just want you to know you're not alone! I have this same problem; I'm only 17, and most of the kids my age are "gettin' it on" regularly. I just have no libido; I am on anti-depressants, and a birth control pill (which was never for pregnancy prevention). My ex also had a very strong sex drive; the lack of sexual activity was actually the main reason we broke up. If you find any answers let me know, but all I can really offer is empathy if ok.

[Yoda]

Do you know how to pleasure yourself?

If you have found sensations/touches/toys that you like then show him what you like. Every woman is different in what they like. And I am different from day to day. Sometimes want a very gentle touch, other times more intense.

[Tamale]

That is another thing that bothers me...I have no interest in pleasuring myself. I used to do it a lot when I was very very young, like age 4 to age 14 (I think that's normal, but it's still a little weird to say). I never knew what it was, and no one ever told me.
I eventually figured out what I was doing was sexual.
When I got in high school, for some reason I felt like it was immature or inappropriate and I stopped and have never felt the urge. If I ever "give it a try" I just feel stupid and don't feel anything and stop...

[Amazonmom]

Any time I take a birth control pill, I become depressed and my sexual functioning goes to zero.

Off the pill I have a high sex drive and am not depressed all the time.

I have an IUD now and am putting it to good use (OK- TMI I know)

[bebop]

you said the magic word....depression....honey that will kill the libido in a heartbeat. you should really see a dr to get on some kind of meds for that and then everything else should start working again.

[Aquafara]

I would say it could totally be the birth control! I'm 24 and I was on it for a couple years. It seemed like as soon as I was on it, my want for sexual contact was gone... and even if I did want to be sexual, it was like my body didn't respond. Idk it's weird. When I went off it, I got my sexuality back. Sucks that I can't have sex now. I'm paranoid of getting pregnant, so luckily there are other things lol... but anyway, yeah. Antidepressants make it difficult too, but I've adjusted to that. Oh, and I definitely agree that being tired is counter to sexuality.

[sugahorse1]

I go through phases, but I know my AD killed my Libido

[Evening]

This might be meaningless input, but there was one thing that came to my head that might be at least part of the problem. Do think that perhaps some of the reason nothing is working for you is perhaps because you are 'forcing' yourself (for want of a better word, I hope you understand what I really mean) to find pleasure? What I mean is, if I can figure out how to explain it... you are stressing/worrying that nothing is working for you, you are getting frustrated that nothing seems to work for you. So when you go to do whatever, you are hoping and aiming to get some stimulation and pleasure, and you are so focused on that aspect that you aren't relaxing and in turn- nothing happens. So then when you 'fail' and gaining any pleasure it adds more stress and makes it even harder the next time. Perhaps because that thought of 'will I or won't I?' is stuck on your mind when you go to do anything sexual it is affecting the outcome, or lack of.

You said you tried looking at porn- I know that I went and looked at porn right now and said to myself I was going to try and get off, it wouldn't happen, because I am trying to make myself do something I'm just not that interested in doing and frustrating myself when what I am trying to get to doesn't happen.

Perhaps something happened to you just before this all started and each time you fail it builds that feeling of not wanting to and not getting anywhere when you try. Maybe if you don't aim for anything in particular, just let things happen if they do but don't have a goal of getting anywhere in particular, then maybe some feelings will start to build again.

Then again I may have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about...

[bananna215]

ur not on lexapro r u? I tried that particular antidepressant in my early 20s & it completely KILLED my libido! my boyfriend & I also had a very healthy sexual relationship... until lexapro stepped into the mix. not only did I have no desire for sex, I was completely empty inside & felt completely apathetic toward anything & everything. I would recommend looking into the side effects of what meds u may be on, if any, or just do some research on ur diagnosis itself... surely you'll find some kind of explaination! good luck!

[bananna215]

oops... I jumped the gun a lil earlier & totally skipped all of the prior posts that clearly state that ur not on anti-depressants... sorry! but I do have 2 agree with 1 of the earlier posts in that u need 2 learn 2 pleasure urself & all that jazz that follows & b able 2 relax b4 anyone else can give u any pleasure... it took me a long time b4 I ever actually could make myself relax & actually enjoy sex... & it really differs from person 2 person bc there's always an adjustment or 3 to be made lol

[sugahorse1]

Maybe try setting the mood for yourself when you are home alone. Candles and wine and bubble bath. If porn does help, have some nearby. What about reading erotic literature?
Once you have relaxed, aget to know yourself and what works for you. Allow your hands to wander, and allow your whole body to feel.

[Evening]

I agree that literature might work. Women are more emotional and men are more focused on visual when it comes to sex. A book (I'm totally thinking anything set in the Regency era - H-to-the-O-T) will give you more opportunity to set your own scene, take it slow, and really get caught in the emotional aspect of the story. And books tend to have more of a story line, other than 'heybabyletshavesexmanthatwasgreatIneedacigaretteImbeat'
like most pornography seems to be.

[sugahorse1]

Haha Evening - you got it spot on!