[divided self]

Social phobic/schizophrenic in a familiar environment with familiar people: Operates as a well-adjusted individual. This same person in the company of strangers seems to have a gift for pushing people’s buttons; they feel the need to attack in some way. The inability to socialize has resulted in a safe isolation, but I want to change it. I know a technique that will fix it, but it can’t be self-administered; and, since I created the technique, I need someone to train: How do you find someone when you can’t even approach/talk to people? This includes therapists: I look like a psycho when I’m talking to them. I know this at the time, but I can’t stop it, even with a greater part of me inwardly laughing at myself over the situation that this is the opposite of who I am!
If you try to explain this to a therapist (anyone, really), it is a backward slide from which there is no way out; or very difficult, anyway. My personality has managed to enflame mental health practitioners across the board; my ethnic community ostracizes me; I expect to be terminated from here: It is terrible! No medication or reviewing past traumas help (self or therapy), neither does the humor or self-mockery.
The latter actually comes from my auditory hallucinations. With the company of strangers comes an increasing flood of self-mocking jokes. Some of them are funny so you have to restrain from laughing or smiling, or risk offending people; eventually, I had to stop working as a holistic therapist because of this. As an observer, it would be funny but it is unbearable and I don’t know how to reverse it.
It takes hours to have the guts to post something here, or to reply to someone else; and this one was the hardest. How does one begin to change? Is it too shallow to want a loving sexual relationship with someone before I die, or this an unrealistic expectation given the above? (That I can't even make friends)
Thank you to anyone who reads this, I hope that someone can help.

[Fresia]

I struggle with BP. With my moods, temperament, and personality, I can be REALLY good at pushing people's buttons but have learned how not to unncessarily in order to create lasting frrendships and romantic relationships through DBT, dialectic behavior therapy. It is an intensive program that takes time but saved me, personally and professionaly with even immediate results in some areas before completing the entire program. I attended with someone with social phobic/schizophrenia and he was helped as well.

The DBT was just as important to me in moving forward as continuing with medication therapy to function and maintain relationships. I cannot go with out it.

It's enjoyable to find the right companion and have romance in your life. I think a lot of us are searching for this too, in this you are not alone. I know when I was isolated it prevented such a relationship from even being possible but taking the steps to get out there started to make things happen. I couldn't have done it w/o the therapy.

I think you are taking the first steps in reaching out at PC for encourgement and support and I applaud you for this.