Ask a Sexual Sadist

Good article. I don't think there is anything wrong with two adults who want to engage in BDSM activities. When men and women first started having sex I don't think it was completely consensual. There is probably a lot of hidden primal urges in most ppl for this type of sex:

Men enjoying the chase and conquer.
Women enjoying being chased and conquered.

BDSM brings copulation it to a higher level, alternating pain and pleasure with the sexual act. If done correctly, it can enhance sexual experience for both partners.

PLEASE NOTE: I cannot include links in this post this is a new account, and apparently new accounts cannot post links. Unfortunately, you will have to search for the web sites I talk about in my comment.

I'm here because I tracked the link back from my blog to this site. And the first thing I want to say is, to all the BDSM people who are writing here -- I am so sorry you have gone through what you have gone through. I totally understand your feelings of shame, anxiety, and pain. I was there myself, as you can see in the story that was linked.

Please, don't blame yourself, don't think that you're "broken", don't worry. There are plenty of other people in the world who are into BDSM. As long as you practice BDSM consensually with other BDSMers, there is no harm in it. If you feel that you need to talk to a counselor about BDSM, please consider finding a Kink Aware Professional who will understand what you are going through. If you Google for "Kink Aware Professional" then you will find the list hosted on the website for the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom.

To everyone who seems to be convinced that there must be something "wrong" with people who are into BDSM, or that "something must have happened" to make them that way: You're just wrong. Research has proved you wrong, and talking to people who are into BDSM should make you reconsider your stereotypes and the way you are hurting people by saying things like that. For more on this, you can Google "5 Sources of Assumptions And Stereotypes About S&M" and you will find what I have written on the topic.

Finally, in terms of the DSM: It is absurd and harmful that the DSM continues to include sexual sadism and sexual masochism as diagnoses. Homosexuality was also a diagnosis until gay activists made enough of a fuss that it was removed. Following in the footsteps of the gay rights movement, there are alt-sex activists who are also trying to have sexual sadism and sexual masochism removed from the DSM so that we can start having productive conversations about BDSM rather than shaming, stigmatizing ones. If you Google for "Kinky Is Not A Diagnosis" then you will find a press release that talks more about this.

If anyone has any further questions, I can be reached at [ clarisse.thorn at gmail dot com ].

Oh yes it can and it does. I've only been involved in one dominant/submissive relationship but let me tell you it was intense. Needless to say, I got out of it because I had other things going on that made it so I could not fully give myself to D/s relationship. But yes, when done correctly, it can be exciiting and it does enhance the sex.

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@ClarisseThorn

This is so cool

I love your writing, I love what you do, and it's awesome of you to stop by

Can anyone tell me why ...as a woman ...I am attracted to the dominance aspect of S&M...?? I honestly do not understand.If there isn't a twisted bit of this in my sexual encounters ...I don't feel alive...I have no idea how this originates in the psyche of a woman...and feel judgemental towards my self...yet it is there...why do we desire to be dominated....I dunno what it says about me?Is there a character flaw in me that I feel like this?Came back to add...consentually....Not the aspect where it is not consentual

I don't know that this even matters much, but just to keep it straight: you're talking here about wanting to be dominated rather than wanting to dominate, right?
Just a thought here: the "twisted" part sounds a little like you're apologizing to someone for feeling that way. If you don't mind my asking, does it also add something to the encounter for you? Perhaps as in, "Ooh, this is so much fun, it's really twisted!" -- or maybe, "If so-and-so could only see me now...!" I know that for me it's sometimes added to the excitement of a sexual encounter that somebody whose business it's not wouldn't approve.
I remember once upon a time looking for a suitable "map" of my psyche that would tell me how I ought to be feeling and how to get there from wherever I actually was. I now think the only way you'll get your question answered will be by continuing to notice what all this means to you and filling in the blank spaces on your map accordingly -- if you even want to bother with a map any more.
To me that's about the same as asking, "Should I be feeling differently from how I'm actually feeling?" Well if so then, (a.) who said so? and (b.) who decided to take their word for it?

I'm curious how Bridger will answer your questions.

Thank you fool zero ...I revisited the thread cause I was ashamed...lol...I was going to erase it if possible.But at the moment I felt ok to post it.When I saw your reply I felt not as bad.(Yes..."be dominated") ...(apologising for it..."yes again" society is very judgemental.)Yet it takes a good bit of "game" .....and intensity to "feel" as I am a bit ...I dunno the word.....like I have a degree of derealisation?...or Gah I dunno if its the right word.So it is difficult to be just "missionary" or otherly worded...atypical in my ...sexuality?...The question marks are there to denote the feeling of ...'I may not be able to word this correctly' The word twisted is due to being outside "societies" norm.(I don't care if "so n so" could see me now lol)...I just want passion ...I am a deeply feeling and passionate person...I dare say ...not necessarily wise...perse...yet intellectual....I guess due to that feature...and possibly my history...I need the psychological ...game?For instance if you asked me what type of movies I enjoy...my initial thought would be ...psychological thrillers...for the intellectual aspect,Or ...if asked...what am I drawn to?...I'd say examining the psyche...reasons for things being as they are...I absolutely am fascinated by human behavior..The structure and function of long ago eras such as rome...ect.....I am completely blond tho' cause ...I am a bit oblivious to alot.Yes...I suppose I wondered if there was a character flaw.......and I suppose I give alot of power away to what others think of me.~Wolfsong...BTW...I think bridger found a link to a waaay better site lol....view above post in reference to Clarisse Thorn

Bridger,

Thank you so much for this thread. I've only recently accepted that the relationship I want and would be most affirming to me is one that most people would consider sick and/or twisted. I am a submissive woman who was in a 3.5-year relationship with a man who introduced me to Adult Nurturing/Nursing Relationships, in addition to being my "Sir."

I derive great pleasure from serving, honoring, and obeying my partner in the context of a consenting "non-consensual" relationship. For me the D/s and ANR are about service and eroticism.

Our relationship ended poorly and I've been all over the map in trying to figure out what was abuse versus what was part of our D/s dynamic.

Except for my ex, all of my friends are vanilla. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about everything that has happened. I saw a link to the power and control wheel on another thread today. (I'm new, so I can't post links. For anyone who is interested, if you type power and control wheel into the search box, you will see a link to the post that has the link to the wheel.)

Reading the wheel and reading this thread are helping me to sort out what was what and to help me make peace with the fact that just because I'm submissive and like to be suckled doesn't mean I also have to be demeaned, as opposed to consensually dominated.

Thank you for sharing so much and thank you to you and everyone else on this thread for engaging in such a respectful and thoughtful dialogue.

Thanks for the post, Bridger. If you are still visiting the forums, how do you bring up the subject with the potential partner?

There are certain things/fetishes I'd like to do with a partner, but not sure when or how to bring it up with said partner.