Married, bi & frustrated

Hi everyone, I've been really sexually frustrated as of late. I'm hoping y'all will continue reading & offer advice. This is a serious & scary issue for me.

I'm so afraid of my husband somehow finding this, I don't think he will but this is an issue I haven't discussed with him & feel I need to ...

As it states in my user info, I am bisexual. Well, I'm married to a man, it's been just over a year and I'm finding myself incredibly craving women. I love my husband to death & would never cheat on him. I'm just finding it hard to rid myself of these sexual urges. I've been with women before, and don't get me wrong, it's not just a sexual thing for me. I've actually had relationships with men and women. I'm very emotionally motivated when it comes to making a connection with someone & take it very seriously. I am not sexually unfulfilled in my relationship, we communicate well & have a great connection.

I really hope I don't come across as some person who perpetuates any kind of negativity about bisexual people; this is something that's never happened to me before. I don't want anyone thinking that bi folk need to necessarily have both a man & a woman to be satisfied, that or it's all about sex, because for me, it's not. I've always been one person-minded when I'm in a relationship, only wanting to be with that person, thinking that it'll be the last person I'm with & being fine (if not thrilled, at least at the time until my hubby) with it. I love my husband so much and only want to be with him, but this is driving me absolutely bonkers.

Any thoughts?

Does your husband know of your past?

Yes, he knows & is completely accepting of it.

Considering you are afraid of your husband finding out I'm guessing you had to sway his fears at some point that you wouldn't at some point start craving for something that he had no way in providing?

I didn't expect this to happen so I never even felt an inkling to do so. Like I said, I'm a one gal/guy gal so I never imagined I'd feel this way. It's never been about sex for me, but it appears as though that's changed? I'm not sure.

I'm only afraid of him finding this because I have yet to discuss it with him. He'll be very understanding, I know, but I think this will scare him.

Well, I think all people in a relationship still like to look and think about what a yummy snack someone might be. I don't see that as a bad thing. It's not a sign of unfaithfulness to fantasize. But when there is a real craving that can't be fulfilled in a relationship, you're going to come up against problems eventually.

Hm... do you think it is the physical that you miss or the emotional connection to another woman?

I too would suggest thinking about what kind of need is going unmet by being with a man... The more specific you can get about what is "missing" the easier it is to fill that need.
Then... talk with your husband. I have heard many different "solutions" to this kind of need but they are so specific to the two people that are in the commited relationship.

Honestly? I think it's just physical. I'm really hoping it goes away or at least dissipates some because I think it's already on its way to being a problem.

That's really hard to say, exactly what I'm "missing" by being with a man. What kind of solutions are you talking about? If it's anything like threesomes or me fulfilling my needs elsewhere that's not going to happen. Both because I don't want it to & I know there's no way in HELL my hubby would be down with that.

Yeah, I don't think there is an easy solution to it. The options that I see on the table is on one hand to persevere. Maybe with enough willpower and determination that craving will subside. Maybe. I doubt it, but maybe. It depends. Maybe you can find the source of the reason why somewhere inside you. If there is a why. There doesn't have to be a reason, it might simply be part of your sexual orientation, a need. If there is a reason, you might be able to do something about it by addressing it. If there isn't, well, then you are going to have to decide what you fear more. Your husbands reaction to you opening up to him about what is going on inside you, or the rest of your life with this desire, unfulfilled.

Telling him, and seeing what comes of that, or not telling him, and going on as you have, and maybe finding a way to numb it with ice (masturbation, pornography, writing erotica, fantasizing while having sex with him, role playing, perhaps)... that's really all I see.

I'm going to discuss all of this with my therapist, unfortunately I have to wait two weeks before I see her again. I have to figure out how to tell him, perhaps I'm setting myself up for something that's not going to be as bad as I think. Or at least that's what I'm hoping. Because I can't go on like this, the silence is just making it worse on me.

As far as masturbating, fantasizing, etc., I've been doing that ... and I don't think it's helping. I've been extremely hypersexual the last week & trust me, it's all I've been doing. A friend of mine is worried that I may be manic, but I have no other symptoms. Anyway, yes, must discuss it. Must must must, before I do something I regret.

I was never attracted to women, but then I met the most amazing woman. WE started out as friends and next thing we landed up falling in love and having a relationship.
I'd been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years. I carried on with this affair for 6 months before my bf found out. I left my bf for this woman, and a few weeks down the line it frizzled out and I was left with nothing.
My boyfriend and I eventually got back together, and it's been over 18months now that we're back together. Our history is obviously a lot different, and I realise the mistake I made and how I hurt everyone. And not to mention the trust issue.
I do sometimes miss women, but know that this is the man I want to marry. Girl on girl porn is very stimulating for me, but I would never hurt my boyfriend the way I did. And he knows that I enjoy the girl on girl porn more than the normal porn. Other than that, I try not let my mind linger too much on the past, but rather enjoy who and what I have now.

What I prefer about women is the emotional connection, the understanding. I know some men can provide it too, but I think it's always on a different level

I'm also a bisexual woman in a monogamous marriage with a man.

He knows about my past, and before we got married we decided that we would be open to talking about some sort of open relationship if I needed that later. I didn't know what it would be like to go without women, but I've been with only my husband for five years now.

I dated bisexual married women (with their husband's permission) before I met my husband, and that was pretty drama free. They had happy lives and good marriages. But I know my husband would really prefer to stay monogamous if we can, so we have stayed that way--at least for now.

I'm not suggesting that you should change your relationship, especially since you said you are a one-partner type of person. Just know that plenty of women are in our situation and if monogamy with a man isn't something you can commit to there are solutions besides doing something you regret.

Bridger has some good ideas about how you can incorporate that part of your desires into your sex life with your husband (and with yourself) while staying monogamous. I know it's not the same, but it helps, and...I don't know...for me it helps just to be able to bring that part of myself into the relationship. I don't want to leave that part of me behind, even if I've left women behind. (Don't know if that makes sense or is relevant to you.)

It sounds like you are feeling really tempted right now and that sucks. Go talk to your husband. Yep, it's scary, but you already said you know it's the right thing to do. You can do it.

Yay for you for being aware of your feelings before you acted. You have nothing to feel bad about--having desires and fantasizing is not wrong. Hugs!