[MsBunny]

I have what I think is Homosexuality OCD. Where you become paranoid of being gay to an extent where you honestly can't tell anymore. During this, I have also had little worries about being transgendered but they were always very brief and I'd stop worrying about them after a few minutes.

Right at this moment, I feel exactly like a boy. All day I've been feeling unfeminine and more like a man than a women. I think that my voice is deep even though people tell me it's actually high pitched. I swear and tell dirty jokes like a boy. I have always been so shy but recently- even if it's just a bit- I've been talking to people more and have been more social. I even think that I look really butch. It doesn't matter what I do or what I tell myself, I can't stop thinking about this stuff.

I can get influenced very easily. For example, a few years ago I was watching Death Note and then I started getting into character as the main lead on a website. I thought in a boys voice and everything. But now I can't stop thinking in a boys voice and it's making more insane than I already am. I know I'm insane... but what can I do about this? I don't want to see a therapist and I can't even afford one, anyways. I don't want to be that person that has a deep voice or thinks like a boy. I don't want to be interested in other girls. I don't want to be non-social and weird. But it feels like it's too late to change anything now.

I recently started slacking on my homework a lot in school- and that's especially bad because I just started high school this year. Once I get a bad mark on anything though, I just expect it to be something permanent that will be there forever. That no matter what I do I can't make up for it and it will never change. I'm not sure if anyone understands me on that but that's another big problem I have.

Respond anyway you want to. Thanks for taking the time to read this and sorry that it was kind of long and disorganized.

[lynn P.]

Since this is interfering with your life then you should tell your doctor and therapist. Since you can get into character easy maybe you can use this in a positive way and do some acting in school plays or join a theater group. The more you pay attention to the thoughts the more they bother you, so notice they're there and let them be. Don't try to analyze or change them and eventually they'll calm down. Speak with your doctor and good luck for the rest of the school year. I have a daughter who started high school this year.

[MsBunny]

Originally Posted by lynn P.

Since this is interfering with your life then you should tell your doctor and therapist. Since you can get into character easy maybe you can use this in a positive way and do some acting in school plays or join a theater group. The more you pay attention to the thoughts the more they bother you, so notice they're there and let them be. Don't try to analyze or change them and eventually they'll calm down. Speak with your doctor and good luck for the rest of the school year. I have a daughter who started high school this year.

It feels like none of this bothers me. It's weird... I feel depressed about it and everything but it feels like I'm definitely a lesbian and I'm just trying to stay away from the fact. It feels like I like girls and I don't mind the thought of being one but I know that all of this did really bother me a few months ago. I want to feel worried about it again. Without the paranoia it feels like it's just denial. With the income my family has we couldn't afford to pay for any therapy and my family doctor is completely useless for anything. I have no idea how I feel about guys at this point and it feels like I' attracted to girls but I really don't know for sure. Thanks for your help- you must be really patient to be able to read my posts.

[notz]

I think you write really well for your age!

It sometimes takes years for your personal identity to develop. Allowing time to take your experiences, thoughts and feelings with you as you grow and mature is important. Give yourself time to absorb it all, no rush to make any decisions right now. Just breathe in who you are today. Take it one day at a time.

[MyUserName]

Hi MsBunny,

I suffer from hocd. For me, i have tried accepting that i am gay and i have tried to tell myself thats how it is, but for some reason it i just cant accept this. I have never felt physically attracted to any woman, sure i can tell when one is attractive, but the thought of being with someone of the same sex, it kinda disgusts me. I have got no problems with people who are gay, i know plenty of them, but i feel totally fustrated for the fact i have this fear in the back of my head that tells me i might be gay. I also fear that people think i am gay, and a different phobia that i have, does not mix well with that.

I think that in time you will discover i who you are. Deep down you will know what you are looking for and sometimes it may take a while to get there.
I have only the other week opened up about these thoughts that i have to my therapist. It has taken me years to do so. We havnt worked through things yet, but i am glad i have that weight lifted off my shoulders. I think it may be good to talk to someone who you can trust. I know that a friend of family member mightnt be the easiest of people to talk to, but if you can find someone to share your fears with, it will take a lot of pressure off you. Try not beat yourself up about how things are for you now, you will discover in time what direction you are headed.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by MsBunny

With the income my family has we couldn't afford to pay for any therapy and my family doctor is completely useless for anything.

Your school probably has a counsellor you could talk to.

I notice you are also worried about your grades. You could approach your counsellor with this. Tell her you are very stressed, helpless, hopeless, can't cope, is it normal? If you get a sympathetic response to that, you could move on to more sensitive issues.