[lastyearisblank]

As in verbally snapping at me. "Move here" "don't lie in that position" "your arm is in the wrong place...." It is so upsetting to me. I don't like being controlled and it kills the mood. How can I make him understand this? He says he is just frustrated and I'm taking it personally.

[Pandoren]

My first impulse is to say "don't give him any". If you allow him to get away with that, he's going to keep doing it, so best way is probably to nip it in the bud early. Unless you think he has some kind of social disorder where he can't express himself properly, there's no excuse for being an ***.

If he starts getting annoyed at you after a short time and tries to pressure you into having sex with him again, especially if he tries to blame you and coerce you by insulting you, you might need to re-evaluate your relationship.

Hopefully making him realise you are serious and him not getting what he wants will be enough to either convince him to try harder or else to show his true colours. If the sex isn't fulfilling to you because of this, don't just lie back and take it (no pun intended).

Of course, this is not my area of expertise, so hopefully someone else will come along soon with some more knowledgeable advice.

[lastyearisblank]

Thank you Pandoren- actually I think that is very knowledgeable advice. The reason I was so upset is that I could not tell if this is a communication issue (i.e. my boyfriend needs to learn some skills for saying what he wants without snapping), or there is some deeper dynamic at play that is only going to get worse. Both of us grew up in verbally abusive households. When I brought up this issue, indeed his first response was "you have serious issues misinterpreting people's tone of voice, you're too sensitive etc etc." Later on when we really got into talking about it, he admitted that he just wanted to push some blame on me so he didn't feel ashamed for getting mad at me. In the meantime though, I got very very upset. I am really worried, because I want to be able to work out this issue, but I'm not sure that my boyfriend has the sufficient self-awareness and self-control to really change. You are right that we might just need some time apart for now.

[Flooded]

or there is some deeper dynamic at play that is only going to get worse

That was my first thought.