[DevonMackenzie]

If I am transgendered, would I even need to be asking myself? Or would I just know...?

I feel very confused. These are peices I've put together to answer my own question.

All of my life, I've been a tomboy. I've known since I was a kid that I liked girls... When I was 7 or 8 I remember asking a friend to pretend that I was a boy while we were playing once... and she went to kiss me.

I eventually came out as being a lesbian and I always fell for straight girls. I always got the same answer... "If only you were a boy...blah blah blah"... Some girls just experiemented with me and then that was it.

I got asked if I was a boy or a girl once at a Taekwondo tournament when I was 12. I secretly really liked that but never told anyone. I often imagined myself as a boy, but I just thought it was because I was gay.

The only thing I wear that's feminine is a bra... and it's a sports bra. Sometimes I bind my chest down.

I'm an aspiring bodybuilder. I'm pretty muscular for a "girl" and I just want to get bigger. I've always been the best at everything I do, especially sports.

The tipping point for me was more recent feelings...Here comes the TMI!

My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years and since we've been together, I've been feeling a little different while having sex.
I can't seem to get aroused unless I'm thinking that I have a penis and we're having hetro sex. I don't let her touch me in a lesbian sort of way... I use my imagination a lot when we're intimate and I can have an orgasm only if I'm imagining that I'm male.
When I fantasize, I think about hetro sex and not lesbian.

I've brought this issue up to her, but only when I'm drinking. I feel so embarassed the next day. I feel so exposed. It's only since being with her that I've had these sexual issues. I've just thought of myself as a lesbian and that was it. I do wear make up and people tell me that I'm pretty and both men and women seem to find me attractive.

I don't know if this is related or not, but when I was 19, I became severely anorexic and just wanted to fade away. I never knew the exact reason behind my desire to die, but I always felt out of place. I attempted suicide a couple of times.

Any opinion would be appreciated.

Thanks for reading.

[Leed]

Well, since a 'transgender" is a person who identifies with a gender other than the one which he/she was born with, I guess you could call yourself a 'transgender." But why put a label on yourself?

So what if you're gay? There's nothing wrong with that. You're just as worthy & good as the next person. And if you have to visualize certain things in order to orgasm, so what? That happens to the best of us. LOL You don't HAVE to tell your partner. LOL

You are perfectly FINE just the way you are!! Just remember that God doesn't make junk. He loves you just the way He made you! Hugs, Lee

[Tenrou]

It's tough, but the only person who can put a name on your gende identity (in my opinion) is you. A lot of things you said I can relate to, such as being a tomboy, playing the 'boy' part in pretend games as a child, preferring my relationships to be identified as straight or gay because of how I felt (I'm bi, but when I only dated men I identified as gay, even though I was female-bodied). I only ever wore very tight sports bras myself until I could get my hands on a binding tank. I used to hate it when my partners would try to reciprocate in sexual situations because what I had didn't match with what I felt I should have.

As for whether you would even need to ask yourself, I never knew until I saw a documentary about male-to-female transsexuals at the age of twelve and wondered if that condition could go the other way, too. I was incredibly relieved when I found out that the documentary had named exactly what I felt, and that I wasn't alone.

And the fact is there's a pretty broad spectrum of gender identity under the 'transgender' label, from people who are comfortable with their birth bodies and simply prefer to present as another gender or androgynous to people who undergo full transition with surgeries and hormones, everything in between. I'm not planning to go all the way myself; I don't think it makes me any less of a man. But something that helped me in the beginning was recognizing my boundaries, such as what kind of pronouns I was most comfortable with, and how I wanted to be seen by the world at large. Trying to dig deep and get the full answers about yourself, while difficult, is one of the first big steps in my opinion. Also finding a counselor who is open to gender diversity and won't try to 'fix' what's not broken, and focus more on trying to help you thrive however you need to. There might be a GLBT-friendly or focused counseling center in your town; if there is and you're able, I'd give them a ring.

I don't mean for this to sound like a lecture, being so long. Best of luck.

[Pandoren]

To make things more complicated, you might want to look up "autoandrophilia", which describes when someone of a female body imagines themselves male when engaging in sexual acts (the reverse being "autogynophilia"). I expect this is more common than people discuss without being transgender- I guess it is the whole thing that needs to be considered but I thought I'd throw that in the mix.

[Shibo]

I'm an FTM transgender, and there's really no way too say for me to diagnose you.
But ask yourself this: are you feeling like a man in a woman's body or just a curious tomboy?
Only you can say for yourself, not even a shrink can say yeah you are or nah you are not. They can only do things based on what you think and feel.
Hope I was of some help.

[DevonMackenzie]

Thank you for all of your replies, it means a lot that you took the time to read and offer your opinions.

I'm not sure how I feel right now. How do I know what being a woman feels like, or being a man feels like? I feel like me and whatever that is, I don't like it. Sexually, I hate being intimate and having my body touched in a lesbian way.

I have other lesbian friends who are also involved in the fitness community who have posters of women who they want to look like... I have pictures of male bodybuilders and I think female bodybuilders aren't attractive at all... I idolize males, not women. I want my body to look male not female. I hate my chest but I like the way my face looks, I think I'm fairly attractive. Sorry if that sounds cocky... :/

I just don't think I would be able to go through the entire transition. I'd love to have my chest removed but bottom surgrey... I don't know. I hate having a vagina but I'm afraid of surgeries. If I'm not willing to do that, then maybe I'm not actually transgendered and I just have "autoandrophilia" like Pandoren said.

I think I should start seeing a professional and maybe get some more insight...even though I know I'm the only one who knows what's going on, I think I might just need help realising it. Having opinions from other FTMs really helps, so thank you so much. <3

[Pandoren]

Not all transgendered people want to surgically transition! The feeling of hatred or wrongness about your own body is called "dysphoria" and in different transpeople this level of dysphoria can be different. Some people know they are transgender but don't feel any particular discomfort toward their own bodies and may be content with being respected as their internal gender (through pronoun/name changes, or appearance changes such as clothing, hair style etc) without feeling the need to radically change what they were born with. Others despise their external shell so much they'll do anything to make it "right".

Perhaps it might be worth thinking about it in a "magic button" way... If you could press a magic button that would change your body, would you do it? No surgery involved, just magic. Some trans people would change their bodies if it were possible to do so, but are afraid of surgery, or have a fear of disappointment with the end result, can't afford it, or any number of reasons.

As I've said before, transgender =/= transsexual. Anyone who has a different mental gender to their physical sex is transgender, but a transsexual is someone who is, wants to, intends to or has physically transitioned. Not all transsexuals successfully complete the transition.

~Edit- http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=224745 This big load of waffle that I wrote a while ago might explain dysphoria and transitioning a bit better...

[BDPpartner]

The best thing i can say is there are some fabulous therapists out there and some who deal only with transgender issues, they would probably be your best course of action. But perhaps also try a transgender forum, talking to others about their journey may also help you add some perspective to your feelings sending you lots of positive thoughts x

[siempre nada]

It's important to remember that you don't need to label yourself with a gender, there are many people who fall somewhere in between. Also if you would like to have your chest removed that's fine. If you don't want to undergo genital surgery that's also fine. But in terms of sexual relations with your girlfriend the genitals seem to be a point of concern for you. Have you considered using a strap on with her? Perhaps that can allow you to achieve arousal and release without undergoing surgical changes.

[xxnoxynoxxnoxy]

Hi. You are great. That's exactly how I feel, except from the other direction. It sounds like you would really benefit from hormone therapy. I'd suggest you try to get your gf into treating you like a dude in bed. In your place that would make me really happy.