What Triggers a Girl's Sexual Attraction Mechanism?

After talking with a few people on this forum and being advised to treat a girl more like a person and not a sex object.. here are more questions that puzzle me:

Is it just guys like me that feel "aroused" and "hard" during a date we really are turned on by? Does the girl ever feel similar feelings but just suppresses them because society tells her to?

Is a girl's sexual arousal state only triggered after you fully trust us and let us into your private space in that way? If so then is there a correlation between trust and a woman's sexual triggers? Why then does trust not matter to me as a guy before letting you go to bed with me?

Do you as a girl ever get that "he is really making me wet" type of feeling that similarly a guy is feeling just from the sight of you? If so then what about him triggers that? voice? body? hair? cologne? a certain touch? what exactly causes you to sleep with THAT guy and throw another guy in the friends category?

I know our biologies are VERY different and you just touching our leg will make us aroused.. so how then can we turn the tables and finally give you what you want.. give you that deep sense of sexual euphoria?
For guys its obvious.. there are visual cues that turn us on.. but for guys also having those organs on the outside makes them prone to constant stimulation and triggers. Is it because girls have them on the inside that it is sooooo hard to relate to Our level of sexual triggering?

I'd love to hear from experienced woman who have been there and can really relate to the "feelings" and "triggers" I hope to learn about Sorry I missed this chapter in biology..haha

Hi anthony 81 - seems by your various threads you're looking to understand yourself and women more. I think this thread in better in the Sexuality forum since not everyone is comfortable talking about this subject. Attraction and chemistry is different for everyone...so what's appealing to one might be a turn off to another. To answer your last question - no..the fact that we're built different isn't the reason. Yes self control is important. When you think you're getting to the point of intimacy - ask the woman what pleases her. For couples who live together ....foreplay starts long before the clothes are off - things like kindness, being helpful are turn ons too. You asked on another thread...how come men can easily have sex even if they're not emotionally intimate? This is one big difference unless a woman is a prostitute who acts lol. Men can have sex without things being emotionally intimate but most women can't. Men can also have sex when they're super stressed or upset but women usually can't. Sex is very emotionally linked for most of us. I haven't read this book but it seems this is a good book or ask in the mens forum what books are good. You'll have the best chance if you figure out what your partner likes and please her - pleasing her will make her happy and hopefully you'll reap the benefits in return.

http://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-Firs.../dp/0060538252

Thanks so much.. that book looks fascinating and informative!
I will start reading it

Most of the book seems to focus on once the girl is Already in bed with you.

But what makes some girls hot for One guy so much that they sleep with him right out of the club on the first night... while other guys they will string along for months before taking it further?

So the hard part seems to be 'triggering' them to "want" to have sex with you in the first place.

That's a hard question to answer and I suppose its chemistry. I know things like that happen but do you really want a girl who has one night stands? You should consider a Life Coach and ask for an honest opinion about your looks and approach tactics - maybe you're doing something you don't realize.

Others have mentioned you may seem a bit too anxious and that may be the problem. On a 1st date - I think its best to focus on getting to know the lady and being friendly instead of focusing on the end result.

Spend time getting to know a woman. I think that girls who "sleep with him right out of the club on the first night" may be influenced by alcohol/drugs, both of which have a disinhibiting effect. Of course, things are different if you are looking for a relationship. Build a positive relationship with someone first, then gradually move towards sexual contact. When there is an emotional bond, then those triggers will be there.

And keep reading more about relationships. They really are about more than just sex. And I have read your other posts. You might consider looking at some of the pornography addiction literature. Viewing that material at such a young age might have impaired your perception of what real realtionships are all about. In general, they do not happen with the pizza guy showing up at the door and then somebody whipping off their clothing. Best to you..

Yes I agree with regretful - just perfecting sexual performance is only part of a successful relationship. Learn how to relate emotionally to a woman and how to be a good partner. Also agree viewing porn definitely affects how a person views sexuality. Real life is way more complex than just a sexual act.

Also, Anthony81, you should know that males, generally speaking, are much more visual when it comes to attraction than females are. This is not to say that personal appearance is not important, but in many studies of human adult sexuality, men and women respond differently to visual sexual imagery. For a scholarly article about this, see http://www.psych.ucsb.edu/~roney/oth...ngs/hamann.pdf

But I think you are looking for a more simplified reply, no? If so, then go with the relationship first method. In the long run, it will be more fulfilling than the 15 minutes or so of the one night stand. Just my opinion...Best to you.

I'm just tired of girls instantly categorizing guys into these convenient box descriptions like "just a friend", and "creeper" as soon as we meet them, but then drooling over someone like Richard Gere or Brad Pitt and probably jumping Right into bed with them instantly without hesitation!

Let's say they are not actors, for arguments sake. I think the same outcome would occur. Girls will likely sleep with them but the nice guy trying to talk to them at the mall will be just another "creeper" they make fun of with their friends.

So what is it about Those two men that makes them so appealing? I'd love to know what a woman really feels and thinks when she sees a guy like that vs. the guy talking to her at the mall who she will never get with.

What are some "triggers" that occur? a feeling of security? a feeling of intense passion? a feeling you should have him because all the other girls want him?

Something that I find to be a turn-on is a guy that doesn't put on a fake BS act to impress me. These "nice guys"... they're usually not all that nice. They're nice in a manipulative way. They think that if you put enough kindness coins into a woman, she'll be obligated to reciprocate, likely through sex. Essentially, these "nice guys" tend to have a sense of entitlement. "I'm nice to you, therefore, you owe me." They're not just nice for the sake of being nice. It isn't who they are. It's cold and calculated.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that women all want a guy that's a massive jerk. What I am saying is that women tend to be attracted to a man where what you see is what you get. There's no act. He likes what he likes, and he is who he is. He isn't going to pretend to be interested in the same things as you for the sake of making a fake connection. He isn't desperate for your attention, he isn't going to text you 20 times in 5 minutes if he calls you and you don't pick up.

These nice guys do themselves a disservice of becoming a doormat. They absorb the interests of the girl, essentially going out of there way to become everything that they think the girl wants, and the girl likely notices that. However, most girls don't want someone to go out of their way to be perfect for them. Most girls don't even know what they want to begin with, haha. That being said, we want someone who is just REAL. No masks, no acting.

It's hard to say that in seeing your other posts, because on a personal level, I feel like it's hard to tell you to just be "you" when that isn't working for you. However, in this situation, give a girl a chance to get to know the real "you" on an emotional basis FIRST. Talk to her about your interests, and ask her about hers. Leave anything bedroom-related out of it. Learn to socialize before you sexualize. The more you get to know women outside of the bedroom, the easier it's going to be for you to be yourself while meeting someone. I know you said you don't like bars, but they're an alright place to start if you're just talking. Don't go out of your way to compliment these women or touch them. Just talk to them. If bars don't work, try things on meetup.com, maybe singles groups or something like that.

Its all hard to describe.

I know you say socialize with the girl not sexualize. but then I find myself becoming a girl and talking to her about girl stuff. I start sounding like the character from Valley Girl and ask her about her shoes, talking about feelings, yoga, how I can't stand men, etc. and at that point I'm convinced she's thrown me into the 'gay' basket

How can I be a guy with her when I dont hang with guys and feel uncomfortable around them? I don't really know how to be a 'guy' really and looks are part of this.. looking like justin bieber will not trigger her to think of richard gere

What I'm talking about doesn't involve you acting like a 'girl' or a 'guy' or anything like that. Be YOU! Talk about whatever you want to talk about, just talk. Talk to a girl without any intention of asking her out or sleeping with her. This isn't about what she thinks of you, this is a way of building your confidence in yourself as well as your socialization skills around women, especially focusing on things like body language.

The worst thing that can happen is that you can make an extra female friend that can provide extra guidance regarding meeting women! She might even hook you up with a few of her friends.

Trust and security are a BIG thing for me and I suspect for a lot of other females.

Biologically, I think this makes sense -- for a female to reproduce there is a lot more time and commitment involved with pregnancy, gestation, birth, and care of an infant. Socially, the consequences of sex are also far more greater and a female is more likely to be stuck with the care of an infant on their own than a male. I think this is why females are a little more programed to be cautious when it comes to sex.

It's not that I don't think women can just get turned on by men the way men are turned on by women. I just think that the "turn off" of a guy who hasn't yet proven their trustworthiness is enough to smother their sexual drive when thrust in a position where they have to make a choice whether or not to have sex with someone.

My personal experience: I feel as though in some ways I have a stronger sex drive than my boyfriend because I can go several days in a row wanting it when my boyfriend tends to get a lot more "sex'd out" than me. I look at porn on my own time and I have no issue being turned on by these strangers.

However, my strong sex drive can still vanish within seconds when I suddenly feel an inkle of 'distrust.' This generally happens in scenarios where my boyfriend may perceive me as trying to blame him for little "wrongs" that I created, such as when I explained to him one morning that I felt uncomfortable knowing I agreed to have **** for the first time only when I was wasted drunk. I told him that I wasn't angry, just that it made me uncomfortable and I wanted him to avoid having sex with me if I'm too hammered to think about what I'm doing (I only asked if he had a condom on 20 minutes into sex.) Unfortunately, he interpreted this as me blaming him or being unrealistically emotional about my sexual demands.

I don't really distrust my boyfriend, to say. I understand that this feeling is irrational and illogical, and likely make no sense to any guy. But how can I be expected to think rationally about something as irrational as sexual attraction? I think sexual attraction and security are two instincts that are tied very closely with a lot of chicks.

If you think about it, you never chose what turns you on (or off). Neither did women! The worst thing you can do to a chick is treat her like it's her fault because she asks for a feeling of security. Furthermore, don't take it as her trying to blame you because she is trying to explain her personal need to feel safe.

I'm reading about Adult Attachment Theory and think I may have it.

When a child is turbulently separated from a mother at a young age and there is no real substitute for her afterwards, he develops a yearning for motherly affection all his life.

In my case maybe that has spilled into the dating game.

For most of you who responded to my threads you seem to be taken aback that I would be so affectionate on a first date.. it scares the girl and so on..

But when you live your days yearning for that female closeness and comfort I can't help but at least try to get a hug out of the girl.

If the girl did not have similar feelings of loss as I do then she cannot relate and naturally gets turned off by my overaffection.

So I am told to change, be less available, get to know the girl, etc... but is it really so hard for her to just stop and give me a big hug and kiss? a gentle hand holding and caress? If she cannot understand my attachment needs now how will she understand them later when its time to live together?

Well as a guy I may be the odd man out but that sense of comfort and security is a driver for me too!

So when she doesnt give me that hug on the first date or doesnt want to hold each other, I feel hurt and confused by her brushoff.

She is brushing me off because her trust in me is not high enough yet, even though I have developed enough trust in her to want to cuddle right away.

A similar social dynamic occurs when I am quick to ask a girl's number at the park because I am trusting and open with her, while she is hesitant and not quite there with me.

I dont know I guess I assume since I yearn for that female closeness that she conversely will just easily reciprocate that in the same timeframe, and the delay in closeness can be hurtful to a guy like me who needs to feel safe & secure in her "female" arms.

The problem I am seeing here is your are trying very hard to box all women into one category, which is the only common category is that they are all women. Every woman is different, in general every person is different. What may turn one woman may turn one woman completely off. There isn't just one answer for women in general same way there isn't one answer for men in general.

For me yes I have to trust a man before I can be involved with them emotinally or sexually, I had to trust my boyfriend before I could be sexually involved with him. It is a lot different for women in that we have to think about the potiental of pregnancy. That is a really scary thing, especially if you don't have a partner to trust and be with you if it was to happen.

Women do get turned on and have sexual arousal just like men do, it just isn't as noticable because biologically it is different.

The biggest thing, as I have stated in a previous post to one of your topics, is to get to know a girl as a person and individual, and from there you will learn more about whatever person you are interested in. No two people are alike, and everyone has different interest, starting from common interest is a good way to start even on a sexual ground

They're rich and famous.

Im sorry if my answers seem vague but there are a lot of variables - humans are highly complex and sexual attraction is something that has been studied through the ages. I think having chemistry with a person is half the battle - if you click with someone on an intellectual level, things such as sexual attraction can develop quite easily. Hope ive been of some help.

I will have to agree with bb, the chemistry or that iof attraction HAS to be there, BUT it has to be for me physical and intellectual level as well, BUT again for me personality is everything! I like a man who has a sense of humor and is confident, THAT confidence idk why makes me feel connected and protected, to that man, there is sooo many avenues here, so anthony what r u looking for exactly, having sex or a relationship? Ive read some of your posts, very entertaining I might add but i think your using your brain to figure this thing out way to much, and half the battle is going out and meeting women, talking to them and being yourself and having some fun!!!! Nice meeting you

Hi Anthony81 - this is a great question, so thanks for asking it and I have been avidly reading the replies. I am a 34 year old guy who has been wondering about this exact same thing for years. I always get bitter about dates etc, and yes - part of that is because I don't think I'm very good at them. The other part is, it always feels like I am a puppet on the end of the females string - I constantly yearn and ache for female intimacy. This reveales itself mentally and physically on dates - it gets hard to conceal and I hate having to. I get embarrassed and tongue tied on dates, and the vicious circle continues.
I have often wondered what would happen if I could meet the female equivalent of me. I don't personally believe she exists but I am always hopeful. I have been on quite a lot of dates over the last 3 years - very few have been successful and 9 out of 10 have ended up with me in a really quite uncontrollable and embarrassing state of arousal being told 'goodnight' or 'i will call you soon' by a woman who obviously isn't in the same state.. I really hate dates! The last one I had I begged her to come back to my place for 'just a hj if nothing else'.... I know! Its mortifying. And out of character, but I was fed up And for the record, she said no. Of course.
Thanks again for asking a great question and you're not on your own here mate.