[cmh141]

I love my boyfriend very much. He's the first person who knows so much about me and I feel like I can go to him with anything. I feel very comfortable in his presence, we have so much fun together...

There are a multitude of issues however.

We met online. During this time, it was clear we were only planning on having a casual sexual affair, of an intense nature. He wanted to control, I wanted to submit. In the beginning it was very violent and degrading, and I felt horrible about myself. I had no sense of self preservation and felt empty. I didn't care if I was killed in the process. I only felt like I was worth something if I was being used. He was seeing other girls at the time, I was not seeing anyone other than him. Eventually, though, we started actually getting to know one another. We talked a lot about why were are the way we are, what we really want in life, our past, etc...We still struggle with our sexual tendencies but it's upsetting for both of us and we're trying very hard to respect each other. He cares for me, I care for him. Every now and then we slip up and he'll start degrading me again. Now though, because I've started to build up my self esteem, it's hard to hear those names and to be hit...but I still struggle with my submissiveness so I tend to give in. He knows that and he feels horrible every time.

The other issue: Because of the nature of our relationship in the very beginning, I didn't tell anyone what was going on. I would lie about my whereabouts and so on...eventually my friends started catching on to my bruises and late nights, so I told them I had been seeing someone. I tried explaining how it was consensual, but they still don't believe me. I take the blame for that though- there were nights I wouldn't be able to keep from sobbing after a very intense, sometimes nonconsensual session. So my friends don't believe that I actually want to be with this person.

My boyfriend doesn't know my friends hate him, and so he's never met them due to their unwillingness. He feels like this isn't a real relationship because he's not involved in my life...the other thing is, he's 8 years older than me so I feel like, even if my friends were willing to meet him, they would be uncomfortable with that fact. My parents know I'm seeing him but they don't know his age. If they did, I don't think they would approve.

I don't know what to do. I really really care for this person and we've been through a heck of a lot together. We're trying very hard to help each other pull change our behavior, and we've made a TON of progress. But I feel like, despite my feelings, this won't work. I've tried breaking up with him once but obviously we're still together. I just wish everyone could accept how I feel about him and not worry.

What should I do??? Advice would be lovely.

[Travelinglady]

You won't want to hear this advice, but my gut response is, "No." The relationship began with a common desire for an unusual sexual relationship. You say yourself that it got to be more than you felt comfortable with. But you know he does have these tendencies and that's why he got involved with you in the first place. I don't think he will ever want to have a typical relationship, in my opinion.

I say, "Move on. And learn a lesson." You don't need to be degraded. And I agree, there are other factors that are going against the relationship, too. Like the age difference. It does matter. As we get older, we are even less likely to change, for one thing. I suspect, even if he denies it, that he likes young women because he does feel more powerful than them. One day I wouldn't be surprised if he's not brought up on rape charges. Why would a woman allow any man to treat her that way? I suggest you go into therapy to work some more on your self-esteem issues. You deserve better.

[Ladyzero]

Quick reply, as so tired and just read your thread as I'm in bed and sleepy.
Walk away ! Why be there as and be used, demoralised and treated like a @@@. Get real ! I don't care how much you THINK you love this person.
It's not love. It's control, abuse and sorry, but DOOR MAT is not tattoed on your forehead.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by cmh141

eventually my friends started catching on to my bruises

I just wish everyone could accept how I feel about him and not worry.

I have reread your post and am now unclear of its intention. Do you have a question about whether to stay in the r/s, as per the title, or about acceptance by friends and family, as per the bold part?

If the issue is acceptance, then you need to tone down the BDSM part to avoid bruises. Your friends are not going to accept the bruises matter-of-factly unless they are all, uniformly, en masse, into stuff that is much more intense than yours. It does not sound to be the case.

Plus, if you worry about friends and family's accepting something as minor as an 8-yr age difference (8, not 28, right?), then it is crystal clear that friends and family will not accept something as major as bruises. They will continue to worry until your bruises disappear. And they will be well within their right to do so.

[hamster-bamster]

There is a forum on self injury. Browse it to find out how people hide their scars. Yourissue with needing to hide bruises is essentially the same.

[bighands]

Originally Posted by cmh141

there were nights I wouldn't be able to keep from sobbing after a very intense, sometimes nonconsensual session. So my friends don't believe that I actually want to be with this person.

Cmh, there are issues here that are far too complex to handle solely on a message board. You need help to define what this relationship is, why you ever wanted it and why you continue to want it. But in short, if ANYTHING was ever done nonconsensually like you say, then you need to get away from this person and seek help. Of course you would be sobbing after that. And your friends are correct to not like that.

[JLarissaDragon]

I am not into BDSM. When I have sex I want to be loved gently and treasured. Having said that I do not have much perspective, but there is one red flag that I noticed. Some of your abuse was nonconsensual. As you gained self esteem, it seemed that it had less attraction for you. Can it be that you really want attention and are willing to take it from anyone who gives it to you, negative or otherwise? It sounds like your relationship on him is on the verge of turning dangerous. You must ask yourself if that is what you want for a life time.

[adam_k]

Originally Posted by JLarissaDragon

I am not into BDSM. When I have sex I want to be loved gently and treasured. Having said that I do not have much perspective, but there is one red flag that I noticed. Some of your abuse was nonconsensual. As you gained self esteem, it seemed that it had less attraction for you. Can it be that you really want attention and are willing to take it from anyone who gives it to you, negative or otherwise? It sounds like your relationship on him is on the verge of turning dangerous. You must ask yourself if that is what you want for a life time.

I agree with this. It sounds like you don't know how to like yourself and you are putting yourself in a position for someone to want you, even if you have to put up with horrible things happening to you. From my experience BDSM is about trust in your partner. To push you to the edge but be in control. That you both are willing participants exploring each other and getting pleasure from the experience. To explore what your limit is. There is pain, but it feels good in a way. It is a consensual expierence of pain, love, trust and sex all rolled into one thing.

It sounds like the guy is guy is to plainly put it, is beating and raping you for his own pleasure. I don't think anyone would feel good after going through that. I could also see how this behavior would feed the self-hatred and self-harming as well. For someone who used to self harm in the past, I could see the things that would push me to be in that position, but it wouldn't be healthy. I think you should stick with therapy. If your current one doesn't help, look for someone who deals with self harm, risk taking behavior and esteem issues. It sounds like there is a part of you that wants a normal healthy relationship, and to be loved, cared for and admired.

[Harley47]

I agree with Jllarissa.

Your friends are right to not like him...if we're being honest, I haven't met either of you, and I don't like him! I do understand BDSM play (well, to an extent), and I understand that might, on occasion, come with the territory, depending on your level of involvement/what was done/whathaveyou (though it still seems...off. Intuition tells me that what you're describing is outside what could be considered part of play, but that's my gut). But he loses my faintest glimmer of understanding with you mentioning sobbing and "nonconsenual" times.

Cmh, listen to me. A guy who loves you doesn't leave you sobbing, and a basic human being doesn't impose "nonconsenual times" on someone else. Sex is, in its only healthy form, consenual, always. For him to EVER do that to you is very simply rape. I do hope I am thoroughly misunderstanding you there...but based on what you said, that is what I gathered.

Please, do correct me if I have misinterpreted anything, as I don't want to offer advice derived from a poor understanding. But as it is now, I highly advise you don't stay in the relationship. You deserve to be loved and cherished. Based on what you have said, that is not something he has given you. I am glad he has improved, really, I am...but I don't think the foundation of your relationship is conducive to your long term happiness.

Please know if I can do anything for you, I am only a PM away. Please take care, and know you're in my prayers.

Hugs,
Harley

[jerigoli]

GET OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP before something deadly occurs...you need only look and listen to the story of Jody Arias and see how she was willing to accept her partners controlling and debasing sexual wants...so she could feel "wanted". Your partner does not want a loving relationship, he wants simply a sexual punching bag...Don't think twice or ask if he will get better...he will not..for your safety, move on.!