[doorag29]

Hello, I am an 18 year old male who is currently dealing with some issues. For a little background, I am still in high school and I would say I am somewhat troubled. I have started smoking a lot of weed this year, and although I didn't start using it as an escape, that is what it has ended up becoming. There are two things in my life that I am particularly insecure about. One of them is my sexuality, and this stems from me getting caught looking at gay porn by my friends while I was in Middle School. Although I do still look at gay porn occasionally, and regardless of what you may think, I do not consider myself gay and my homosexual feelings have never gone beyond an internet fantasy. Even with having this knowledge of my sexuality now, my insecurity has not gone away because I believe that my friends think that I am gay, and this bothers me. I also get extremely paranoid that my friends tell other people about what happened, and I am pretty sure that most people would not understand this and automatically label me. I am also insecure about the way I lost my virginity. I did it with a girl who had a lot of problems and who was a pathological liar, but she was still someone who I connected with on an emotional level and I had a very strong attraction to her. The relationship I had with her moved very fast, as I only knew her for a few days on a vacation, but I had never connected and opened up with person like this before. The fact that she was pretty much emo, I was 17 and she was 14, and that she apparently two timed me in the time I knew her(I believed her originally when she lied but I don't believe her anymore) have made me very insecure about this situation. My friends are also aware of this situation. Well the other night I was at a party and I saw one of my friends talking to another person that I am friendly with but not necessarily friends with, and I didn't think anything of it at first. But they happened to be talking pretty loud, and what I heard from the conversation was that they were talking about catching me watching gay porn and the one I was friendly with asking my friend if I was gay. I also heard the kid I was friendly with ask the other one if I had done anything with a girl or anything, and he said yeah something with a freshman. At first I thought alright, this stuff in my life is common knowledge and my friends have betrayed my trust. But after thinking about it, I started to believe that I may have imagined these people saying this stuff, seeing as how it happened to be the two things I am most insecure about being said about me in a small period of time. I am sorry about writing this long paragraph, but I'm starting to think that I am crazy and I need someone to help me, so any help from someone who has been through something relatively similar would be greatly appreciated.

[hamster-bamster]

You might have imagined, or they might have said it for real, but even if you imagined, that alone does not make you crazy. You are very worried about those two things and very insecure, and understandably so, and there is no shame in imagining, and not enough to call you "crazy". If you do not imagine things in non-sexual parts of your life, I would not worry about your being "crazy".

I have never been in the situation so I cannot help at all, but I just wanted to point it that there is no evidence that you are "crazy".

[hamster-bamster]

I also wanted to mention that HS can be a very cruel environment, and mixing with all the same people, all exactly the same age, etc., with no options and no way out, can be pretty horrible - but once you get to college, things will let better and you will get a clean slate and will mix with new people

You need to overlook others behavior and follow yourself.
There is nothing wrong with you and those who make it big deal are actually at fault.

[wistful]

I would see a psychologist to heal your insecurities. I would also talk openly with those around you (about looking at homosexuality) because it's normal to take an interest in knowing more about what all the hoopla is about - afterall, what men and women are doing with the same sex is outwardly showing their inner psychological issues and adding to them.

[Trippin2.0]

Why don't you just ask your friend if you overheard accurately?

That way you know whether you do or don't need to worry about your mental state?

[Big Mama]

firstly I am a big chicken, I would never admit to looking at gay pron even if it is something I do. The world is far top curel for that.

secoundly I am not bothered by female w/ female pron, and I am female. Not gay but married to a man. Just something of interest to watch. I also watch guys w/ girls.

third, you seem very concerned about the opinions of others. Paying so much attention and anticipating something bad to be said can lead you to believe things where said when they really were not. I agree why not just ask, "Hey did I hear you right" problem solved. Being of the personality type that I have, very nonconfrontational, I myself would never ask that though. But that would be the best option.