Sex is blahh, why want my brain let it be good?

I am having issues w/ sex after rape. I have been working w/ the T some on this and I just don't get it and I am not so sure she does to. I also put this in survivors of abuse to, because I am not real sure where it goes. Here is what is going on:

I am so confused when it comes to sex. I don't know what to feel. I don't even know if I know how to feel. When my H and I have sex my body cooperates and it is as if my brain and my body are in a battle to make sure my brain wins and sex sucks. I stand there like a knot and I don;t know what to do when my H touches me. Where do my hands go, what am I supposed to do. I can feel the beginnings of pleasant sensations, but then it is like my brain says "no, no don't go there." My body says yes do, it is ok. My brain says no don't. As things progress and we move into greater intimate things my body enjoys for a minute and then it is like an alarm goes off and says stop. Then I can't enjoy the process that is about to unfold because I am to busy telling my brain but it is OK, it is good. I want this to happen. Nothing pleasurable happens and I have to tell my H to stop what ever he is trying to do to help things along because it just ain't workin. The harder I try the more of a failure it appears to be. Then we end up having sex that has no sensations and very little meaning.

Does this happen to anyone else, or do you have any idea what I can do to combat that. It has given me performance anxiety to boot. If things don't happen to me then my H feels bad. If we have to much preplaning then I start to freak out sometimes. If we waited for me to be forward and want to do it, it would be a very long wait for my H.

I want to like it I do. I get that it is important to my H and to men in general to have sex and feel loved and that confirms ones love for them. Though us ladies have to have confirmation first and sex next.

I know that details are missing about exactly what kind of sexual things are taking place. I can fill in those blanks. But some time to much info is not really helpful.

I think that the fastest route may be through getting a little helping hand from mind-altering substances, for a good reason - they are MIND altering. Your body behaves right, and it is your BRAIN that misbehaves, so to the extent that you can alter how your brain reacts and let the body speak up and go forward, you will be OK.

Hamster, I am interested in what kind of mind altering things you are speaking of. The T has suggested alcohol. But after several 9 lb kids the ole bladder is not what it once was. W/in 20 min of consuming fluids guess who has to potty. We have decided that yummy wine coolers and such contain to much fluid maybe. I told H to stop by the ABC store and pick up my favorite beverage. Then I can consume low volume high potency. That is the next step.

H is not so sure about doing his intoxicated wife, or having his wife have to drink prior to having sex w/ him. That idea holds little appeal. But of course being the man that he is, the outcome and positive affect of such things might just be worth the mind altering attempts.

I would love to hear of some other options. Thanks for responding.

I'm no expert on this, my ex has a similar problem. Someone I met years ago who was sort of going through the same suggested cannabis.

It worked for her and eventually her brain cooperated and she could enjoy sex without having to smoke. For my ex it was a little different, it did seem to work a little however she could never orgasm.

psychocalipso thank you for that info. Just don't know what to do here and feel kinda stuck. Thanks for responding.

I personally suggest cannabis edibles. I do not smoke and smoking damages our lungs so I won't try smoking and cannot speak of differences, but from what I have heard, smoking has a more immediate effect and edibles have more diffused, slower, and long lasting effect, which is exactly what you need. I feel that this route should be tried and it would be faster than therapy.

Is that legal. Just askin. I know the kind you smoke is not. But when you start getting into herbs and supplements, things change sometimes. I really need to talk to my herbalist. Very interesting. If that is legal that sounds like just the answer for me. Not forever just until I learn how to be truely present and not scared to death.

It is per state. Let me check your state. the laws on medicinal cannabis and recreational cannabis vary by state.

Unfortunately, in VA only cancer and glaucoma are valid reasons for a prescription. I am sorry. It would very likely help since it does things that otherwise take lots of practice. E.g. it immediately relaxes the body into deep relaxation - without any DBT-type work on my part. I am sorry this is not a solution, presently.

oh well thanks for checkin. We live in the pot capitol of our state, but I am not willing to go illegal just for good sex. H will just have to be happy w/ what he gets.

Not sure if you are into it or he is, but have you thought about tying him up? Maybe know you have all of the power will let your brain stay there and feel in control. Just a thought. Kind of kinky, but lots of people do it.

Or maybe start smaller. Maybe instead of full out sex maybe you let him use his hand to give you an orgasm, or maybe put your hand on top of his to show him how.

Possible oral sex. I don't know at what point you start to zone out and not be there, but I would think if you start working on it and focusing on what it feels like,and you feel safe you may get better at enjoying sex.

I hope you can find a way to work things out. Sex is a wonderful thing, and is difficult when it is not happening between two people who care for eachother and at least one of them wants sex. Keep your spirits up. You can make this better.

As soon as I start to feel sensation of any kind my brain turns off. Half way threw him touching me I think what the hell is goin on. My frekin head lights are on, Go off, Go off. I can't think of a way to say that w/ out using words that I don't know if they are so much allowed here. I hope you get my drift.

As for oral, yeah we try, he tries, and most of the time nothing. The T has suggested drinking wine coolers or something to knock the nervous edge off. I tried and nothing happened. The T said I didn't drink enough then. The equivalent of one beer must no do the trick. Some times it is lack of knowledge on his part, but I don't think it is all his fault. If you can make it happen once, I would think you could make it happen again at another time. It is hit and miss and I thin it is partly because I go away.

I can't make "O" happen if he is watching, or helping. Alone it is not a problem. But with him watching it just is not possible. So it is most likely an issue w/ my brain. If my body is cooperating Why do I stop it. If it is cooperating my brain should leave well enough alone and let the fun begin. My brain will just not cooperate.

Okay, I have never had your problem, but I have an idea. Probably useless, but I'll throw it out there. What about you taking charge? Whether just straight up or as a roleplay where you are in charge of everything. Might bring out some different feelings.

Nope. I am not taking charge or being the aggressive one. I I do not want to have sex, I am trying to like it. The T says there is no reward, (no O ) so there is not much to like. I dissociate and try to stay present w/ no luck. It is frustrating to me to have thing to start to be pleasant and once my brain realizes what is happening then It turns off. I can't stop it and turn it back on, or change the direction of my thinking.

So parts of me are not broken. O is achievable alone. But not w/ others around and certinly not w/ help from my H.

My husband and I have been married for 30 years and sex for us involves me using my finger to do myself. He just isn't great at knowing how to get me there.

I remember one encounter years ago where we just laid side by side doing ourselves. Maybe I'm weird, but it was a real turn on for me. He felt awkward masturbating in front of me which made me appreciate his willingness to be open with me.

Maybe you could start by letting him watch you masturbate without having sex after. If the room were dark or he were just peeking around the corner?

I don't know. I hope you can find a way. It's worth fighting for.

I'm just going to throw this assumption of mine out there.

Do you think is possible that you might not be achieving the O with him because you feel pressured? I mean, if you can when you're alone. Why not with him?

And I'm afraid I most insist if you're willing try cannabis. Perhaps a friend of a friend of a friend you know smokes. I can only speak for myself, sex while high, well, it's amazing. Specially the foreplay, which is what us girls enjoy the most. Alcohol is not exactly a good stimulant I think.

totally true, that could be very much part of the issue. I am very much pressured by myself and my H as well. Some times it just don't happen and I am good w/ that. It is not something you can force really.

Well I wish pot were an option. T said she would never encourage drug use, but ..... what ever I wanted to do. It would definitely help but it is illegal. She said just hold out till it becomes legal. or find another alternative which is ????? . Who knows what. I can't hole out for years waiting for it to be legal and I'm not so sure that choosing illegal in the name of good sex is even remotely a good excuse.

I am not sure that "excuse" is the right word. "excuse" is something you need to cover yourself when you want to do something that is "wrong".

Illegal or legal in the case of cannabis are formalities that depend on individual state. The bad thing about illegal pot is that using it can give you trouble with the law, and the ONLY reason I do not recommend illegal pot is out of concern for your overall wellbeing - you do not want to get in trouble with the law, and your not wanting to get in trouble with the law outweights your desire to experience hedonistic sex. But there is nothing morally wrong with it so "excuse" is not the right word. You are choosing not to do illegal things because you want safety for yourself and security of having their mother out of prison for your children. One of my midwives taught childbirth classes and did not practice midwifery back when midwifery was illegal in California because she did not want to jeopardize her family's security (that of her husband and children) and purely for that reason. There is nothing morally wrong in practicing midwifery or using pot for removing sexual inhibitions, but if midwifery or pot use happen to be illegal - well, then you do other things because you want safety.

Shouldn't be like that. Sex is something to be enjoyed by both partners. Perhaps a long talk with the husband is in order. At the end of the day it's not about him, it's abou you.

How are you both in the romantic department? Is he sweet and loving to you during sex? I mean, that stuff plays a big part in how a woman reacts and feels.

I'm not very familiar with the laws of each state. I'm not American, how illegal is pot where you guys live?

Just curious :P I'm no pothead, I do smoke every now and then and I get it from friends, so it's no big deal to me.

It varies by state from totally illegal to totally legal and Virginia where Big Mama lives has legalized medicinal cannabis only for use in glaucoma and cancer patients.
You can do web searches to find out how the laws differ by state.

You are asking about "American" - federal law criminalizes pot broadly, and there is a conflict between state and federal laws in the states that allow some or all use of pot. It is probably way more than you ever want to know about the weird American federalism while not being an American.

Hehe actually I find the whole "each state having it's own laws" quite interesting. We don't have that here in Venezuela. Well, we don't really have any kind of law here -_- but that's beside the point.

I find the US quite fascinating

Your are right Hamster, I was just thinking if I got pulled over for speeding and an officer found the pot and asked "What is that for", I do not see the correct answer being oh it is for my sex drive.

If it were legal I might actually give it a try.

Psycho there is a long standing history of abuse(verbal and emotional) from my H, Things have gotten better w/ marriage T. There has also been rape in my past. I am having a difficult time with sex. And my H has told me he cannot stay in a sexless marriage forever. Well it is not sexless, just lacking in wanting and enjoying of sex. The T told him she understood and that that was a valid reason to want out. I really hope that was just confirmation of his frustration, not a true agreement that lack of good sex is a reason to divorce. I have come to far to let lack of great sex be the straw that breaks the camels back.

((((Mama)))) trust takes time. It is a vital part of the equation. You are working so hard healing from past abuse. You and H are just beginning to really communicate properly. You have a history of him emotionally and verbally abusing you. Not to mention degrading you and using his strength and height to "block" and scare you.

That said IMHO you are being wayyyy too hard on yourself. He has to realize his behavior and actions in the past vs. now, although so much improved, are just the beginning. You have to be able to trust the man.

He has to earn your trust by his deeds and words. Every single day. Building trust and a safe place for you extends far beyond the bedroom....sweeping things under the rug, temporary fix.

Honey, you honor you. The major trust issues (for a damn good reason) ... time is the best drug there is. And also boosting your self confidence, self esteem and trust in yourself will most certainly be of great benefit to you. You have to think of yourself and go at your own pace.

Please try to be more gentle and kind to yourself. You are worth it

Thank you
rose, I don't know weather to be happy or cry. You are to sweet. Thank you again.