[BuddyErnesto]

About myself:
I am 19 years old and on my 2nd year at University. Good social/school/work life.

Now let's start with the fact that I only have had sex with prostitutes, 12 in total (had sex 14 times). 11 of which I 'did' this year alone.

This sexual behavior has caused me to put non-paid sex as some kind of irrelevant fantasy, out of my reality. I still approach girls and enough of them like me but I can never truthfully 'go for it' with a girl.

It just seems far too scary for me to be so vulnerable, to really show a girl I like her beyond the 'picking up'.
This is especially apparent with girls in my social circle because I get to know girls until the point where it's obvious we like each other and then totally ignore them because of the fear of being vulnerable.

In my mind opening up for love and sex to a girl is like showing her the way to damage my heart.

I just can't trust girls to not hurt me when I finally let go of my 'shield'.

This is also apparant in my sexual encounters with prostitutes (I try to keep my distance, no intimate cuddling etc). Although I still feel good with them because they'll never even want to hurt my feelings.
I only addressed this with the last girl I visited but I couldn't tell her why yet but I was able to be a bit more open to her (she is my age).
I also valued talking with her more than the sex (Just like with drugs, the urge to 're-dose' and visit her again is high because of this).


Relevant life occurrence:

-Got a hard crush at HS, talked to her a lot and asked her out. Word came out that I didn't have the money to take the girl out on a date (without going dutch). I felt stupid to trust her in keeping things between us.
Afterwards one of my best friends made her his GF which hurted me too but I accepted it because I was happy for him.

[hamster-bamster]

Outside of the world of relating with girls, do you tend to avoid risk to stay safe? Do you take risks at all? If you do - what kind of risks?

Also, you said that one of your best friends made her his GF. That makes me conclude that you not only have friends, but have so many friends that many of them qualify as BEST friends. This is, of course, consistent with your self-assessment as 'good social life". However, to get and keep friends one has to open up to them at least a bit. So you have managed to open up to friends but yet are apprehensive of opening up to a potential gf? If so, why so?

[BuddyErnesto]

Thanks for replying to my topic.

No, I have always been someone who tried to avoid risk if possible, I like things stable and certain.

When I made friends at University last year, many said that I was a very honest person from the start. Opening up like that to friends is easy for me because I know how guys 'work', it's easy for me to trust them.

The fact that I never had close female friends in my life makes it difficult for me to trust them as much. How would I know a girl would understand me instead of ridicule me?

The girls I met on University don't have that problem with me though, 2 trusted me enough to talk about their deeper insecurities (like SAD).

[Webgoji]

I'm with Hamster-Bamster, it seems that you have quite a few friends. I will say that many people I know that are afraid of letting people in tend to have numerous friends, but not too many "close" friends, i.e. the kind you can let down your guard around.

Right now, my opinion would be that you should concentrate on your friendships. I think it will help you get more comfortable with opening up. As you develop those friendships, you can find that you can let down your guard a little more and a little more and a little more. Once you're comfortable with that, then a closer relationship with women, I think, will come more naturally.

And you'll have your ups and downs in any relationship. I think the important thing to remember is that if you grow emotionally close to someone and they hurt you, it's not really as much a loss to you as an opportunity to find someone new, someone you really deserve. It sounds cheesy I know, but I feel that you'll find someone great knocking on your door, you just have to sort through the traveling salesmen if you know what I mean.

[hamster-bamster]

Since today is Leo Tolstoy's birthday , my recommendation to you is to read "Anna Karenina" - it covers your issue in full. In the novel, there is a brief reference to how proposing to a high society maiden is different from visiting a prostitute because... a high society maiden can turn you down / reject you whereas a prostitute cannot. According to my part-time boyfriend, this is no longer the case - apparently modern prostitutes can refuse a client, at least in Amsterdam (no, he does not visit them because prostitutes do not turn him on, but he appears to be in the know). I do not know where you yourself live and whether the prostitutes in your area are as protected as those in Amsterdam - Amsterdam is, after all, a civilized city that offers protection to sex workers, but regardless - you still get the crux of the issue - in the world of non-paid sex (using the term with which you titled the thread, but more generally, in the world of any relating not mediating by monetary exchanges), you are exposed to the risk of being rejected, hurt, abandoned, dis-preferred, and so on and so forth. Not everyone is prepared to take this risk...

Read the novel - this point is minor, so the script of the recent movie with Keira Knightley omitted it. I have not watched earlier film versions - I suspect they omitted it as well, as a minor point. But it fully addresses your issue (with word economy that was not, in general characteristic of Tolstoy's writing), so read it!

[BuddyErnesto]

The book seems like a long read (got the eBook) but I loved Russian novels since I was young (especially the ones about the Tsar period) so thanks for the recommendation!

I am living in the Netherlands and can confirm that the prostitutes here can and will refuse clients at their own will. I have never witnessed it myself but heard of it.

The majority of the woman I visit are working in brothels and are Dutch-speaking independent women. Especially the ones I have 'chemistry' with are non-judgmental and don't mind talking about various deeper subjects which makes me really like the companionship more than the sex.

Luckily the new school year will start next week and I'll try to make non-superficial (friendly) relationships with female students.

[hamster-bamster]

Sounds good! If you like lengthy Russian novels, especially the ones about the Tsar period, AND, you also like prostitutes with whom you can talk about various deeper subjects, there is always "Crime and Punishment" by Dostoyevsky: it is long, Russian, set during the period of Tsarism, and has a prostitute as one of the main female characters . Fits the bill fine, right?

Good luck - I am sure you will do fine. The Dutch-speakng prostitutes sound like good chums for you.