I like men, but love women...?

I don't know if anyone can help me with my "burning question" (I've contacted numerous psychologists online yesterday, but no replies so far), but here goes:

I am nineteen years old, a junior in college, and I have been wondering about my sexuality for a long time. I guess I should start off by saying I grew-up in a very open-minded and accepting / tolerant setting, so I have always been keen to exploring new ideas. I have also been doing a lot of independent research about human sexual fluidity and psychological theories concerning men who have some homosexual tendencies supposedly due to lack of male bonding in early years. (*I am not necessarily validating this theory, just saying I saw it!) If either or both theory is true, I can honestly see why it could apply to me. I am not a "porn person" (odd for a college guy, I know), but there was a time in my life, for about two months, when I did find gay porn stimulating. However, after much contemplation and mediation (and research, because obviously I am a bit of a nerd), I could never see myself in an emotional relationship with another man, or even in a sexual / physical one. I have always had "crushes" (and for extended periods of time, which always ended in total disasters because I never got the courage to ask the good lady(s), lol) on women, and I do get sexually attracted to them. (especially AFTER becoming emotionally, romantically, spiritually, mentally, etc.) I've always wanted a wife (and biological children at some point)--a special lady to share my life with, not a man. (No offense to the men, lol) Still, I do occasionally see men who I find attractive (*Also note that 90% of the time it's men I see as models in photographs (again I don't go looking for porn, just in general), not really in person). I find myself stimulated, but like I said, I don't think I could ever even kiss a man and enjoy it. Many people on public forums says it could grow with time, but I don't see that ever happening. It's just not part of who I truly believe I am. I would also like to note I am Asian-American, adopted by White people, and have had some self-image issues that I think is due to the fact that I don't look like the race that raised me. (Not being racist, I love 'em!) I have noticed that men who I find attractive are White...could there be a connection in my psychology? (Like if the attraction could be due to my need to look like the ideal White man) Finally, I honestly just wonder about my future. (Who doesn't, really?) I just want to find a good lady to spend the rest of my days with, but this is so important to me--my sexuality--and so intrinsic to the individual, that I must be honest about it.

CLEARLY, I need help…help?

I find the idea of your attraction to men possibly being due to the need to look like the ideal White man interesting. I'm a woman and though I definitely identify as straight and also see myself in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex, I do notice attractive women. Perhaps even more than I notice good-looking men. And I've found that part of the reason (though not the whole reason) is that I would like to look like them. Usually the person has more going for them than looks though; they also have confidence, or some other quality I've deemed admirable. I have also developed weird "crushes" on certain women, and I don't think it's exactly a sexual thing (though it is tangled somewhat in there). It's more that I just want to BE that person. Hope that doesn't sound weird. Thought I'd throw in my 2 cents! I think what you're going through is normal though. I have also read about sexual fluidity and believe that we all lie somewhere on the spectrum.

It's been said many times that there is no such thing as 'gay' or 'straight', that we are all truly some combination, whether it's 99% straight and 1% gay or something else. When I was young I only made out with girls. Then I started making out with guys. Then I started having sex with guys. Then I started having sex with girls. Then girls and guys. (I'm female.) Now I'm engaged to a woman. I came out as bisexual about 4 1/2 years ago, and I have identified primarily as pansexual or queer (because I'm a people person; I don't limit it to gender), but the truth is I have no idea what I am. It changes all the time. I'm not sure if you have an attachment to an opposite-sex partner because you want children, because you want an 'ideal' relationship, or if there's some other reason. It sounds like you might, maybe, kinda-sorta, be attracted to men but you don't really know and don't really think so. But you've been turned on by gay porn and/or the idea of being with a man in the past. Prior to meeting my current partner, there was a period of about 8 years where I hadn't been with a woman and I didn't find them attractive at all. In fact, the whole time I was sleeping with them I didn't ever look at a woman and think, Geez, I wanna sleep with her, or Geez I wanna kiss her. But I did kiss and sleep with them, and it was great. I still don't ever really look at people - any people - and feel an overwhelming attraction. But sometimes someone catches my eye and I go, Woah.
My bottom line here is: I can understand your feeling of needing help. I have felt that way in the past. I often talk to my fiancee about how I feel about being in a lesbian relationship but not identifying as queer (because I don't; not really. I identify as 'me'.). You are you. We all have weird little quirks and quarks. It's what makes us all so darn sexy and loveable and frustrating and endearing. I would just embrace whatever comes and follow your natural instincts. Sure, be curious. But I wouldn't be too analytical or hard on yourself. We like what we like. It doesn't always make sense. So often I wish I was just either 'gay' or 'straight'. I feel like it would help me have more of a clear self-identity. But I'm not. I'm all over the map with my sexuality. And it's okay.

I am a white woman and I find women attractive, and, like you, my eyes somehow discriminate based on race even though I am not a racist on any conscious level but quite the opposite. I find some White women attractive, oftentimes find East Indian women attractive, some African American women... very rarely Asian women (but do, at times, find them attractive).

Sexually, I am 150% straight (not by choice, obviously) in that I cannot even imagine doing anything physical with a woman and the mere thought of contact with, ahem, bodily fluids of a woman or her private anatomy or any of that... I never even try to imagine what it would be like - my mind and imagination stop there. But esthetically I find women attractive and appreciate the sensuality and sexuality I see in them A LOT. But, no touching. Absolutely no touching - I can appreciate from a distance and that is it.

My mother told me that I had a boyfriend in preschool, with caresses and all, but I do not remember that far back. I do remember various relationships with boys (nothing genital but lots of action, oral and written love confessions and all of that) starting in first grade. Always boys. No girls.

I sometimes find men attractive, but never find them as attractive, esthetically, as women. Not by a long shot. But I do have all sorts of relationships with them, while acknowledging that somehow god or whatever or whoever did not give them as much physical attractiveness or esthetic beauty as he / she/ it/ they/ whatever gave women.

I would love to be like spondiferous and just relate to every individual person as a unique individual not based on gender, but I cannot - I am the way I am.

I am afraid that you are also the way you are and it cannot be much helped by your admirable cognitive attempts.

With respect, it's not clear to me that you need help at all

Wanting to have a family is fine and admirable and something we have in common, but if you haven't met your partner(s) yet, then you know nothing about them yet - not even their gender. As the proverb goes, "if you want to make God laugh - tell him your plans". I'm not agreeing with the "you can learn to like it" crowd exactly, since they're a little creepy, but I'm not sure what the problem is. If you're MOSTLY attracted to girls, then you'll PROBABLY be far more involved with them, but it's a question that doesn't need answering until you have a serious candidate. Once you have a serious candidate, your feelings will likely make the answer clear enough. And you're right, being honest with probably-her is the only completely mandatory thing, there's workarounds for everything else.