Living with Sexual Anorexia

I actually seem to have done just that. As I've said before, I have always felt this was. From day one. Yet, no sex-negative family, no abuse, some childhood 'experimenting' but nothing I have any bad feeling about. Nothing to warp my thoughts about sex. It's just... me.

I did not get a chance to read each reply but Patrick Carnes has a great book out there called, "Sexual Anorexia". I am in my early 40s and have been in therapy to deal with this exact issue in addition to Complex PTSD and Attachment Trauma. I am a real people person and have great friends, but my fear of sexual/partner intimacy has kept me from even dating. I have to continue to work through my fear but it is very difficult and frustrating and not much attention seems to be given to this disorder.

Sometimes things that are left untalked about & left to the unknown end up becoming a negative in our lives because then it's left up to our imagination to determine what we are to think about it & just one word we hear in passing in our childhood even from other children like "ewwwwww that's disgusting"....can form that beginning seed that grows.....& we don't even know that we even heard that word or recall the situation around which it had been heard.

This thread just keeps popping back up at the most unexpected times! It's so great to still be able to talk about this! Thanks guys.

Firstly, let me say that I'm sorry to hear for your own issues with sex. I certainly wouldn't wish this kind of internal conflict on anyone. Glad to hear you are working through it!
I've heard of the book, and have almost bought it for myself before. Thing is, in the customer reviews I have read for it, the book seems very much focused on people who are already in relationships and is more focused on the relationship side of things that dealing with sexual anorexia on a personal level. It's a shame, because as you said, there's next to no other credible research or information on the condition.

That certainly makes a kind of sense. And I know where my feelings towards sex evolved from. It's a very personal subject, but basically I have always found a sense of happiness in things that one would can 'innocent.' Fantasy tales, children's stories, animated movies, and the like. In these things I found something I would call spiritually fulfilling. And my sexual urges were always things sort of dark enemy, and if I ever let them in or even for a moment allowed myself to think that my sexuality was ok, then I was sacrificing my connection with these innocent things that made me happiest. It's an abstract concept, and one I'm still exploring in Therapy, but there it is.

So, I'm hoping this is the best place to post this, because I'm kind of freaking out. Sigh, here goes:

So, recently I met up with an old friend from High School. Turns out, we had very similar situations and had a lot to talk about in regards to sex. She was very open and accepting of sexuality, and that made it easy to talk to her about my own sexual issues, which was a huge relief. We've been just hanging out on and off for a few weeks, nothing 'romantic' going on. But we do tend to talk about sexual things fairly often.
Now, just the other day, something came up. Somehow, someway, we were talking about the possibility of, well, doing stuff together, namely for my sake. As in, she knew I'd never done anything sexual with anyone, and well, frankly, she's done rather a lot of sexual things with people. So, we agreed on what was Ok to try, we'd go at a pace we were both comfy with, and that this would just be in the interest of helping me try something new.
So, after a solid 24-hour period of me being in a state of consistent anxiety attack, we met up and did... stuff. We each stuck with the boundaries we had discussed (my only huge requirement was that full-out intercourse was OFF the table), and were both quite respectful of one another. All in all, I'd say things went about was well as they could have gone.

Thing is, I'm doing more freaking out now than I was before or during the act.
I'm a mess of conflicting emotions, thoughts, and worries.
Namely, I absolutely don't want this to jeopardize our friendship. We've talked extensively about that. Both before and after. And I promised to do my best to not be 'weird' about things, something I'm confident she will do in return. This isn't the first time she's done this for a friend, after all. All the same, I worry.
Secondly, I'm having something of an identity crisis, now moreso than ever. Simply look back on this topic to see how I've struggled against my sexual impulses my whole life. Now, that's starting to change, and that's putting me in a very weird spot. My aversion to sexuality defined me in many ways. As conflicted and terrible as it could make me feel, I was at least secure and comfortable with familiar struggles. Now, that is all starting to change, and that's scary. It feels like I don't know who I am anymore.

I'll of course be talking about this with my Therapist and, more importantly, with my friend. I just felt the need to get this off my chest and see if anyone had some advice or a respectful opinion to share.

It's not surprising that this has put you in a tailspin- this is a big change for you. I don't have any advice other than to just stick with the feelings, ride it out, breathe, be patient, keep thinking about it, keep talking to your therapist, keep talking to your friend. Things feel frightening now, but that will settle down, and you will find your bearings again.

I have been following your journey with interest, and I'm glad that you share so willingly here. I find it inspiring, how hard you are willing to work to explore yourself and achieve personal growth. Wishing you well in your continued work.

Thank you very very much for your response and your kind advice. I appreciate the support.
After a few days, you're right, I've calmed down a lot and gotten my bearings. I'm still more than a little shell-shocked, after all I went from having done literally nothing sexual with anyone but myself to having done, well, rather a lot , at least for me.

I spoke with my Therapist about things, and my friend has been great with giving me lots of time and space to work things out.
At the moment, I don't think I want to do this again, at least not anytime soon.

The analogy I came up with for my T went something like this:
Right now, I'm working my way up a steep mountain. I'm progressing upwards one step at a time. Suddenly, I had this option to have an express escalator take me up to almost the top of said mountain. I got up there, and I've decided that while the view is nice, I feel like I'm not properly acclimatized to this elevation, and I'm a bit scared of heights . So, I think I'd like to head back down to where I was and keep working my way up step by step, and then maybe when I get back to that same elevation, I'll be more comfortable

Nice analogy! I have a tendency to do the same with a lot of new endeavors (new hobbies, work stuff, diet, exercise, and also, ah, romantic encounters), so it resonates with me. Wishing you well with your climb--
Climb Mount Fuji,
O snail,
But slowly, slowly.
- Kobayashi Issa

Appreciate it! My friend was very understanding... at least for a while. I'm starting to feel more and more uncomfortable with her. She said she was perfectly understanding about my needing to have lots of time and space to myself, but then she'll ask if I want to do stuff with her at random times.
I feel very self-assured in my ability to say 'no.' And that's exactly what I said to her. That's my choice right now. I've said it before and I'll say it again, doing sexual things has made me feel a LOT. But it has NEVER made me happy. And I feel confident that not doing anything is the right thing to do.

Well, well, well... I came back to the board after a three month self-imposed suspension (to focus on school) and when I saw this thread on top, my first reaction was: "Oh, no. Not again! He is still struggling."

I was so happy to read your news that wholly proved my suspicion wrong.

As for identity crisis I fully understand you. I am going through the same crisis except it was caused by external events. I will PM you about it.

I believe there is too much pressure placed on being sexual. Yes I want it, but personally I need an understanding friend and an companion more. The love life will occur and be much more pleasurable after this connection. My thought... be yourself Love comes is many ways - not always physical.

I'm sorry if this is material that's been tread on a lot before (I only read the first and last few pages of the thread and skimmed the middle) but I wanted to emphasize that you never, ever have to have sex. I struggled a lot with this issue, and still do - I have a libido, I experience attraction, and I feel that I should "fix" myself so that I enjoy sex and can have it with others. That kind of thinking only led me to hurt myself and others really badly. If you don't want to have sex, and don't enjoy it, you don't have to force yourself. You only have to change yourself if the changes are things you want to happen. As far as I'm concerned, anyone who thinks that sex is necessary for a healthy relationship and life can walk on by me.

That said: please, be gentle with yourself. Especially if you're dealing with confusing feelings and experiences that shake up your idea of yourself! You don't have to know the answer right away, and you seem like you're doing totally the right thing by steering clear of other sexual experiences while you figure things out. I'd also like to throw in a dissenting opinion and say that if taking medication to lower your libido seems like something that would make you happy, it's absolutely ok to do and worth exploring. It's always good to be cautious with psychiatric meds and aware of the effects they're likely to have, but several psych meds are prescribed for non-psych uses as well.

I often convince myself that I would be ok in a sexual relationship with someone - that it wouldn't be so bad - but when I'm honest and think about the kind of relationship I'd want, sex is almost completely out of the picture. That's ok. Whatever you want for yourself is valid, and listening to your gut with this is often the healthiest way to live, even if it leads to "unconventional" answers.

Thanks so much for this, it means a lot to me. Especially now when I'm really having to take stock of what's important to me. It's more reassuring than I can say to hear someone else say what I've been thinking.

You're welcome! If you ever want to talk about it more or need reassurance that what you're feeling is ok, feel free to message me. And good luck.

So, I've been doing a lot of research and exploration on my own, seeing as I can longer afford to go to Therapy.

I've come across the concept of post-coital depression before, but it never sounded quite right for describing what I was going through. However, recently I learned about the concept of "Sub-drop." A phenomenon common throughout BDSM circles. Sub-drop refers to a kind of crash that can be experienced by the Submissive partner after anything from mild to intense BDSM play. This crash can be immediate or can begin anywhere from a few hours or even a day or so afterwards and can last as long as a couple of days.
Symptoms can include: Fatigue, feelings of guilt, helplessness, pessimism, irritability, worthlessness, insomnia, and worse. Unpleasant stuff to be sure.

Now, given my history of Sexual Anorexia, I obviously don't indulge in BDSM practices. I don't indulge in much of anything really.
But, in spite of that, as I read about this I couldn't help but think, "Wow. That sounds EXACTLY like me."

I had experienced all of those symptoms, to varying degrees, my entire life after indulging in my own sexual urges. Reading about this sub-drop thing was so relatable and accurate it was scary.
And seeing as I, well, don't do BDSM or, well, anything, I looked into the science behind it. It's fairly simple. During sexual arousal or activity, our bodies release endorphins. These endorphins are meant to, well, get us high! They make us feel good, they make the more un-sexy parts of sex, well, seem sexy. And once sexual activity is over, those endorphins drop out of our system.
Everyone experiences this drop to "some" degree. Some simply temporarily lose interest in sexual activities, some feel a nit bummed out, that being post-coital depression.

So, essentially, my hypothesis as to why I've always felt terrible for thinking about sex or acting on my sexual desires was more or less correct.
I, for whatever reason, experience an endorphin drop FAR beyond what one is "supposed" to experience. I basically undergo "sub-drop" after thinking or doing ANYTHING sexual. That explains the physiological side of things.
Following that, the psychological side of things isn't hard to piece together. Ever since I hit puberty, sexual thoughts and exploration has been met with this severe negative reaction. This continued my whole life. So it's no wonder that I grew to resent my sexuality, my sexual thoughts, my desires, and sex in general.

Not sure if I'm actually going to be able to actually, you know, DO anything about this. But it's oddly comfortable to know the how's and why's of my situation.

I can relate i often feel very low after sex ( I don't go anything unusual and am not submissive). I am often dreading it because I feel low when it is gone. I can't avoid sex though because I like to be in a relationship and that's not gonna happen without sex but if I could have just affection with no sex that would be fine


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

People who do partake in BDSM in healthy relationships deal with this by comforting each other and being affectionate after sex. The Dom reminds the sub that s/he loves him/her and everything they said during the sex was just acting and they do in fact value the sub deeply.

I don't know if there is a way for you to remind yourself and comfort yourself after sexual stuff or not. I know this is an automatic response and it's really hard. But maybe the way BDSM people handle the sub drop phenomenon could help your situation somehow

I was actually working on something much like this when I was in therapy. My T called it 'thought stopping' I.E. really, really concentrating on pushing back the involuntary irrational thoughts and feeling of self-hatred, guilt, fear, and shame and trying hard to break through all of that and focus on telling myself that I have done absolutely nothing wrong and shouldn't be feeling bad at all.
It doesn't always work all that well and honestly it's hard for me to try al that hard now that I'm no longer in therapy (I can't afford it any longer sadly) but when it does work it's quite helpful.
It's never easy though. Trying to tell myself I shouldn't feel bad about sex at times feels like I'm trying to tell myself the sky isn't blue.