Living with Sexual Anorexia

So, I've had Sexual Anorexia ever since I was first capable of sexual feeling. If you're unfamiliar with the term, it's pretty much exactly what it sounds like, trying to "starve" myself of my sex drive. I have sexual impulses just like most anybody else but I wish more than anything that I could get rid of them because, to me, sexuality is something that is utterly vile and unwelcome.
Psychcentral has an article with more detail. If you're curious, a Google search of the term can tell you a lot.

This has, naturally, had a heavy effect on my life beyond things that are strictly sexual. Therapy has helped me with a lot of these issues but one in particular remains unresolved.
At almost 21 years of age I've never had a relationship with a girl. I get along fine with girls and I'm not nervous around them or anything. In fact, there where one or two girls in high school that I really liked. But having sexual anorexia means that while the idea my me being sexually active is already repugnant, the concept of being sexual with some I feel emotionally connected to is even worse.
I have always recognized that my views and feelings on sexually are in a minority to say the least. It took me awhile, but I no longer judge other people for acting on and embracing their natural impulses.
Therein lies my problem. I know that for almost everyone else, sex is supposed to be a high point of a relationship. I don't blame others for feeling this way but my own feelings are almost the exact opposite. It's for that reason that I have always either let the opportunity for a real relationship pass me by or, in other cases, actively avoided situations where a relationship might develop.

I would either have to come right out at the very beginning and tell a girl about my sexual anorexia or keep it quiet and only bring it up when things start looking like their leading to sex. Either way, sooner or later, the message would be the same: "I really like/love you. And it's for that very reason that I can't have sex with you." It would be awkward. Really awkward.

So, my question here is this: How would do you think someone would react to news like that?
I'm of the opinion that the revelation would be difficult at best. I am fully aware that for most, sex is a normal, even defining, part of a relationship. I don't like it, I don't agree with it, but I get it. I've always thought that it would be better for myself and any potential romantic interest if I just kept things away from relationship territory. Keeping things in the "friend zone," if you will. That way nobody expects something of me that I can't give.

But the thing is, I really want a relationship.
Some part of me craves the kind of emotional companionship you only find in a significant other. I just don't any sex!
A hand to hold, a strong hug, a kiss. These are the only things I could ever ask for. I'm really a hopeless romantic at heart. I guess I'm just scarred that no girl is ever really going to understand what it's like for me to see sex as something so wicked.
And even if they did, I could never hold someone to make that kind of sacrifice just for me. I'd probably end up encouraging them to find someone else who's normal and can give them what they want.

I'm very happy with my life. I've got a circle of good friends and a loving family. I've made some hard choices that I'm very proud of.
I've got some other issues, who doesn't? I've gone back to therapy to sort out some of the more unpleasant facets of living with something you wish you weren't. But other than that, I'd say I'm doing pretty good.

But this issue is never far from me. I'm constantly thinking about it. Therapy's great, but talking to one person can only get you so far. So I really appreciate any advice, words of wisdom, words of quasi-wisdom, words that wish they had wisdom, or even just plain words!
Thanks guys.

AppalachianAxis, I've never written on PC about this topic because it is so personal...but, you have given me the courage to try. I admire your honesty.

I've always had problems with sex but there was a short time I sorta enjoyed it--I still had my limits. Many years ago I started taking meds that completely eliminated my sex drive. As time progressed I began to feel repulsed by sex. Not too long ago I had a dream about a sexual activity and I woke up startled and completely grossed out. Any thoughts about sex make me feel unclean and I don't want to have anything to do with it.

I'm lucky--I've had a boyfriend for many years and he has been very understanding about my situation and feelings. Recently I changed my shirt in front of him and that seemed...well, okay. He has been patient with me and says he'll wait until I'm ready. By that he means any type of sexual activity--even if we never have sex he is willing to compromise and do whatever I feel comfortable with...he says baby steps. Changing my shirt in front of him was a little baby step.

I don't know if this writing has helped you any. Although our stories are a little different I can really relate to a lot of your feelings. I hope both of us can wrok things out as best as we possibly can.....take care....D.

Perhaps you could date an asexual, another person who has no desire for sex?

Thank you very much for sharing what is clearly a very personal subject. I'm glad I was able to inspire someone!

What you describe, feeling repulsed and unclean by sexual thoughts, describes me very accurately. Only whereas you are able to point to a time in your life where this aversion developed, I've felt this way about sexuality my entire life. There has never been a point for me in my life where I was okay with the concept of being sexually active.

This might be a little too personal for some, but I even distinctly remember my first "wet dream" occurring to a bad nightmare. My relationship with my own sexuality really never improved much from there.

You're very lucky to have such an understanding companion, and for so long! Stories like yours remind me that I should try to remember that the world is full of kind, compassionate, and understanding people. I shouldn't give up hope of finding one such person myself.
I envy your ability to take baby steps, something I know I can't ever do. Sexual contact with another person is so soundly and resolutely off the table for me. That's something I just don't know if I can ask someone else to accept.

Thanks again for your input!

Perhaps I could. That might even be the ideal solution.

But I myself don't necessarily have "no desire" for sex. As a matter of fact, at the age of 21, I've got quite a bit more desire for sex that I would like. My problem is that I've got these hormones raging around my head, clouding my thinking, and compelling me to do something that I don't want to do.
I imagine it's just like having a drug addiction. When the hormones get going, I know somewhere in the back of my head that I shouldn't be acting on this impulse, that I've done it a thousand times before and it hasn't ever made me feel anything other than miserable.

I am not sure that the hormones are clouding your thinking. It seems that the opposite is the case: your thinking is clouded without the hormones, and the hormones attempt to un-cloud your thinking.

Because, look - food anorexia is lethal in - what, 10% of cases? So it is a potentially fatal illness.

Sexual anorexia is not as fatal, but still - how come you are comparing sexuality with a drug addiction? Sex is necessary for procreation, but drugs are not. On the continuum:
- food is the most necessary thing
- drugs are not necessary at all
- sex is in-between the two

Underlined in the quote are things that show that you seem to be consciously against your sexuality. You are trying to ration your desire. Food anorexics ration the intake, but not the appetite (unless they go to the extremes of taking appetite suppressants). You attempt to control yourself in deeper ways than food anorexics attempt to control themselves.

It seems that the issue has received very little attention because the wikipedia article offers precious little information, but from what it does state, the therapeutic goals of treating sexual anorexia include the progression towards actual sex. So...maybe this is something for the future, perhaps distant future? Maybe something to look forward to, without rushing your therapeutic process? The ultimate goal in treating food anorexia is not just patient's gaining a bit of weight to avoid death by malnourishment, but the patient's ability to actually ENJOY food. If indeed sexual anorexia is akin to food anorexia (as the name suggests), then your ultimate goal is ENJOYING sex.

Hamster, thank you very much for taking the time to write such an extensive response!


While I don't completely disagree with you, I'd say that this is a matter of personal opinion and perspective. I easily see how someone who has a normal relationship with their own sexuality would come to the same conclusion you do. However, acting on my sexual impulses has never made me feel anything less than terrible, so you can see how I come into my own conclusion about when I have a clear head.


Honestly, I never saw this issue as something that would end up being lethal like food anorexia.

It was in fact my old T who likened the experiences I explained to her as a "drug addiction." I only make the analogy because that's how it feels to me, I didn't mean to belittle serious drug addictions or anything like that!
It's just like you said. Contrary to what many people have tried to tell me, sex is not a necessity like food, water, or air. Sex is very strictly a want. I should have the willpower to not act on that want. But I so often don't, and that really gets to me.


No argument there. I AM consciously against my sexuality and I have been my whole life.
If could just snap my fingers and have my sex drive vanish forever, I would do it. Lacking that particular option I am instead trying to do just as you say, ration my desire.
I'm trying to do this step-by-step. It's embarrassing to write, but I'm trying to stop looking at porn at all and only masturbating on a fixed schedule. I know that's weird, but it helps me feel like I'm in control of my sex drive, instead of it controlling me.

It's true that there's not much info available on the subject that isn't just the same article recirculated. I guess that's because it's a fairly rare condition. that, and a lot of people just don't seem to want to believe such a thing as sexual anorexia exists for whatever reason. I've got my fair share of dismissive and insincere replies when I reveal this part of myself to other people. Even from my own family.

I should not deal in absolutes, but I'll say that I can't ever see myself enjoying sex. Asking me to enjoy sex is like asking someone to enjoy, I don't know, doing something truly horrible and immoral. I know that the act in and of itself is not so, but that's just how it feels to me.
I'm so desperately opposed to my own sexuality that right now it'll be a huge step for me if I can learn to simply tolerate having a sex drive at all.

Thank you again for your insightful comment, I truly appreciate all the help I can get.

I'm afraid I don't fully understand, but I want to. What I gathered from what you are saying is that you physically want to have sex but you do not allow yourself to participate in sexual activity.

For me, I'm scared of sex. I have no issue with masturbation, but the idea of being physically close with someone else scares me. I'm afraid to get undressed and I'm afraid of a man touching me. I really want to get over that fear because I do want to have sex, but right now I am scared of it. I read online that sexual anorexia is suppressing your sex drive to gain a sense of control and is often a result of the fear of intimacy that I expressed. Is it like a fear of intimacy that you justified by saying that you don't need sex? Do you feel the same way about masturbation? Do you feel like having sex is a sign of a lack of self control? Do you have any idea what is making you feel so shameful about this?

Regardless, I hope you are seeing someone about this because sex is a natural, healthy part of of life and even if you never have sex, you can't will away your sex drive. That will always be a part of you and I hope you can make peace with it.

There is a common take in literature on food anorexia - food anorexia is explained as an attempt of exercise the ultimate control over something that (usually young women) do have control over, in the absence of the ability to exercise control over other aspects of their lives.

Is that not the case with food anorexia? I've experienced the "opposite" of food anorexia so I wouldn't really know. Binge eating was kinda a control thing for me. It was mostly a coping skill like SI. I guess there are many different explanations for every different sufferer.

The idea is that anorexia is an exercise of control on a subconscious level more so than on a conscious level. Of course, such ideas suffer from being hard to test.

Thank you for taking the trouble to try and understand. That's a trait one rarely sees.

Spot on. I do have a sex drive and sexual impulses. However, beyond a purely biological level, I don't want anything to do with anything sexual.

I'm sorry to hear about your own troubles with sex. I sincerely hope you find a resolution.
I won't deny that when I'm on one of my "good streaks" (no pornography, very little masturbation) as I am now, I do feel a very gratifying sense of self-control. However, I wouldn't exactly say I feel the way I do over a fear of intimacy. It's just that my concept of physical intimacy doesn't involve sex in any way, shape, or form. I cannot see sex as a means of expressing affection, quite the opposite in fact.

That might just be what's hitting me the hardest actually. A deep part of me desperately wants someone to be close to. I just want so... little. Does that make sense? All I could ever ask for is a hand to hold, a strong hug, or a kiss.
To me, sex is one of the single most unloving things imaginable. The thought of having sex is horrible enough on it's own, but the thought of having sex with some I might like, maybe even love?
That's unbearable.

Thank you very much for your concern. It helps, really it does.
I've have had a couple of ongoing visits with a new Therapist and am in the process of doing just what you said: make peace with this.

I think Secretum was right in her advice - try to seek an asexual for a partner. You will get strong hugs but no sex (I assume). There is a site for asexuals that somebody posted on here a few months ago. Try searching the forum

Found the thread:

http://forums.psychcentral.com/sexua...sexuality.html

Thank you.

If I was the kind to try an start a relationship online, I'd be using that info as we speak.
Thing is that I'm something of an introvert. That is, I'm more comfortable with letting a relationship happen with someone I know in the real world that I am with trying to make something happen online.

My current Therapy has helped me greatly in this regard. I'm to the point now where I'm not afraid of potential romances anymore. So if one comes my way, I think I've gotten the confidence and self-assurance I need to trust someone else to at least try to understand why it is that I just can't have sex be part of a relationship.

asexuality is rare. When you are somehow in need of a "niche" kind of partner (asexuality is a "niche", right?), then those online tools of connecting people who are somewhat unusual might be helpful. Otherwise, of course, a relationship that unfolds naturally beats an intentional attempt to strike a connection online. Also, if you seek friends (let us call them friends for now) using the site, there would be the common knowledge - implicitly - that you cannot have sex as part of a relationship. In the real world, you might have to explain it to a partner. The online communities deal with the explaining part.

Maybe rehearse with the T how you would try to explain to a prospective candidate for a R/S that you would not be sexually active as part of a R/S? You know - have the T sit opposite you and pretend he/she is your prospective friend.

Life is suffering.

I understand what you mean, AppalachianAxis... I'm an asexual (the official definition being someone who doesn't experience sexual attraction, not someone with no desire for sex, asexuals can still be sexually active) but I do have a libido; I find it aggravating to have something yelling at me I've no actual need for. (To clarify my position here, in essence, it is like food (if we borrow the current comparisons at hand!) where libido is like being hungry, a general feeling that says "you need to eat", but sexual attraction is like craving a particular food, or seeing a slice of cake and wanting it.)

So although I'm not in the same position as you of denying certain acts, because I have no desire to go and have sex with somebody so on that part it takes no effort at all, I can associate somewhat with unwanted sexual urges and the way they have a tendency not to go away, when you'd rather do something else with your day, like go shopping, do chores, or watch paint dry.

Thanks for your reply!

You're exactly right, and I often find the defining aspect of living with sexual anorexia is that I so often feel like I would give anything to become an asexual myself, and finally be rid of this urge I never asked for.

I'm glad you made the food comparison. That's exactly what it's like. Only for me, the urge seems to just get stronger the longer I try to ignore, or "starve,"
it. Just like food anorexics I'll switch from trying my hardest to not engage in anything sexual at all to suddenly going on a "binge."
For me, this involves indulging in a lot of pornography, which only makes me feel worse in the end because it compounds my already potent self-loathing with shame and disgust at what I've gotten of to. And it's those very feelings that compel me to once again try to completely starve my sex drive to death.
It's a very very vicious cycle.

Gee, how uplifting!

Haha.
Maybe I misread somewhere, and missed it...but Appalachian, do you not identify as being asexual? Instead of merely seeking an asexual partner I mean? Perhaps it's something that works for you. At any rate, I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with this. I'm sorry any of us do. Sexuality seems to be one of the tried and true hot-button issues that nobody really talks about (for the most part) and is not allowed to express in a normal, healthy way. I believe all forms of sexuality are valid (providing they are consensual and do not cause harm to others) and that if we were actually given the space and support to explore what that is for us we'd be a lot better off as a society.
I wish you all the best in your journey.

No, I don't identify as being Asexual. An Asexual does not experience any sexual attraction at all. I do, I experience sexual urges and attraction but I hate that I do. And while being with someone who is Asexual would probably be a good match, I'm not going to hold myself to that.
I have made some good progress on this with my current therapist. I'm not really the kind of guy to go out and try to "force" a relationship, but I'm not going to sabotage or avoid potential engagements like I have all my life. I'm just going to have to be open and honest and trust that whoever may come along will understand.
Thank you for your help and your concern. You're right, even though today we live in a more sexually progressive society than we ever have, it's still a pretty awkward subject. It's nice to have a place like this to talk about it openly with accepting people.

I am afraid that your case is the toughest. A more sexually progressive society is something that would help a guy who, basically, likes sex, but needs to shed some baggage with respect to sex-negativity. But you hate what you do. It is more complex. Much more complex. I am glad therapy has been fruitful.

So, my Therapist has brought up the interesting proposal of me making an appointment with a psychiatrist with the intent of starting me on some medication. Nothing specific so far, but she mentioned Antidepressants and maybe some moderate OCD medications. Not that I'm depressed or obsessive. Although the OCD meds would come into play in regards to breaking my current binge-and-fast cycle of indulging in pornography and masturbation. Some of these medicines apparently have been known to drastically reduce one's sex drive as a side-effect. While for most people this would be a pretty undesirable hindrance, I think it would go a long way towards my getting over my impulses.

Just a few things I'm hesitant about.
Firstly as I said I'm not what you'd call depressed and outside of masturbating more often than I'd like I don't really have any other obsessive or compulsive tendencies. I'm a bit apprehensive about how starting medication would affect me outside of the whole sex thing. I just don't want to change who I am because of this. Eh, perhaps I'm just being a bit paranoid?
Secondly, my therapist took the effort to regal me with horror stories about the time it takes to actually get in to see a local psychiatrist. And when I did, I've got no guarantee that this personal would understand my reasons behind wanting to get on these medications. I imagine that if I went to any regular doctor and told them I wanted drugs that would kill my sex drive, they might just refer me right back to therapy!
Lastly, I guess I just don't really know how to feel about taking medicine for this problem. Maybe I'm just being way too stubborn and prideful to turn away help when it's offered to me, but I can't help but feel a bit weak if I were to to this. I'm worried I'll always feel like I could have beaten this thing on my own but didn't have the will power to do so.

Does anybody have any thoughts or opinions? I really cannot overstate how much I appreciate any kind of help I can get.
Thanks!

Maybe you need to be emotionally invested in someone before you feel sexual attraction to them?