[henrydavidtherobot]

I'd been seeing a gorgeous, wonderful man but we both went away for the summer. Towards the end of his time away, he got a gf and didn't tell me. I went off the deep end, esp when he visited town and brought her instead of seeing me.

I responded by getting drunk and hooking up with a friend who I'm not attracted to the following day. I figured that this was just a rebound and it wouldn't happen again. But I keep doing it. I have no idea why. Its not that good, I want a relationship with some one else, and I don't want to use anyone/lead them on. I'm not attracted to my friend at all. It makes no sense.

The one who I was seeing (lets call him M) and I talked a lot of stuff out. We've been working stuff out (I think), but his behavior confuses me. The other night, he didn't do anything but be kind to me, but I felt like he didn't care if I was around or not (which wasn't fair), so I left M and went to go with the other guy (lets call him J) because he kept asking me to come over. I always tell myself that I won't sleep with him, but then I complain about M and my life and he listens and then sleep with J.

I feel like I have no control because once I'm sad, I can numb myself and zone out during sex and he becomes just a body providing me a service and not my friend. And I don't want to jeopardize things with M. I feel a bit hypocritical for my annoyance towards M for constantly sending me mixed signals. I can't stop doing this. Why do I keep doing it and what is wrong with me? :/

M has not treated you well but you continue to hope that things will change. After talking with M - where you are probably withholding sexual feelings / desire for him - you need to release that sexual tension / desire and then turn to J to do so. You are correct to be concerned about J since he may develop more than merely sexual feelings for you when you are not prepared or desirous of falling in love with him.

My suggestion is to break off contact with both while still remaining friends. End all contact with M. I understand this may be hard since you still have deep feelings for him. But, the fact remains, he likes to play the field and is not ready to settle down. M cannot give you the permanent relationship you are seeking because you have different values. I suggest you seek counseling to get over him so that you can go out and meet someone who would be a more compatible and emotionally healthier mate for you.

[henrydavidtherobot]

The situation is complicated (as most of my relationships with men have been since I started college). M and I weren't dating yet because he he went away for 3 months and I went away for one month, so it made sense to hold off. I'm not upset about the involvement with another, just the hiding of it. A week before he got involved with another girl, his father suddenly died. M has apologized and we've talked a lot of things out. Since he was accountable for everything and made no excuses, I figured that I could forgive this evasion of responsibilities because I know how irrational people can following the death of someone.

I agree with what you're saying about J, but I can't seem to make it stop. You're not giving poor advice and I appreciate the reply, but neither seem feasible. Both are friends with almost all of my friends, so if I cut off contact with both, I'd lose my social life and isolate myself. I can't be around M and not talk to him. It would depress me too much and I wouldn't be able to be where ever he is at. I would just see that everyone else around me is able to find happy connections with other people but me and that no one understands me and I would cry myself to sleep every time (this has been proven).

I've been in therapy on a weekly basis for a long time. I'm now on medicine for cyclothymia. I don't know how to move on because there is no one else. Everyone always thinks I'm being dramatic, but I can honestly say that after living in this small city for years that I am attracted to no one else that I haven't already tried something with. Even the handful of people that I thought I had potential with now have girlfriends. So there is no anyone else.

I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. My plan is to move after graduation to try again somewhere else, but if I don't find emotional support here, then I will never get on a healthy track of mind. I'm even on a dating site and am very involved in lots of things. What can I do? I'm lonely, but everyone here is unattractive, boring, or not emotionally mature enough for me. I'm so sick of crying and feeling worthless

[henrydavidtherobot]

I'm just ****ed, aren't I?

[Weiss]

Sounds normal to me. You need a challenge, and you believe M is up to your level, but the relationship is a mess which makes you unhappy, you have to vent your unhappiness in sexual release, J just happens to be there. Tension and failure lead to sex, imagine if you had no angsty feelings and were calm and happy most of the time. Positive feelings probably wouldn't lead you to as many questionable encounters with J as much as the bad feelings do.

I was always interested in the mental dynamic of relationships, and lean towards Freud. Fun read: Who's Been Sleeping in Your Head: The Secret World of Sexual Fantasies [Brett Kahr]