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  #1  
Old Sep 14, 2013, 01:22 PM
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Goatgrl Goatgrl is offline
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Okay, here goes... I'm a 50 year old woman, married to the same man for 26 years, and my sex life bores me to tears. It's always the same thing, and it's always planned out, starting with my husband saying "We're going to have to fool around sometime soon."

We're both very reserved, private people, and I have issues with our kids hearing what's going on, so I understand the lack of spontaneity. My husband works a lot, and even when he's at home he's constantly dealing with work-related phone calls and emails. What he does is important, and I understand that too. I even understand that he's tired and stressed, and that's why he's okay with going weeks without touching me.

The problem with all this "understanding" is that it has made me draw away from him and has lessened my attraction to him. A lot. It almost feels wrong when he touches me.

I used to think about having an affair (why not? He did.) At this point I'm not sure it would be worth the effort. I've repressed my desires so much that most of the time not even masturbation helps. And no, it's not menopause; this has been going on for years.

Before you respond, please be aware that I have talked to him about this. He makes excuses, and gets offended when I try to get him to change his technique. It's like I'm insulting his manhood if I suggest that we try anything different. I just don't care anymore. It's going to be the same boring routine for the rest of my married life, and it doesn't seem worth the effort to try to get through to him.
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  #2  
Old Sep 14, 2013, 04:58 PM
ocdwifeofsociopath ocdwifeofsociopath is offline
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have you tried taking the initiative like surprising him with being in new lingerie, or going on a romantic date followed by you starting physical stuff?
  #3  
Old Sep 14, 2013, 05:06 PM
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SilverNeurotic SilverNeurotic is offline
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planned date nights?
  #4  
Old Sep 14, 2013, 05:47 PM
Anonymous33211
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Maybe you could initiate it.

Although it sounds like you still have unresolved feelings with regarrds to him cheating on you. Maybe this is why you feel like you don't want to be touched?
  #5  
Old Sep 14, 2013, 08:16 PM
EmilysZoo EmilysZoo is offline
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My husband is also sensitive, but about 2 years ago I decided I needed to be more open about things or else risk being 'annoyed' for the rest of my life. The first talk was very general about wanting more intimacy, and things gradually got more specific. For one Christmas I bought some his and her books on sexual techniques. Having both types of books allowed me to say that I wanted both of us to become better/more adventurous lovers. There were no accusations that he was the one that needed to change. In addition, we brought a good deal of humor with us into the bedroom. Sometimes things don't feel as good as you think they will and it's become ok for both of us to say something like, "I see you're really trying, but it's just not doing it for me." After some chuckling, it's time to try something else. This type of thing did take a while to develop, but it's been really great to be able to laugh about sex.

Actually, around the time of our first talk, there was a school news letter sent to parents warning them that porn could be accessed on youtube. Naturally I checked it out and later showed my husband, and that started some really interesting talks! It sort of opened the door a little more to talk about what people liked, what they didn't, do people really do that stuff, do you want to give it a try, let's buy some toys and check it out!

I don't want to make it sound easy because I have been reserved about sex my whole life and I was so nervous and uncomfortable the first time I discussed these issues with my husband. It's only been in the last two years that things have greatly improved.

So, I know you said you've talked to him, but perhaps talking about things in general first and not criticizing him might be a good way to start.

One other thing--I am also very uncomfortable thinking that my kids could hear us. They are teens now and often go to bed later than us. My husband and I now try to make dates during the day. He takes off from work and comes home for a few hours. No kids means we can go to any part of the house and be as noisy as we like. Of course, he then has to work late, but it's definitely worth it.

I hope I haven't made things sound too easy or perfect because they are not. However, once we got over the initial talks, things are and continue to improve.

Sorry if any of this offends or is not helpful in any way.
  #6  
Old Sep 15, 2013, 12:33 AM
ocdwifeofsociopath ocdwifeofsociopath is offline
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I think the most important thing IMO is to let him know that you are actually interested in him. I'll bet, if things go well, you will rekindle all romance in the bedroom on both your parts
  #7  
Old Sep 15, 2013, 07:48 AM
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healingme4me healingme4me is offline
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Did you go through couple's counseling to resolve his extra marital affair? All the other ideas sound, good, but is this issue 'resolved', yet?
  #8  
Old Sep 15, 2013, 09:37 AM
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Goatgrl Goatgrl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ocdwifeofsociopath View Post
I think the most important thing IMO is to let him know that you are actually interested in him. I'll bet, if things go well, you will rekindle all romance in the bedroom on both your parts
But I'm not interested in him anymore. I lost interest several years ago.

And I have to add that I have not "criticized" him; he just doesn't like the idea that there might be room for improvement. Also, he talks about how "disgusting" other people are for doing more adventurous things. He is not open to it.

He cheated on me 20 years ago. I feel like that's behind us, and I don't believe that's what's causing problems now.

Last edited by Goatgrl; Sep 15, 2013 at 09:45 AM. Reason: Added new information
  #9  
Old Sep 15, 2013, 10:09 PM
ocdwifeofsociopath ocdwifeofsociopath is offline
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I understood you weren't interested, but because you want to improve it, he needs to think you are and eventually you will be...hopefully. I would be willing to bet trying sexy surprises, not adventurous, would be to his taste and start that spark of interest back up. nothing big, just your initiation physical contact leading into it, or more passionate kisses for a few days followed by being in a "modest" negligee. if that goes well, you can keep upping it until it is carefree, sexy, romantic, and fun. You may find love again. I don't know any man who actually thinks anything other than missionary with the lights off too adventurous or disgusting.
  #10  
Old Sep 16, 2013, 06:56 AM
EmilysZoo EmilysZoo is offline
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ok, I guess I didn't pick up on just how uninterested you are in him. Are you thinking of leaving him? I guess you only you can decide if your life is better staying with him or leaving him.

As is often suggested to people, have you thought about going to individual counseling? It could be beneficial in helping you make decisions about how to improve your happiness. If you can't change him, you may be able to change things in your life.
  #11  
Old Sep 16, 2013, 05:18 PM
casurfer casurfer is offline
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Wow, I totally don't get that at all... I guess some people are just more uptight than others. I've sort of had the opposite of you, my wife is conservative almost a little repressive. My approach to her needs to be scripted because that's how she gets in the mood. If I try something outside of the box, so far she doesn't just go with it. She very recently agreed to try new things... but she feels like she won't be enough for me, so I think to some extent she puts her guard. Maybe your husband feels like he can't please you so he's putting on a defense mechanism?
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