[ToeJam]

I actually came across this forum for other reasons but I saw this section and it triggered off another issue I've been quiet about forever (wife kind of knows there is a problem but it's not something we speak about... I'll get to that)

I am 36 and I'm a virgin. Been in a steady relationship for 15 years (married for 4)... had several girlfriends before that... but never actually had sex. I am scared. For many years I convinced (lied to) myself that I was A sexual.

I understand that it might sound weird to be married and not want to consummate... But I took the vows very seriously. I love her and would do anything to make sure she is happy and content... and so this is why this problem of mine is coming to a crux that I need to face.

I am currently feeling quite conflicted. My wife wants a child... she's broached the subject but is not forcing the issue (bless her) so I don't feel necessarily threatened that she's going to leave me or anything... but I'm feeling guilt and nervousness all at the same time.

I have quite a bit of insecurity with regards to my genitals that stem from an early age. When I was young (4) I had to have a testicle removed and for whatever reason other children I knew found out about it and it was a cause for bullying and ridicule throughout most of my school years.

I'm old now and both wise enough and ugly enough to know children are cruel and in reality it should have no effect on me as a fully grown adult male... but I still feel petrified about 'doing the business'. I am attracted to my wife... I love her body and all of that... but yeah I've got this 'block' is the only way to describe it and I don't know what to do to overcome it. Scared that I won't 'perform'... that I won't 'please' her... that perhaps I'm infertile due to the childhood operation... and so I'm just procrastinating the issue.

Not really sure what kind of help or advice can be given over this... but throwing it out there since I'm in a place of limbo and the wife's body clock is ticking.

[NWgirl2013]

There comes a time when maybe you need to get past this. I know that sounds harsh, but you appear to having a loving & patient wife who deserves to be shown affection & yes, sex! is a part of this.
Lights out is a great way to avoid a visual encounter. If that is your concern.
Naked cuddling is also a great way to be close and allow your body to relax with hers and become aroused.
I doubt she will be judging you. You need to take a deep breath and allow her to love you, all of you.
What do you say?

[ToeJam]

Originally Posted by NWgirl2013

What do you say?

I don't know what to say I appreciate your message though I could probably go on and on making excuses but that is what they are, excuses and I know I'm just perpetuating the issue.

Thanks for your words

[Big Mama]

I agree, lights off if it is an issue. She does know correct. Or does she not. If she knows and married you, then that is not an issue to her. Having one rather then two should not affect your sperm count.

Me personally that is like dating a woman who has had a partial mastectomy. It is just visually outside of the norm, but you would love someone who has had that issues regardless. CORRECT. Well it is the same concept. One eye, one ear, one leg, one breast, one testicle. Sex is not the worst thing in the world. Some people actually like it. So I have heard.

[AppalachianAxis]

I know this is probably not what you were expecting to hear but your story actually gives me a kind of optimism.

I'm a guy who's never been in a relationship because I won't have sex. And that's kind of shaped my perception of what relationships are like. Namely: they've all got lots of sex going on.
So to hear that there's even just one guys who's had a steady relationship for 15 years and been married for four without sex being too big of an issue is kind of amazing to me. It gives me genuine hope that one day a girl will understand why I am the way I am.

Hope you find a good resolution to your issues, cheers!

[Big Mama]

Appalachian, there are females out there who would be fine to never ever have sex again. I am one of those. I would love to find a man to have a relationship with, to be friends with, to just have and to hold no requirement of sex.

Past issues and current medication have led me to a point where I don't really care if I ever have sex again. So in short keep looking. We are out there. I am married to a man who doesn't share the same opinion as I do on sex. Definitely make sure that is something you work out before you get married. Had my husband known what kind of issues I had prior to him, he may not have wanted to get married. I cried after sex before we got married and felt terrible, every single time, and I often cry now 20 years later when we have sex. So just be certain you find the right person for you.

[Revu2]

ToeJam,

I'm astounded at the strength of the blocks life has thrown up to you.

Yes, those early teasings/bullyings made an effect on you. Now it's time to release their grip.

Three ideas come to mind: discuss with your wife recruiting a sex surrogate to help you on the physical level. Perhaps the surrogate can coo and tease to get you to a positive state of arousal and then let your wife step in and continue onto consummated sex.

Another might be re-imagining being bullied. Look around the scene in your imagination. Not everyone could have participated (members of this site, for example, even the same age, didn't because we didn't know you then). This can go many directions from here: journal or speak out loud the parts to get to where you feel these things in your body.

First step, recruit Strength to stand with you as you stand down those bullies. Imagine a Super Hero or Heroine, someone known to you or you found in fiction, or you can imagine a Special Hero all your own. Sometimes in shamanism it's called a Power Animal (mine are big cats like panthers).

With the Strength of your supporter behind you, tell your inner bullies, "You're Fired!" They will protest and laugh, but inwardly they know their time limiting you is closing out. Repeat as a chorus with your Strength Image. Fire each know and aggressive bully one at a time.

Then imagine there are attractive girls or women that holds back from the teasing because they secretly finds single-testicle men an enormous turn-on, perhaps a fetish. Maybe they had a club and were frustrated and horny because they could not find suitable Object of their Desire. They manage to corner you one day near the gym mats and no one else is around ...

Turn off the lights, lie back, and let you wife do all the work. Richard Pryor has a funny bit on this. Rinse. Repeat. Enjoy!

By the way, my brother has a single testicle and from all appearances it never stopped him for having a robust sex life.