[beloiseau]

Hi, hopefully someone will be able to give me some advice...

Sex makes me very uncomfortable. I started self-pleasuring at an early age, didn't know anything about sex...my mom made me feel very guilty about that when I asked her about it as a young child. I still have feelings of guilt about it. My dad is very uncomfortable talking/seeing/etc anything sexually explicit on the tv, so I always felt really awkward about anything I saw especially if he was in the room. I was always uncomfortable during sex talks with friends in college.

Anyway, this level of uncomfortableness is a major problem for me and in intimate relationships. I had a boyfriend ask me if I was molested once, just because of how uncomfortable I can get. I get really anxious about it beforehand, but I can hide it. I always find a reason to put off sex. If someone tries to touch me to initiate, I just want to run away. All my relationships have ended with us not having had sex very often. I have had impulsive hook ups though, and did not feel the same level of uncomfortableness that I felt with boyfriends.

To my knowledge, I was not sexually abused... but I can't really come right out and ask my mom that can i? I don't know what the problem is, if it's just related to intimacy issues (afraid to get too close to people), or if there is something more deeply rooted. But it's keeping me from getting in another relationship, because I'm scared the same thing is going to happen again.

Hope this made sense, appreciate any response.

[Maranara]

I've often wondered the same thing: if I may have been abused as a child and never knew it.

From I was 9 until I was about 16, for all intents and purposes I was held captive by my mom. It's hard to explain, but my siblings all moved out, I wasn't allowed to spend the night over anyone's house or invite anyone over, and my mom changed our phone number and wouldn't give me the new one because I was "making friends. Also, during this time, she kinda brainwashed me for lack of another word. I became inundated with religious ideals and was brought up to believe that sex was wrong, evil. What did this do to me? I forced myself to have sex the first time because I thought I'd be abandoned otherwise and pretty much ever since I'd either dissassociate or break down during sex...some 20+ years later.

I know my story didn't help. I just wanted to let you know that I think I get it....

[beloiseau]

Thanks for sharing. It helps to know someone else's experience. I really want to believe that it is just related to a more conservative upbringing and problems within myself, but the level of discomfort I have felt is alarming to me. I honestly just feel like it's wrong, and I always feel some level of guilt after. Thanks

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[hamster-bamster]

I think that you have some hope in that you do report less discomfort during hookups. Probably because you are not at all invested and do not fear anything because this man you are hooking up with won't be a regular presence in your life, you dare to do things you won't do with boyfriends. Your hookups seem to be what in software development is called a staging environment, where you try things out before you you release them into real life (called "production" environment). That you have found that ability is great, with the obvious mention ox safety both in terms of STIs and drugs (drugs since you mentioned that the hookups are impulsive).

[Truth in Ruin]

I truly feel for you. It sucks that you go through this. Try not to feel bad for having intimacy, you deserve it.

I'm actually opposite from you. I feel awkward having sex with someone I don't care about, or at least don't love I should say. But when I'm in love- it's great.

[Frankbtl]

Maybe wrong but it sounds to me like it's more of a problem with the intimacy part of sex that can come along with being in a relationship if it's less of a problem with hook ups??
Could it be that sort of situation makes you feel vulnerable or a lack of control in relationships? Maybe you think there's nothing to loose in hook ups, or no "judgement" coming from the guy?
A couple of things you said you "can hide it" and you "find a reason to put off sex" sound like they really can't be helping though. Do you think it's becoming something you're almost at times doing for the guy or because you feel it's expected? If so that only going to make it feel even worse for/to you.
Maybe explaining things near the beginning of a relationship might help, because it sounds like it might help if it's more on your terms/at your pace.
Now if you find someone understanding to be in a relationship with, which anyone would want anyway, maybe you could agree that you'll take the lead, at your pace. And you can have that starting off with just the contact, touching etc, etc.....it doesn't have to go all the way, not unless/until YOU feel comfortable/YOU want it to.
And you know, try to tell the guy what you like and what you don't like (or at least some hints?) so things are going more in your direction.
Maybe even try more casual touching day to day with whoever you're in a relationship with. You know arms, back etc to make touching feel more comfortable/pleasurable and not just more of a prelude to something you're not quite there on yet.
As for your parents I can see how this might have coloured your view on things, but their hang up's don't have to be your hang up's. Afterall I'm sure you don't want to follow the EXACT same paths in your life as them, we're all individual's, so maybe try to choose your path a bit more towards YOU want.
And MAYBE the way they've reacted with you was as much because you're their "child" in their eyes and they wanted to protect you from that more than that's the way they feel personally about sex. Maybe they more find it embarrassing (?) in front of you as opposed to in general. Wouldn't be uncommon with parents. Try imagining them a little differently when you aren't around perhaps, or maybe NOT??
Just some thoughts, feel free to let me know if I'm wrong and will try again.
Alison