[gloamingone]

My man and I have been together for 15 months, living together for five months. We haven't had sex in six months. It seems to coincide with a massive breakdown I had six months ago, that I'm still struggling through, but I'm not sure that's the problem.

He has admitted that his parents spoke about sex like it was dirty and shameful. They even slept in separate beds. I think this plays into the situation a lot.

I'm 39 and he's 57. He has Viagra but refuses to use it. We don't even cuddle anymore and rarely kiss or hold hands.

I've talked to him many times about this, but nothing changes. I'm at my wit's end. Any advice?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Mike_J]

I no sex a "deal breaker" for you?

[gloamingone]

Well, I had a sexless marriage years ago, and it was awful. If it's not a deal breaker, it's very close to one.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[MotownJohnny]

Yeah, find another guy. Let him find someone who is more in tune with his own level of libido. Maybe that's flip, but it's a simple solution, simple is often best in the long run.

[gloamingone]

That's kind of what I'm thinking, too. Feeling sexually frustrated and unwanted certainly isn't helping my state of mind. I just wish I didn't love him so much.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Yeah, suggest he changes or you'll leaving. If that isn't a wake up call for him then nothing will be.

[hamster-bamster]

I agree with Lycan and suggest you make that wakeup call yesterday, because it has long been overdue.

And I thought many men liked younger women. Live and learn.

[gloamingone]

One of the problems is that I'm living with him while waiting to hear about my SSDI appeal. No income, so moving out would be really hard. But I agree, we shouldn't be together if our libidos are so different!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[hamster-bamster]

SSDI appeals can take a year, right?

[gloamingone]

Unfortunately. It's a bad situation.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[hamster-bamster]

It is. I hope you get approved. In the meantime, consider him a housemate to avoid constantly feeling defeated. Less heartache, less resentment.

The guy should be Indicted into the hall of weirdness.

[gloamingone]

Lol Thanks. I may suggest him myself!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[AppalachianAxis]

Just going to step in here to provide a bit of a counterpoint.

Now, I'm no relationship expert but it seems to me that just one aspect of a relationship, in this case sex, shouldn't be a "deal-breaker." Leaving someone just because there's no sex seems a bit... callous to me.
Naturally, you know this guy best. If you feel like there might be a chance for the relationship to improve with some work from the both of you, maybe consider not just up and dumping him. There are a million other ways to make people feel loved and excepted other than sex, maybe you could encourage more of this? Or perhaps some couple's therapy could be an option?
It sounds to me like this guy has had some serious issues with sex in his life and condemning him for that alone just doesn't seems like the best option.
As I said, you know him best. If you truly feel as if he will make no effort on his end to improve things and that he genuinely does not appreciate you (taking into account appreciation beyond the sphere of sex) then yeah, go ahead and move on.

Just my two cents...

[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by gloamingone

My man and I have been together for 15 months, living together for five months. We haven't had sex in six months. It seems to coincide with a massive breakdown I had six months ago, that I'm still struggling through, but I'm not sure that's the problem.

He has admitted that his parents spoke about sex like it was dirty and shameful. They even slept in separate beds. I think this plays into the situation a lot.

I'm 39 and he's 57. He has Viagra but refuses to use it. We don't even cuddle anymore and rarely kiss or hold hands.

I've talked to him many times about this, but nothing changes. I'm at my wit's end. Any advice?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I agree with AppalacianAxis. It sounds to me more like it hinges around your breakdown and his past. Couples counseling would be more in order I think than just dumping him.

[gloamingone]

He won't do counseling, even if we could afford it. Bad experience with a counselor in the past. I love this man dearly, but I consider intimacy an important part of a relationship. He kisses me briefly when he comes home from work, but that's it. No hand holding, no hugs, no cuddling, etc. I've talked to him about it many times over the past six months, but nothing changes.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Webgoji

I agree with AppalacianAxis. It sounds to me more like it hinges around your breakdown and his past. Couples counseling would be more in order I think than just dumping him.

The guy is 57 years old. If a 20 year old cites his parents' saying that sex was dirty and shameful, it is one thing, but at 57 all of those issues should have long been worked through and it was his responsibility to work through them, unless he thinks that he is immortal...

[gloamingone]

He admits that his previous marriages failed because of this, and he refused to work on it then. Why would he work on it now for a mere girlfriend?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[punkybrewster6k]

Being the age he is, has he gone to the doctor to check his testosterone level? That could be the root of his problem...

Sent from my SCH-S720C using Tapatalk 2

[gloamingone]

Yes, he has, and the test showed low testosterone, but he refused to take medication for it.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[eskielover]

Hmmmmm does your breakdown have anything to do with the fact that you realize there was no intimacy in your relationship at that time or was there something else big that happened in your life to cause the breakdown (or maybe everything put together?).

I agree, there can be no relationship without intimacy....that doesn't HAVE to be sex....but without any touching or closeness......which is what is part of the growth of a relationship.....it won't ever exist & the feeling of love will always be one sided.....& in reality one sided love isn't love....it's wishful thinking.

I lived 13 years under the same roof with my H until I could finally get out & I lived in the other side of the house even though we did talk at times....but fights were still more than I wanted to deal with & my anger grew to the point all I could see was red (that saying is a true fact). There is no point (except for being financially trapped) in a place where you should stay when you know it's not a working relationship.....it only makes everyone miserable & resentful on a continual down slope slide.

Can you find someone else to stay with until your SSDI gets approved? That would be your best solution (one reason not to jump into living together without knowing each other really well in the first place)....when one does things out of necessity rather than wisdom.....it usually turns out BAD.

[gloamingone]

Unfortunately, there's nowhere else to go. I had such high hopes for this relationship. He promised to get better about intimacy, over and over, but it just didn't happen. We don't fight about it per se (we've never really had a fight, just calm discussions).

My breakdown was work-related, nothing to do with this situation.

I don't particularly resent him, I just accept him for who he is (but at the same time wish he would at least CUDDLE with me occasionally!). We get along better than I could imagine in my wildest dreams. It's just the lack of intimacy that bothers me. I have a tendency to beat myself up over things, so this has made it particularly difficult. I always assume it's me, when I know it's not me. :-(

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[punkybrewster6k]

If you really love him amd want to keep this relationship , offer counseling for him or the both of you? He may have some depression or baggage weighing him down. If he refuses this like he does the testosterone therapy, then maybe, just maybe, its time to move on.
A relationship should be compatable. He needs to work on himself too.

Sent from my SCH-S720C using Tapatalk 2