I'm not trying for my worth

I'm constantly confused, I loved this girl. I've been friends with her for many months now I'm trying to get things to grow, but she ignores me over something that wasn't my fault. I have medical problems I suffer deep psychosis problems as well from social isolation. I moved away from all my friends, I went psychotic rant scared that she leave me and hits me because she loves me. I was sexually abused as a boy many many times by men I had girls leave me because of very superficial and cruel reasons. I am now in a dilemma comparing myself to every other guy am I perfect enough. They don't want me, they just either want my body in the moment then leave me and enjoy abusing me. I've been in this constant cycle of abusive relationships and scary codependent relationships. I am aware of that now, and that my whole life was centered on abuse I can't escape. I literally get anxiety and terrified if I fall in love or grow any feelings. I will run I'm not just a commitment phobe. I will not out of practicality of myself and the relationship to make it go further I will not let people love me emotionally or sexually in this regard. It's happened so much by people I love, I was abandoned a lot my coping mechanism when I grow to close to that person when I think so. I don't talk to them or bother anything with them, because I don't want to look too interested. Why does it have to be this complicated, I don't think stupid rules should matter societal norms should matter to make something work. Why do I have to do it like everyone else to get their results. I can't do it, so does that mean I have no hope. I meet all kinds of girls I get emotionally close to some and sexually to others, but no matter what I will never let them in any closer. I was raped and the fact I'm not allowed to feel that I can't let people and have the other person respect it because I have be a tough guy is ****ing ********. I don't deserve abuse like that, I treat myself like crap because I want to love and respect someone and myself without fear of being cheated, beaten, and being accused of wrongful things I don't do because they want to get their way being a woman and victimizing themselves. I don't care what kind of girl I've dated. I don't like having feelings, I just want a surgical removal of this all together I don't want to feel love. I hate having to force myself to stop or else suffer abuse if I submit. Don't you see that being a guy is much harder in my case than being a woman. I'm not sensitive. I can be like everyother guy out there, but choose not to be a dumbass and try to be someone's ***** and assume I'm a guy I'm not supposed to know that other species and have to be a slave of labor. I don't find it fair that this is normal or sane at all. There is no sexism to women much anymore other than big corps and weird scenarios women got the world by the balls now. I'm not mad that women are taking over, I am mad that abuse is normal for women towards men and people think of me weak going through it and saying to my face **** you. I will fight and fight all my way to be safe, but it hasn't happened before now or in the future. I tried everything to be accepting of myself positive minding my own and just being attractive yeah it works, but I get all these horrible people coming in my life. I hate people I just hate them I don't want to be here. I don't think this post will make any sense and people think I hate women or a sexist pig but you don't know that. I care bout women I have alot of women who raised me and took care of me I respect them and do everything all I can for the true ladies I'm close to as friends, but the ones I'm friends with aren't interested in me because of probably many things and I don't care to begin with I'm happy with those relationships. I can't meet a lady anywhere without fear of being treated like **** and expected to clean up their messes. I'm done.

Whew. On the positive side, it appears you have insight into what's going on and you're correct that you didn't deserve what happened. That's a start. Next is to start working on not beating yourself up, wanting to care again, etc. I don't remember if you've been seeing a therapist, but you've definitely got enough ammunition to work on.

Yeah, I'm not going to talk to her ever again only time will tell. If she wants to put effort she will, I don't like this half *** pretend ****. I came for her nothing else, I wanted the person I'm not drooling over her looks and I really like her, but you know who cares. I'm not important enough to make time for her "busy" schedule. I didn't wanted to date her I just wanted to be friends. Is making new friends in general have to be this hard?

At times it can be hard to make new friends and just as frustrating. But don't say you're not important enough for her busy schedule. She just doesn't get what she's missing out on. You're plenty important and she'll never know it.

I feel for you. I cant let anyone in for reasons not too dissimilar from your own. I want to be close to someone I like for a change instead of having to settle for who liked me (regardless of what I felt) so consequently I ended up in abusive relationships all my life. I seem to push away anyone who could possibly care for me. how I do it, and why i do it I have no idea, it just happens and leaves me with the same problem IE being liked for their own selfish reasons and tolerating the abuse while they suck me dry till I have nothing left to give, then get discarded without a thought. this has caused me to isolate more and more till I am a virtual shut in with almost no human contact at all.

like my therapist said, the people I want are very very rare. The people I find myself attracted to are potential people I'd date, but not now. I want to stay away to see how long I can not date. I am not going to settle. I had my close calls and I had to turn it down a lot. My friend screwed me over with a lack of context when having almost sex with me with her intentions. I didn't know if she was still my friend or what. Like my therapist said, "No matter how hard I work at being a good friend. People just like to screw me over and I'm not handling it well, because it's happening a lot and so frequently. " I do have body dysmorhphic stuff going on as well with some ocd rituals on my appearance they go hand in hand with this.