Issues involving too much attention.

So... this is awkward for me to post, so bare with me.

I have a lot of issues that come into play while in a relationship. The biggest of which is that I freak out when it comes to oral sex or hand jobs - as in, I've always panicked and refused to give a blow up, won't let any of my partners go near me, and have now successfully given a hand job to my current bf twice... but each time I had to struggle not to cry or panic.

What the hell is wrong with me???

I panic. It's too much attention on what I'm doing, or on my body. I also can't orgasm during sex.

I really want to be able to do those things, because I don't think there's anything wrong with them... but when it comes down to it, I panic and want to cry and feel totally ashamed... and then embarrassed, and more shame, and guilt.

Not really sure what the point of this is.... I just think I needed to verbalize it. I want to verbalize it to my boyfriend, as I'm pretty sure he'd be really understanding (I think I mentioned a bit of it once, the first time)... but I also panic at the thought of it and have tried to, but panic and don't say a thing.

Since you think your bf would understand the problem, I think it would be good if you could have a discussion about it. After all, not understanding your problem he may feel he is doing something wrong. It may take time but you can work with your bf to get more comfortable with each other. Don't do anything that leaves you feel shame and guilt. Commincation is the key.

Im not crazy about hand jobs or blow jobs either.

However when I give him a blow job and I see pleasure in his face, hear his sighs, feel his body respond, and feel his hands in my hair its all worth it. I love giving him pleasure.

Hand jobs are the same way. But I use lube and it makes it go faster. (yep I admit it) Try that, its easier too.

As far as an orgasm goes, its ok just to enjoy sex without one. I never had a big one until I was married for 19 years. Dont put so much pressure on it. Relax and just enjoy. Try different positions and hopeful that will help.