Is an affair the way to go?

Thank you. I am prepared to take all advice on board even if some of the replies appear a little more sharp tongued than I would have liked. It's not that I want an affair. Is that I am more venting my frustrations because I feel I can't make my own marriage work. So I wanted to know if there was other options. Maybe I need to sit her down also and find out if she herself is happy and if there is anything I can do for her as well as me. I don't know. All I know is that I personally feel rejected and unloved and unwanted by her in more ways than one

You need to find other ways to feel loved and wanted by her. That's what I did with my husband, because I love him very much and chose not to leave him despite the lack of frequent sex. I feel loved by him when we hold hands, when we have long conversations about nothing and everything, and when we hug and even go grocery shopping and work together as a team. I feel wanted when he says nice things to me, and when he wants to cuddle with me. There are other ways to get what you are seeking than sex. That's why a marriage can work in those other ways. But if that's not enough for you, you really need to consider what you would benefit from by having meaningless sex with another woman. I mean if it didn't work the first time, why consider it again? Let out your frustrations all you need to, that is what PC is for. Glad you have found this place to vent, and I see you have just joined. Know also, that people are going to have very different views, and not take things so lightly all the time. It is the attitude of people thinking their spouse owes them sex that makes for sexual abuse in marriages. I don't tolerate it at all. It's call coercion, which is basically manipulating someone or guilt tripping someone into having sex, which can be almost as damaging as real sexual assault. It was for me. So, just know other people have their opinions and emotions about certain issues. I was being blunt to make a point, not to abuse you like you have accused me of. You seem to need a wake up call. Something needs to change in your marriage, and I suggest you have counseling soon.

I completely and totally agree with you, and also...as a side note...found your advice to the OP as kind, considering and utterly lacking in retort.

I can't add another thing, as you've said it perfectly. Thank you.

I'm glad you've found the place that brings you happiness with your husband. However, I think your comments WERE more sharp than required, and rather bitter tasting. I don't think the OP needed a 'wake up call'. He seems to be woken up to his dilemma quite unhappily, and I for one, understand why.

The subject he requested help on is a touchy one, and yes, people will disagree and base their opinions on personal experience, past and present. However, that does NOT give them the right to make another person feel small or ashamed in their feelings.

Feelings are neither right nor wrong...they are feelings and as human beings we have them, and deserve to have our feelings validated...not dismissed based on someone else's assumptions.

I truly believe you wanted to help. However, I also believe your methods were far more harsh than necessary...any response that causes another person to attempt to defend themselves..........IS NOT HELPFUL. Period.

Which is why although I may have got my back up a little and felt I need to defend myself, I still take on board all advice. I would never force my wife to do anything. Neither physically or mentally. The same cannot be said for her unfortunately as she used psychological manipulation to get me to go back to her the first time. Especially using the threat of me not seeing my child ever again. Also using sex inorder toget me back. Which in turn is probably why i am here asking these questions. But that is a different story. And I have to forgive her for that and understand why she did it.

I'm going to ignore others, just to continue talking about the subject with you. You say it's probably why you're here asking these questions, that it is a different story that she has used sex as a a way to get back at you. That's probably the story that needs to be told in order to understand the whole situation. I do not mean to say you would ever force your wife to do anything, but that is sometimes what happens in these situations. I'm thankful you have not. This is again, more than just sex, and you need to probably talk with a counselor about all this, because we are not getting the full picture here and are thus unable to really get a scope of the real problem that lies beneath. Have you ever asked her why she doesn't want sex? I mean, has she ever REALLY told you the truth as to why? That might be worth investigating during marriage counseling as well. Sometimes when we resent someone else, we withhold pleasurable things. This could be happening. I probably understand more than any one else here, your situation given both of us are in the same kind of marriage where the other person doesn't want sex as much. I am just trying to say that it can still work out. That is an option. You were seeking options, and I gave you one. Again though, that "different story" is probably the most important one at this point.

I respectfully, but highly disagree!

It is unfair for anyone to expect a spouse to go without sex, affection indefinitely. What if this were reversed? What if the husband was bossy, controlling and withheld??

Well then we quickly jump to labelling it abuse.
That's what if.

To the OP, I feel for you, I do. My main love language is touch, and if I forced myself to live with this type of deliberate lack of intimacy, I would surely shrivel up and die.

I would sooner be alone than live with someone who deliberately witholds affection from me.

To me its also very important to feel wanted, and not just sexually either, although that definitly factors in. So its quite easy for me to gather how much strain this is causing you emotionally and mentally.

If your wife won't go to couples counselling, then I agree that you seek individual therapy and try to process this (as well as have somewhere private to vent) in order to make a more rational, logical decision regarding your marriage as its obvious that neither cheating nor an open marriage are viable options.

Talking about these things are hard, so I commend you for having the courage to speak up. I suggest that if you do make an appointment, that you print out your first post and give it to the T, because your dilemma is clearly and concisely recorded.

Thank you all and if I do go to counselling (which I know needs to be done for definite) I will let this thread know. As I said earlier, although I may not necessarily agree with kriskira, I still take the advice on board as it is the flip side of the coin. The side of my wife and how she will feel about it all. So it is still relavent for me to gather this information and try to utilise it to either save my marriage or close another chapter. Thank you all

You want sex, but how are you going about this? Instead of focusing on sex, why not focus more on intimacy for now. Offer your wife a massage and do little things like this. Maybe try holding hands and try meditating together. Why not have a shower together and the rule is you both must wash eachother, but can't wash yourself. These things will bring you closer and then she may be more willing to eventually engage in sex. But you shouldn't do these things looking for sex.

The problem is, too many men have been conditioned to believe that the ultimate goal is penis in vagina. There's so many things you can do with a woman without either of you even getting naked. Use your imagination. Sometimes even words can send some woman wild. Stop just focusing on the physical it will never satisfy you.

I do know how you feel. Feeling sexually rejected repeatedly can make you question your own sensuality and desirability which feels like a sort of death. Having an affair does sound like a good temporary solution but it's like putting a band-aid on a deep gash.

I don't have any "good advice" only empathy.

His sexual needs aren't being met. I'm not sure of all the details of his case and it wouldn't matter anyway since I'm not here to judge only to vent and support. Needs are needs and I'm sorry to say but after a while self release gets tiresome.

I'm sorry that your wife is withholding so much affection from you - physically and emotionally. That's wrong of her. At the same time... would you really enjoy the sex knowing that she has zero desire to take part? How did you end up married if you are so incompatable with each other with intimacy??

Cheating is wrong though. But if you tell her that you are upset that none of your needs are being met (and they're perfectly reasonable needs!) and that you are starting to question the relationship, and that something needs to change..... you can bring up having an open marriage as an option. If she doesn't like the idea of that at all, then ask her how you can both find a happy medium. It really isn't fair of her to ignore your needs so severely. Like... an open marriage doesn't mean that you'd have another relationship with someone... it could easily just be random hook ups. I'd point out to her that you seem to be considering that as a way to actually save your marriage.

Most times I think I should just "man up" and appreciate what I already have around me. 2 beautiful children a job, a roof over my head and food in my stomach. But my own selfish needs seem to plague my own mind all too often. I wish I could switch it off.

Sexual needs are very important - you're entitled to yours and she's entitled to hers. And that's that.

The problem is that while she may not need much intimacy, you clearly do. Do you feel this is something that could lead to you falling out of love with your wife? I'm not referring to how you might act upon that but whether you think this will bode well for your future situation together regardless of whatever compromise you come too?

What constitutes a marriage is a very personal thing - but one thing for sure is that is usually entails some long held commitment. If you don't think you can suitably commit to each other then love or no love, marriage or no marriage, you might just need to let each other go.

I hope you both achieve some peace with the situation.

It sounds like there is more than just sex being withheld here. Perhaps counseling can help you figure out why, and what (if anything) to do about it.

I definitely empathize with your situation, just remember that an affair doesn't just hurt her, it will hurt your kids more.

Bill's suggestion is a good one.

thank you so much for this, i would never stay in a relationship having sex once a month..no it's not everything but it is very high up there in importance.

like you said it's about intimacy and closeness and getting needs met.
i can tell you as a man..i'm not gonna be twisting and turning all night horny as heck and not get something done about it.

totally unacceptable..as you said, if i had to do without that i may as well be alone i agree wholeheartedly

it's not selfish, it's a normal part of being who you are, sex and sexuality is a beautiful thing..especially when you can share it with the person you love..it deepens the bond and connection you have & it also just happens to feel great.

you shouldn't have to "switch it off' that would be like saying..i wish i could not need food, it's part of being a normal human being & getting your needs met.

i admire you, you are a better man than me, NO WAY would i put up with a lack of sex, i'm NOT doing it.

if she can't get the job done..there are others who will..it is obvious this is a HUGE problem and it will only get worse.

i have had ex's that we did "the deed" 3 times a day..first thing in the morning, some point during the day and before we went to bed..i slept great every night!

now no one is saying you have to have it that often..but once a month is uncalled for..do you eat once a month..NO do you shower once a month NO..at least i hope not! do you go to work once a month..probably not.

something is up, idk your wife, but it could be that she is cheating idk..once a month isn't right something is wrong here

I have to agree with this. I'm not sure if you've mentioned if you have a family beyond your wife who would be affected by this decision, but if you do, tread lightly.

I of course cannot speak for your own situation, but this is all just from my point of view. I'm 21, I still live with my parents during vacations and on-and-off during school seasons. I don't ask private questions, but it's not hard at all to see that my mother has little to no interest in sexual activity and that this is frustrating to my father, who has always been a bit...lascivious. If my father ever, EVER, had an extra-marital affair he would be dead to me. I would absolutely disown him as a father for being so selfish, my affection for him would be utterly erased. I cannot overstate how furious and un-loving I would be towards him because of how much he focused on one aspect of himself, instead of all aspects of our family.
Thankfully, the chances of that happening are next to none, so no worries there. All I'm saying is, take into account how this will affect others.