Is an affair the way to go?

I'm going to ignore others, just to continue talking about the subject with you. You say it's probably why you're here asking these questions, that it is a different story that she has used sex as a a way to get back at you. That's probably the story that needs to be told in order to understand the whole situation. I do not mean to say you would ever force your wife to do anything, but that is sometimes what happens in these situations. I'm thankful you have not. This is again, more than just sex, and you need to probably talk with a counselor about all this, because we are not getting the full picture here and are thus unable to really get a scope of the real problem that lies beneath. Have you ever asked her why she doesn't want sex? I mean, has she ever REALLY told you the truth as to why? That might be worth investigating during marriage counseling as well. Sometimes when we resent someone else, we withhold pleasurable things. This could be happening. I probably understand more than any one else here, your situation given both of us are in the same kind of marriage where the other person doesn't want sex as much. I am just trying to say that it can still work out. That is an option. You were seeking options, and I gave you one. Again though, that "different story" is probably the most important one at this point.

I respectfully, but highly disagree!

It is unfair for anyone to expect a spouse to go without sex, affection indefinitely. What if this were reversed? What if the husband was bossy, controlling and withheld??

Well then we quickly jump to labelling it abuse.
That's what if.

To the OP, I feel for you, I do. My main love language is touch, and if I forced myself to live with this type of deliberate lack of intimacy, I would surely shrivel up and die.

I would sooner be alone than live with someone who deliberately witholds affection from me.

To me its also very important to feel wanted, and not just sexually either, although that definitly factors in. So its quite easy for me to gather how much strain this is causing you emotionally and mentally.

If your wife won't go to couples counselling, then I agree that you seek individual therapy and try to process this (as well as have somewhere private to vent) in order to make a more rational, logical decision regarding your marriage as its obvious that neither cheating nor an open marriage are viable options.

Talking about these things are hard, so I commend you for having the courage to speak up. I suggest that if you do make an appointment, that you print out your first post and give it to the T, because your dilemma is clearly and concisely recorded.

Thank you all and if I do go to counselling (which I know needs to be done for definite) I will let this thread know. As I said earlier, although I may not necessarily agree with kriskira, I still take the advice on board as it is the flip side of the coin. The side of my wife and how she will feel about it all. So it is still relavent for me to gather this information and try to utilise it to either save my marriage or close another chapter. Thank you all

You want sex, but how are you going about this? Instead of focusing on sex, why not focus more on intimacy for now. Offer your wife a massage and do little things like this. Maybe try holding hands and try meditating together. Why not have a shower together and the rule is you both must wash eachother, but can't wash yourself. These things will bring you closer and then she may be more willing to eventually engage in sex. But you shouldn't do these things looking for sex.

The problem is, too many men have been conditioned to believe that the ultimate goal is penis in vagina. There's so many things you can do with a woman without either of you even getting naked. Use your imagination. Sometimes even words can send some woman wild. Stop just focusing on the physical it will never satisfy you.

I do know how you feel. Feeling sexually rejected repeatedly can make you question your own sensuality and desirability which feels like a sort of death. Having an affair does sound like a good temporary solution but it's like putting a band-aid on a deep gash.

I don't have any "good advice" only empathy.

His sexual needs aren't being met. I'm not sure of all the details of his case and it wouldn't matter anyway since I'm not here to judge only to vent and support. Needs are needs and I'm sorry to say but after a while self release gets tiresome.

I'm sorry that your wife is withholding so much affection from you - physically and emotionally. That's wrong of her. At the same time... would you really enjoy the sex knowing that she has zero desire to take part? How did you end up married if you are so incompatable with each other with intimacy??

Cheating is wrong though. But if you tell her that you are upset that none of your needs are being met (and they're perfectly reasonable needs!) and that you are starting to question the relationship, and that something needs to change..... you can bring up having an open marriage as an option. If she doesn't like the idea of that at all, then ask her how you can both find a happy medium. It really isn't fair of her to ignore your needs so severely. Like... an open marriage doesn't mean that you'd have another relationship with someone... it could easily just be random hook ups. I'd point out to her that you seem to be considering that as a way to actually save your marriage.

Most times I think I should just "man up" and appreciate what I already have around me. 2 beautiful children a job, a roof over my head and food in my stomach. But my own selfish needs seem to plague my own mind all too often. I wish I could switch it off.

Sexual needs are very important - you're entitled to yours and she's entitled to hers. And that's that.

The problem is that while she may not need much intimacy, you clearly do. Do you feel this is something that could lead to you falling out of love with your wife? I'm not referring to how you might act upon that but whether you think this will bode well for your future situation together regardless of whatever compromise you come too?

What constitutes a marriage is a very personal thing - but one thing for sure is that is usually entails some long held commitment. If you don't think you can suitably commit to each other then love or no love, marriage or no marriage, you might just need to let each other go.

I hope you both achieve some peace with the situation.

It sounds like there is more than just sex being withheld here. Perhaps counseling can help you figure out why, and what (if anything) to do about it.

I definitely empathize with your situation, just remember that an affair doesn't just hurt her, it will hurt your kids more.

Bill's suggestion is a good one.

thank you so much for this, i would never stay in a relationship having sex once a month..no it's not everything but it is very high up there in importance.

like you said it's about intimacy and closeness and getting needs met.
i can tell you as a man..i'm not gonna be twisting and turning all night horny as heck and not get something done about it.

totally unacceptable..as you said, if i had to do without that i may as well be alone i agree wholeheartedly

it's not selfish, it's a normal part of being who you are, sex and sexuality is a beautiful thing..especially when you can share it with the person you love..it deepens the bond and connection you have & it also just happens to feel great.

you shouldn't have to "switch it off' that would be like saying..i wish i could not need food, it's part of being a normal human being & getting your needs met.

i admire you, you are a better man than me, NO WAY would i put up with a lack of sex, i'm NOT doing it.

if she can't get the job done..there are others who will..it is obvious this is a HUGE problem and it will only get worse.

i have had ex's that we did "the deed" 3 times a day..first thing in the morning, some point during the day and before we went to bed..i slept great every night!

now no one is saying you have to have it that often..but once a month is uncalled for..do you eat once a month..NO do you shower once a month NO..at least i hope not! do you go to work once a month..probably not.

something is up, idk your wife, but it could be that she is cheating idk..once a month isn't right something is wrong here

I have to agree with this. I'm not sure if you've mentioned if you have a family beyond your wife who would be affected by this decision, but if you do, tread lightly.

I of course cannot speak for your own situation, but this is all just from my point of view. I'm 21, I still live with my parents during vacations and on-and-off during school seasons. I don't ask private questions, but it's not hard at all to see that my mother has little to no interest in sexual activity and that this is frustrating to my father, who has always been a bit...lascivious. If my father ever, EVER, had an extra-marital affair he would be dead to me. I would absolutely disown him as a father for being so selfish, my affection for him would be utterly erased. I cannot overstate how furious and un-loving I would be towards him because of how much he focused on one aspect of himself, instead of all aspects of our family.
Thankfully, the chances of that happening are next to none, so no worries there. All I'm saying is, take into account how this will affect others.

It is natural for you to want to connect with the women you're with. Based on what I'm reading about you so far, it's not that that's selfish, it's your way of going about it. Is your aim to want to have sex with your wife or is it to connect with her?

There's plenty of married couple having sex daily yet they couldn't care less about one another, they're just focused on their orgasm because orgasms can be addictive. It's linked to dopamine and an orgasm can almost give you a high comparable to heroin.

You could ejaculate just once a month with your wife ( stay away from masturbation or porn) but in between that you have a sexual tension build up. You start of the first week just by holding hands and offering your wife a massage, these little things gradually build up and then you'll get the sex. But it's not about aiming just for sex here right? It's quality over quantity. Too many men want to simply get there penis inside a woman for a few minutes every day and it cheapens the act and makes it boring, rather then lasting it out, being patient, and being in control of their sexual energy.

I don't know about your wife but is it possible that she feels just as bad about the situation but can't figure out how to change it??

Hubby and I have been dealing with this situation for a few years now. We have been married for almost 20 years but only in the last 3-4 years it has been an issue. He is a amazing and we discuss this on occasion. I fear that he will one day have an affair because of my lack of sexual desire. He always reassures me that he loves me for way more than sex and it will never happen. I was sexually abused by 2 different very important men during my childhood, teen years, and it didn't stop until I got married to hubby.

Since doing trauma working with my therapist huge issues regarding sex have surfaced. Now pretty much every time I have sex I get flashbacks. I usually end up in tears (most of the time I hid it so he never knows) then you add psych meds which also cause sexual issues and this is a major issue for me.

Is it possible there is stuff going on with your wife??

Okay I haven't been on here for a while because I have been trying to make things work with my wife. I didn't make an appointment for the doctors because I went on a huge downer and chickened out as usual. Things aren't exactly moving fast, but they are moving. I have asked her if she is happy and if I can do anything to make things in our relationship better and she said she is happy but just tired with work etc. That is understandable and I don't want to push her. Things have happened..... not going into gory details but I think there may be hope still. I know I haven't necessarily followed everyone's advice or replied to everyone. But I would like to take this moment to thank you all for your support and advice. It is because of you guys that I am approaching it in the way I am. So thank you.

I don't agree with this. You're right, the WORLD doesn't owe you sex, but the person who MARRIED you should take care of your sexual needs. You cannot expect someone to just accept the fact that you're not in the mood for having sex, when they clearly need it. It is clear that unplugmealready has a normal, healthy need for sex, just like any husband would. He does not sound like a guy that is oversexed, he sounds like a normal guy that is being starved. Why should it be OK that his wife is withholding sex? It's not OK.

Unplugmealready, I think you've got some problems in your marriage and I think you and your wife have actually drifted apart because of some deeper reason, and the no sex problem is just a surface problem, a side-effect if you will. Please try not to have an affair though, and don't threaten your wife with it either. I know you said she seems bossy at times and you suffer in silence, I know she seems strong and stubborn, but it will hurt her very much. It's the non-verbal messages that hurt the most in life, and an affair is nothing more than a non-verbal way of telling your spouse that they don't do it for you anymore, without any explanation. You're going to have to sit down with her some time and talk with her, and tell her you think something is not right, it's the only way. You've got to dig a little. Even if she clams up, you just back off and you're back on her the next day. And, tell her, you're not going to give up that easily, you WANT to know what is going on, because you value your marriage to her and you love her. She cannot just do things (or refuse to do things in this case) and then clam up and refuse to offer an explanation. I know it's hard to push a loved one for answers but you may find that there is something really bad going on that you never even knew about. It might not even be about you, it could be something else entirely that has taken such a toll on her emotionally that she doesn't even want sex. It sounds like she maybe has depression. But, don't be shocked. It can happen to the happiest of people in the world. It's not something that affects only certain people. And, it strikes you in life when you least expect it, and most of the time you can't tell that depression is your loved one's issue all along. Sufferers don't appear sad at all, they appear very normal! But, you can tell though, in a very subtle way - it is like the person is not the same person you knew a few months/years ago. They've slowly changed somehow, but you can't tell how. They don't seem sad, the don't seem to fail at things, but somehow there's a different "vibe" to your relationship now. That's normally something that gives it away. So, I think the first thing you should do is check if she's doing normal things differently than the way you normally expect her to do something. A change in sleeping and eating patterns are normally a sign. But, you're going to have to discuss this with her.

If she really doesn't want to open up, then ask her directly if she still even wants to be married to you. Explain it to her that you have needs in the marriage and they are not being met and you want to know why, you have a right to know why because you guys are bounded by marriage. Marriage is not a joke, it's a serious commitment and should be respected and treated as such. If it's not working, you owe it to each other to find a solution, otherwise there's no point being married then and you might as well get a divorce.

Unplugme, you're on the right track, ok if you chickened out a little, but keep working on it, and find a way to talk openly about sex and sexual needs. Good healthy communication is very important to the future of your marriage IMHO. I seriously doubt you would be posting here if you just needed to get some ***** as someone inferred earlier. I don't think people stepping out is ever that simple. Sex is a very complicated thing, physically and emotionally, and unless someone is in your mind, they don't know what's really going on.

People with different sex drives find ways around it, if they're both open minded and want to help each other be satisfied. Even without a third person involved.

Best of luck.

Haven't had sex.in going on a year.. do I care.to live? Not much... been married 7 years.... I resent my wife in alot of these areas not just sex. . She's got 2 trillion excuses too

I'm 32.shes 29

Unplug,
I am very happy to hear that you are working on it and I'm glad you took the advice offered.

Go you!

W

Hi unplugme

I was a Mistress for 3 years, his wife wasn't interested in sexual intimacy. We worked together and it was apparent from day one we had sexual chemistry and we gave into it. Other than friendship we didn't have feelings for each other to start with and I would actually give him grief for not supporting her at times of stress.

But it did get complicated with emotions, he began telling me that he was married to the wrong woman I had no intention of being a home wrecker but it was heading that way so I stepped away so he could clearly think. We didn't restart our relationship despite his coming clean to his wife. They separated and it turned out she had been having an affair for almost as long as ours had been.

The point of my honesty is that their marriage was in trouble b4 me but my involvement prolonged the unhappy marriage. I would seek advice and therapy b4 going elsewhere for intimacy, it may prolong a situation that is unhealthy for all parties.

Good luck

PS. . . .

To anyone who feels the need to judge or berate me for my previous life choices I will kindly point out that people in glass houses should not throw stones.

Hi BDPpartner

Firstly I doubt anyone would/should judge you. Its equally as hard for the other parties involved. I thank you for your honesty. And in my previous affair, i hurt the Mistress too. She for a while became my partner but in the end it was such a mess and I ruined it for everyone. I honestly regret what i did and neither my wife nor my mistress at the time deserved any of it. The truth is I had completely lost the person I was. I was an empty shell of a man. I didn't live. I just operated from day to day. It had to be one of the worst episodes of depression i have ever endured. Apart from that the worst is that, yes I love my wife and children. I want my marriage to work. But I still have a place in my heart for the other person too. And I push past that as much as I can, but I do also feel I have spoiled everything and there is no easy fix. I have made my bed, i have to lay in it. But it takes 2 to tango and I wouldnt have ruined things had my marriage been different. That being said, i blame myself more for not being a man about it and making my marriage work. I not only ruined my life, but my wifes, my mistress and most importantly my children's. I am ashamed of myself for being so weak. But I am too weak to pull myself out a lot of the time.